- EWH3 #663: The Running of the Bulls, Georgia Avenue-Petworth
Hares: Tits for Tots, other hares whom I forgot because this s*it ain’t on the website! (We call that, shifting the blame)
Virgins: Just Jimmy, Melanie, Jason, Dia, Alex, Collins, Yvonne, Andre, Louis, Justin, Susan, Rachael, Mark, Tommy
Visitors: Peppermint Pussy, Boston
OnOnOn: THE Wonderland Ballroom
The pack began to amass outside the GA Ave-Petworth metro, an inconspicuous mob of white people dressed in white with red bandannas. So inconspicuous that we attracted the attention of a local man named Collins, who donned some running clothes, came out, asked what was going on, replied “WHAT?! I’m in!” and hereafter became Just Collins.
The trail itself took us off through the surrounding neighborhoods, getting us lost at THAT circle (per usual), and weaving here and there. This being my first run back with EWH3 since leaving my walking days behind me, I was more concentrating on trying not to vomit (don’t worry- that happens later). We had a nice shot check that brought us into a beer check behind the Safeway. Gotta love GA Ave. From there, I joined the much larger walkers trail (funny how that happens the second half, right?) to bring us into that shady alley/parking lot for the end.
We circled up, sang some songs, and then had some VIOLATIONS:
Just Alex got a UTI from Whiskey Business before the trail even started.
Hungry Hungry Homo sent the trail map out on the CapHill listserv, as if it wasn’t already easy to catch these harriets.
Yule Log once again smelled terrible. This of course brought in Miss Me Gag Me for a commendation, because she has to put that in her mouth.
Dildo Shaggins was heard to say, “I was blowing on it and it came right up in my face.” Really?!
Hungry Hungry Homo wore a Band-Aid on his penis at the camping trip, ensuring that it’d look even worse off than
usual.Just Collins yelled “Oh my God, I can’t feel my testicles!” on trail. Welcome to the hash, buddy.
Can’t Find Pussy in a Haystack was gone in the hospital for 3 days but still showed up at EWH3- dude, we all know that
Jesus can’t go hashing…Benedrill Me ran ahead of everyone despite being the sweeper.
Cock Your Suck I Will brought a bunch of glowsticks to the camping trip that were used as cock necklaces.
[TRUNCATED DUE TO LAZINESS]
Then there was, of course, a naming!
Just Kevin is a big dude from Pasadena, MD who is self-educated and works in IT. His favorite Disney movie is Aladin, his favorite animal is the fox, he loves doggystyle, and the worst thing he’s done is beat someone up. He was 18 when he lost his v-card, shits quickly, and once got a mouth infection from going down south on a lady friend.
Names:
Yeastiologist
Blown Red Handed
Lube my Gangbang
5Guys
Anus Winemouth
MMMM bop
Jiffy Lubed
I Dream of Weenie
Tragic Carpet RideWell, we broke out into song, because henceforth and throughout the world of hashing, blah blah blah, Just Kevin will hereby be known as Tragic Carpet Ride!
We danced our faces off at Wonderland.
-Whiskey Business
EWH3 Scribe - EWH3 #655
EWH3 #655: The Cock Family Reunion Trail- Union Station
Hares: Shamrock Your Cock, Cock-A-Doodle Do Me, Twinkle Twinkle Little Cock, Cock Your Suck I Will, and Cock Soup
Virgins: Just Brian, Alice, TJ, Colleen, Megan, Claire, Shannon, Sarah, Ryan, Jamie, Matthais, Emily, Ari, Allie, Ted
Visitors:
Semi-Cut Doctor, BoiseCan’t Fuck DustJust Jessica, MontereyStreet Meat, MontereyButt Feeler, Belgium (transplant)
OnOnOn: My Brother’s Place
Let’s be honest, this being a week after my collarbone snapped under the weight of my awesomeness (it’s a tough loadto bare), I really don’t know much of what occurred with this trail, though judging by the hares, I’d have to assume thatit sucked, well, you can see where I’m going with this, right? Anyway…
We circled up out front of the taxi stand in Union Station for the regular pageantry, marked by a celebration ofPreparation O landing her dream job. The walkers basically walked towards the meat market off of Florida Avenue,where we eventually met up with the walkers. Note: stinky alley = fun drinking. There were some undercover cops whorolled by, but then realized we were no threat and left. We headed out, the walker’s trail growing noticeably larger(lazy wankers!) on the second half, and headed to the typical alley behind My Brother’s Place for drinking, fun, and ofcourse some…
Violations!
Chippen Failz and was asking Twinkle Twinkle Little Cock for 200 condoms, obviously for straight purposes.
Yes Sir, Yes She’s Fat brought the entire Israeli Guard with him to the hash- all men.
Twinkle Twinkle Little Cock is always interested in cock-associated ventures, only this one actually involved women.
