EWH3 Trash #1050: THE VALENTINE’S DAY TRAIL! – 6:45 PM THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 15TH – BETHESDA – RED LINE


When:
6:45 PM Thursday February 15th, 2018. Pack away at 7:15!
Where: Bethesda Metro Station
Hares: All Flash No Drive!, Wait Wait Don’t Fuck Me!, Mambo Number Hives!, Geriatric Mandering!

Virgins: No one made it through Valentine’s Day with their virginity intact

Visitors: I Prefer BJs

What better way to spend the ides(-ish) of February than with a pack of drunks wearing pink? It was tres romantique! To me, poetry is one of the most heartfelt ways to show someone you care, so I decided to spread the love by sharing some of the works I penned under my nom de plume, William Shakes-beer.

Unfortunately, fate had another idea and we found ourselves at Caddies on Cordell. Ok, so maybe things weren’t happening exactly as planned, but we persevered. I present to you, an anthology of poetry, simply titled Trail Ten-Fiddy.

Anal Fission – a haiku
You passed out dick picks
But… it fits in my pocket
Soooo dissapointing

General Tso’s Dicken
Once upon a beer check
There was a Port-o-John
But the General didn’t notice
She was too far gone

No matter how L’Chymen cried
She didn’t hear her plea
She ran across the playground
And pissed, behind a tree

Just Katie
Roses are red
Violets are blue
PITA brought her own damn mug
You should have, too!

Chaffed and Confused – a cinquain
Sea Sponges
Confusing, Wet
Sitting, Not Sinking, Floating
Who put them there?
Sea Sponges

TWINS! – an acrostic
(In honor of Bipolar Bear, You Can’t Handle the Poop, Schrödinger’s Cock, and Just Bro-I mean, Cody)

wo people that look alike


ho would have guessed?


t’s like we did laundry, but..


  ext time, don’t use bleach and


ometimes, hot water isn’t a good idea

Deetz Nuts – a limerick
There once was a torch from the hash
Which Deetz thought he’d use to bash
Some tough thug of a man
Who had a different plan
And now Deetz has a really weird rash..

We were already at the bar, scaring patrons and making bad choices, so we stayed there for a while longer.

On – Be Mine – On
Poon-apple Juice

EWH3 Hash Trash #1049 – The Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious Trail! – February 8th – Foggy Bottom

Showtime: 6:45 PM Thursday February 8th, 2018

Theater: Foggy Bottom Metro Station

Crew (Hares): Head Injury, Deetz Nuts, General Tso’s Dickin’, Special Head Kid, Just Odin, and Just Eric

Introducing, the Virgins: Just Tristan, Just Katie, Just Nathan

With Special Appearance By (Our Transplant): Just Alan 

Another trail, another movie I haven’t seen. I’m sure I can make this work, though.

Synopsis:

Mary Poppins (1964)  follows a young woman, who is most definitely a witch of some sort, as she forays into the wild world of an au pair. Her two mischievous (and possibly diabetic?) charges feel they have a strained relationship with their father.

Desperate for a strong male influence, they turn to Bert, a Cockney chimney sweep (played by Dick Van Dyke, of course), to fill that role.
After a rousing musical number involving dancing penguins goes awry, Mary is forced into exile, leaving only the children’s parents to care for them.



Yeah, that can’t be right.

Let’s revisit our friends at IMdB, to find out:
What exactly
is so poppin’ about Mary?

“Its old-fashioned charm is timeless.”Atreyu_II

“Great dancing sequences, and especially those gorgeous songs (each one of them great).”gue_gg_ila

I don’t seem to recall much dancing on trail, although I had better things to focus on.  

“What won me over was the ending.”Spleen

“Anarchy in a sensible package.” – Quentintarantado

Ok, once again: Spot. On.

Scenes:

The Hares were violated for failing to mark their false trails. This isn’t the first time they’ve ended all this foreplay with such a let down.