Hungry Hungry Homo thought the only thing he did wrong at a hash party was taking the remote for the lights. Wellyea, that and the puke.
What do Yule Log’s penis and the BC ally have in common? They both make Miss Me Gag Me, well, gag.
Just Sarah brought phone and keys on trail- apparently she had been warned about Chippen Failz.
The Hares found an alley that smelled worse than the pack.
Rear Protein Injection was bleeding and didn’t know why- obviously he forgot about the S&M session from earlier.
Obesetiologist and Titlee Winks are moving to Alabama so they can be smart by association.
Monday Sticky Monday was jealous of the hares, so he brought his own cock shirt.
And then of course, it was time for a naming!
Just Paul is from Upstate NY. He went to American University to study statistics and finance and is now a consultant.
His favorite Disney movie is Babmbi, his favorite porn is Nuts and Butts, and he loves doggystyle. One time, whilecooking dinner for his girlfriend, he decided to spice things up a bit by using habanero peppers. Dinner was obviouslydelicious, because afterward he was getting lucky. Things got hot, literally, since he forgot to wash his hands thoroughlybefore touching her lady parts, transferring all that heat to her nether region. This of course set off a shit storm, and weonly got two names:
Fire CrotchChilean Miner
before we immediately agreed that Just Paul would become Chilean Miner.
This naming went so quick that it was time for another!
Just Cara grew up in Madison, WI. She went to GW and is the roommate of Miss Me Gag Me. She works for USAIDdoing public health, looooves African babies, the Lion King, girl on top sex, and goats. Um. Anyway- one time she hadsex in a golf course, also in an outdoor shower when her dad walked in. Some names included:
Tiger’s WoodHole in OneOverseas STDsButt DiamondFart of Darkness
It was then decided that Just Cara would hereafter be referred to as Fart of Darkness.
We went to the bar and creeped people out by playing flip cups with napkins as bandannas- oh wait, that was just me.
OnOnWhiskey BusinessEWH3 Scribe - EWH3 #654
EWH3 #654: Crystal City
Hares: Red Vag of Courage, Dial F, Roll Over, Bitch, Can’t Find Pussy in a Haystack, and Six Fags
Virgins: Too many to list….and I missed opening circle
Visitors: Bad Whore, Fuckin A+, Motherload
OnOnOn: Freddies – where dreams come true
Hurrah for Tour Du Hash week! Of course there were metro issues on my way to hash so I missed opening circle but I’m going to guess a large pack circled up with a crap ton of virgins, sang a rousing rendition of My Name is Joe, and were off. I caught up to the pack just as they were heading into the suburbs of Crystal City. It was clear that our current and former harerazors wanted to teach the pack a lesson….seriously what did we ever do to you guys except show you love and respect?! We were marched up every single hill to be found in the area. You know its bad when even Cock Soup is about to pass out. Anyway after several miles and a few tears we came to the beer check….wait just kidding! Finally after several more false alarms we found the real check where there were some much needed cool refreshments.
After a few tasty, tasty beers and a bit of recovery time the pack was once again off for what thankfully turned out to be a relatively straight shot to the end. We all milled about and waited for Plan B to arrive and then had some fun with….
Violations:
Just Greg and Sophie were wearing shiny new drinking vassals
Whiskey Business was so worried that he wouldn’t get enough attention on his birthday that he decided to go out and break his collar bone to make sure.
The Hares were more of a tease than The Scarlet Letter
Just Daniela took over the title of dirtiest girl at the hash when she willing rubbed herself in Chip’N Fails’ sweat
Can’t Find Pussy in a Haystack’s mug is apparently the only thing of his getting any lady wet these days
Brokeback Mama was heard saying “A vagina is actually cleaner than a mouth”….when was the last time you saw one to know?
Everyone that was partaking in the wine and cheese party at the on-in….mostly just bc I was jealous I didn’t get any
Whiskey Business was heard saying that “washing with my left hand was weird but jerking off was just fine”
It was so hot that the Hares were actually trying to get iced.
Violations from the Crowd:
Silly Gay Virus for helping zip Whiskey Business’ jorts
PIO was trying to be a raceist by yelling “yellow shirt, yellow shirt” coming into check only to realize half the pack was already there
Osama Been Hashing was heard saying “24 virgins?! I’m a 3rd of the way there!”
Then it was time for a relatively usual event…..a naming!!!
Just Marc is from Richmond and was in the Air Force. He now works with Chip’N Fails as a computer operator for a gov contractor. He likes a lot of different kinds of porn and once had a girl fart in his face when he was going down on her. He is apparently really afraid of women and last year when he was drunk shat his pants. Rumor also has it that he has a larger than average Asian penis.