Speaking of letting people down, A Midsemester Night’s Cream didn’t service her virgin tonight. Despite my offer to compensate anyone who could right her wrong, it appears that no one was able to deliver.

Otto Von Jizzmark was spotted at beer check wearing a space blanket, similar to this:

It was also brought to my attention that he will be missing this year’s WIE festivities to participate in a marathon. Does that make him a Space Race-ist?

(I shouldn’t admit this, but I will. I actually didn’t even get that joke at first…)


Texas Hold Him and Wait, Wait, Don’t Fuck Me were violated for sharing their encyclopedic knowledge of STD’s. It’s not surprising. After all, experience
is the best teacher.

End Credits:
Are you interested in haring a trail,but lacking inspiration? Here are ten more movies that I haven’t seen:

Die Hard
Thor (I’m really looking forward to a Real Housewives of Asgard trail, tbh)
Caddyshack
Forrest Gump
Gone With the Wind
Alien
(April 26th is ‘Alien Day’ and coincidentally, an open date)
Jaws
Risky Business
Fifty Shades of Grey
The Terminator

After the credits, there’s always a bonus scene. This week was no different.

The Naming of Just Nobanza

One fateful November day in 2011 (the 16th to be precise), Just Nobanza arrived in the States, all the way from Cameroon. Fast forward to 2014 and he found himself wishing he were as happy as the people at the Rhode Island Metro Station. That quest led him to hashing. He’s quite fond of guavas, and pooping in metro stations. Despite having no idea what a boner is, he sure has gotten a lot of them. Once while eating spicy fish (and later spicing some fish tacos), and another time while attempting to entice a woman in an avocado tree to take off her panties. He’s generally pretty quiet during sex, but would get vocal for Belle or women named Linda in guava trees. Despite the pack’s fixation on guavas (how many times can I use the word guava before it gets weird? Guava.) and contenders such as Belle of the Ball Sack and Boner? I Hardly Know Her!, it was ultimately Sham Rock Your Cock who re-purposed Just Nobanza’s own quote to name him: What’s a Boner?

And with that, we wrapped up the 1049th hash (not the 1050th, Stain) and floated away to Froggy Bottom.

On – Was the guava better than the sex? – On
Poon-apple Juice

EWH3 Hash Trash #1048: THE WIE-VELATION TRAIL! – FEBRUARY 1ST – SMITHSONIAN

EWH3 Hash Trash #: 1048 The WIE-velation Trail

When: 6:45 PM Thursday, February 1st, 2018

Where: Smithsonian Metro Station

Hares: Whoregon Trail, Texas Hold Him, Rosetta Bone, Sphincter Shy, You Sucked My Battledick, Just Suzanna

Virgins: Just Ruff, Just Sara

Visitors: Night Stalker

On-After: Tortilla Coast

So, yesterday was Groundhog’s Day and I’m a little sad that the hares didn’t take advantage of the opportunity to use that theme for this trail. We could have just gone around the same block 12,395 times, sang some Sonny and Cher, and moved on to the bar. Really, it would have been easier for everyone.

But wait (wait)…
If you just rolled your eyes at my misguided attempt at continuing this joke, Ctrl+F “lame”
If you’re willing to play along for a bit, Ctrl+F ”leggo”


lame 

Violations:
The runners found themselves bounding over vegetables on the street. Looks like the Hares had their salad tossed!

Story Time!
One of our Virgins, Just Ruff, was browsing MeetUp looking for a r*nning group. She showed up to Smithsonian and there we were. BUT it has cum to our attention that she did not intend to lose her virginity (does anyone ever really?). Turns out, she had meant to join up with the Capitol Striders. She was commended not only for making the right choice, but for being the only one in circle who was not ashamed of the mistakes that led to their first time.

We learned that Geriatric Mandering prefers to brew crew in the summer, because it gets her wet. Wait, Wait, Don’t Fuck Me is also easily excited by beer, but only one of his nipples gets hard.

After briefly trying to rationalize the situation, and then realizing I’m insane, you take advantage of the drink options and find that your actions have no long-term consequences (read: hangovers).

If you pour yourself another beer, Ctrl+F “Bud”
If you take a shot instead, Ctrl+F “vodka”


leggo

Violations:
The runners found themselves bounding over vegetables on the street. Looks like the Hares had their salad tossed!

Story Time!
One of our Virgins, Just Ruff, was browsing MeetUp looking for a r*nning group. She showed up to Smithsonian and there we were. BUT it has cum to our attention that she did not intend to lose her virginity (does anyone ever really?). Turns out, she had meant to join up with the Capitol Striders. She was commended not only for making the right choice, but for being the only one in circle who was not ashamed of the mistakes that led to their first time.

We learned that Geriatric Mandering prefers to brew crew in the summer, because it gets her wet. Wait, Wait, Don’t Fuck Me is also easily excited by beer, but only one of his nipples gets hard.

After briefly trying to rationalize the situation, and then realizing I’m insane, you take advantage of the drink options and find that your actions have no long-term consequences

After briefly trying to rationalize the situation, and then realizing I’m insane, you take advantage of the drink options and find that your actions have no long-term consequences (read: hangovers).
If you pour yourself another beer, Ctrl+F “PBR”
If you take a shot instead, Ctrl+F “tequila!”


Violations:

shut up Bud

The runners found themselves bounding over vegetables on the street. Looks like the Hares had their salad tossed!

Story Time!
One of our Virgins, Just Ruff, was browsing MeetUp looking for a r*nning group. She showed up to Smithsonian and there we were. BUT it has cum to our attention that she did not intend to lose her virginity (does anyone ever really?). Turns out, she had meant to join up with the Capitol Striders. She was commended not only for making the right choice, but for being the only one in circle who was not ashamed of the mistakes that led to their first time.

We learned that Geriatric Mandering prefers to brew crew in the summer, because it gets her wet. Wait, Wait, Don’t Fuck Me is also easily excited by beer, but only one of his nipples gets hard.

You revel in this situation for a long time: seducing beautiful women, stealing money, even experiencing a police chase. However, your attempts to seduce one specific person are met with repeated failure. You begin to tire of, then dread, your existence.

Do you:
… Destroy your alarm clock everyday and profess the inanity of the holiday? (Ctrl+F “smash”)
Or< … Kidnap Punxsutawny Phil? (Ctrl+F “taken”)


vodka annoyed


Violations:
The runners found themselves bounding over vegetables on the street. Looks like the Hares had their salad tossed!

Story Time!
One of our Virgins, Just Ruff, was browsing MeetUp looking for a r*nning group. She showed up to Smithsonian and there we were. BUT it has cum to our attention that she did not intend to lose her virginity (does anyone ever really?). Turns out, she had meant to join up with the Capitol Striders. She was commended not only for making the right choice, but for being the only one in circle who was not ashamed of the mistakes that led to their first time.

We learned that Geriatric Mandering prefers to brew crew in the summer, because it gets her wet. Wait, Wait, Don’t Fuck Me is also easily excited by beer, but only one of his nipples gets hard.

You initially try to seduce a virgin by learning as much as you can on a daily basis. You learn what they like (rocky road ice cream, sweet vermouth, French poetry) and what they don’t (white chocolate). You pretend to share those tastes.
If this furthers your relationship, Ctrl+F “bonus”
If you realize you are living a lie , Ctrl+F “lies”


PBR


Violations:
The runners found themselves bounding over vegetables on the street. Looks like the Hares had their salad tossed!

Story Time!
One of our Virgins, Just Ruff, was browsing MeetUp looking for a r*nning group. She showed up to Smithsonian and there we were. BUT it has cum to our attention that she did not intend to lose her virginity (does anyone ever really?). Turns out, she had meant to join up with the Capitol Striders. She was commended not only for making the right choice, but for being the only one in circle who was not ashamed of the mistakes that led to their first time.

We learned that Geriatric Mandering prefers to brew crew in the summer, because it gets her wet. Wait, Wait, Don’t Fuck Me is also easily excited by beer, but only one of his nipples gets hard.

You revel in this situation for a long time: seducing beautiful women, stealing money, even experiencing a police chase. However, your attempts to seduce one specific person are met with repeated failure. You begin to tire of, then dread, your existence. Do you:

… Destroy your alarm clock everyday and profess the inanity of the holiday? (Ctrl+F “annoyed”);”>
Or
… Kidnap Punxsutawny Phil? (Ctrl+F “misdemeanor”)>


tequila!

Violations:
The runners found themselves bounding over vegetables on the street. Looks like the Hares had their salad tossed!

Story Time!
One of our Virgins, Just Ruff, was browsing MeetUp looking for a r*nning group. She showed up to Smithsonian and there we were. BUT it has cum to our attention that she did not intend to lose her virginity (does anyone ever really?). Turns out, she had meant to join up with the Capitol Striders. She was commended not only for making the right choice, but for being the only one in circle who was not ashamed of the mistakes that led to their first time.

We learned that Geriatric Mandering prefers to brew crew in the summer, because it gets her wet. Wait, Wait, Don’t Fuck Me is also easily excited by beer, but only one of his nipples gets hard.

Liquor is probably the best solution, you think to yourself, wondering how long this will go on.
If you take this time to finally get some damn peace and quiet, Ctrl+F “shut up”
If you immediately lose your mind, Ctrl+F “crazy”


smash bonus hopeless


Violations:
The runners found themselves bounding over vegetables on the street. Looks like the Hares had their salad tossed!

Story Time!
One of our Virgins, Just Ruff, was browsing MeetUp looking for a r*nning group. She showed up to Smithsonian and there we were. BUT it has cum to our attention that she did not intend to lose her virginity (does anyone ever really?). Turns out, she had meant to join up with the Capitol Striders. She was commended not only for making the right choice, but for being the only one in circle who was not ashamed of the mistakes that led to their first time.

We learned that Geriatric Mandering prefers to brew crew in the summer, because it gets her wet. Wait, Wait, Don’t Fuck Me is also easily excited by beer, but only one of his nipples gets hard.

Upon waking (again), you decide share your circumstances — how you are reliving the circle over and over again — and manage to convince another of the truth with your extensive knowledge of violations to come.
Opening up to another has broken the cycle, Ctrl+F “sweet freedom”


taken lies misdemeanor crazy


Violations:
The runners found themselves bounding over vegetables on the street. Looks like the Hares had their salad tossed!

Story Time!
One of our Virgins, Just Ruff, was browsing MeetUp looking for a r*nning group. She showed up to Smithsonian and there we were. BUT it has cum to our attention that she did not intend to lose her virginity (does anyone ever really?). Turns out, she had meant to join up with the Capitol Striders. She was commended not only for making the right choice, but for being the only one in circle who was not ashamed of the mistakes that led to their first time.

We learned that Geriatric Mandering prefers to brew crew in the summer, because it gets her wet. Wait, Wait, Don’t Fuck Me is also easily excited by beer, but only one of his nipples gets hard.

You’ve snapped and decided to kidnap the darn groundhog, in hopes of escaping this menial terror. After a police pursuit, you drive a stolen truck into a quarry, causing both hasher and rodent to die in a fiery explosion; but the loop does not stop.
If you continue on devoid of all hope, Ctrl+F “hopeless”
If this event leads you to seek a professional opinion, Ctrl+F “help”


sweet freedom help

When we finally broke out of the seemingly infinite loop of violations, Wait Wait emerged, saw his shadow, and promptly ran off to Tortilla Coast, without a naming in sight.

On – &on&on&on&on& -On

Poon-apple Juice