Names that didn’t suck:
Down with Yo PooPoo
The Scat Man
Tossed Salad
Itty Bitty Bukake Committee
Interracial Butt facial
Henceforth and forevermore throughout the world of hashing…except Great Falls! Just Marc shall be known as Interracial Butt Facial
On-On
6 Pigs in a Blanket
EWH3 Scribe
- EWH3 #652 Cleveland Park Trash
EWH3 #652: Cleveland Park
Hares: Poop-Been-A-Dick, Not to Scale, Compost Pile, Whore A-Gone Trail, Pro Boner, Puke-On Territory, Just Veronika, Just David, Just Marie
Virgins: Henrik, Mike, Kevin, Drew, Pat, Victoria, Andrew
Visitors: Stitch n Pitch (New Mexico), Meat the Press (Montana), Bottoms Up (Mozambique), Just Kelly (Western Mass)
OnOnOn: Cleveland Park Bar and Grill
After spending all day drinking and much water as possible, a very well hydrated pack circled up outside the Cleveland Park metro for what was surely the hottest hash in a long time. We sang a rousing rendition of HI My Name is Joe and the pack was off. We quickly started climbing up the hill into the yuppie NW neighbourhoods. It seemed as if every residence had decided that it was time to water the lawn bc there were plenty of sprinklers to run though….and I made sure to hit every one. After a few more hills we found our first shot check, some sort of cherry drink with real fruit, delicious and nutritious! From there we bounded into Rock Creek Park for some nicely shaded trail running and exited into the final hose down and beer check! We stood around and cooled off with some tasty, tasty beer and then were off….just kidding it was time for a naming!
Just Eric is from Cape Cod (seriously from there….he apparently knows the Kennedys) and went to Annapolis where he studied Communications. He likes shifty sex (whatever that means), goats, Aladdin, and apparently makes his own porn. Once when a chick was going down on him she asked him to hold her gum. When she finished they found the gum all through her hair and learned the hard way that Eric is allergic to peanuts. He also once slept with a chick that had one leg that was significantly shorter than the other.
Names that didn’t suck:
Cum on I Lean
Kennedy Cum Pound
Bubba Licious
Four Guys and 7 Years Ago
Chosey Moms Choose Jizz
Henceforth and forevermore throughout the world of hashing…except Great Falls, fuck them! Just Eric shall be known as Chosey Moms Choose Jizz! And now it was back to our regular scheduled programming….the rest of trail!
We were once again off in the direction of the Cathedral. After breaking for another fruity shot (this time watermelon!) we circled around the Cathedral and finally stated the downward Descent back towards Cleveland Park. After slapping the bag we stumbled into the On In where we commenced re-hydrating and….
Violations:
Brokeback Mama was overheard saying “Wild Things actually had a decent plot”….because that’s why you watch the movie.
WoWo for shaving only parts of his chest
Whoregon Trail was too busy spreading her legs on trail to lay any flour.
Wack-a-hole came off the Appalachian Trail and managed to find the only group of people that smelled worse than her.
PIO told Whiskey Business to “just slide it in there while no one is looking,” because everyone loved surprise sex.
The Scarlet Letter was in CVS and only purchased a Father’s Day card and condoms….because nothing says Happy Father’s Day like condoms.
Just Lisa and Just Shelly for being raceist and then complaining about getting violated.
One of the Virgins was heard on his cell saying “I don’t know where we are but we just stopped for beer, this is the most fucked up weekend ever!”
London Bitches Going Down apparently likes to TiVo HGTV
Violations from the Crowd:
There were some but I ran out of paper in my notebook….and it was really freaking dark out!
It was then time for a pretty regular event…a NAMING!
Just Veronica grew up as a military brat and attended U of Texas and American. She likes Bed Knobs and Broomsticks, Debbie Does Dallas and Longhorns. She is a budget analyst and the last time she got laid was in Dec. She banged a guy while on a motorcycle and got pulled over and once got a girl fired. She sometimes likes to make out with girls and then there was something about an orgy with some brits in NYC.
Names:
Bobbing Along
Margret Snatcher
Union Jack Off
Mind the Gap
Hells Anal
English Basement
Henceforth and forevermore throughout the world of hashing…except Great Falls! Just Veronica shall be known as Hells Anal
On-On
6 Pigs in a Blanket
EWH3 Scribe
- EWH3 #651: Cops and Robbers Trail- Stadium Armory Metro
EWH3 #651: Cops and Robbers Trail- Stadium Armory Metro
Hares: ONe tit ONly, Everything Butt, Safe Word, Aunt Vagina, Blood Sausage, and perhaps a walkers hare (maybe, maybe not)
Virgins: Just Jamie, Golan, Sean, Deb, Aaron, Meg, Stephanie, Kit, Christine, Tracy, Shelly, Piper
Visitor: Fang Whore- Sin City
Mud Pirate- a hash in, you know, Italy…
Sperm Bank- a hash in, well, you know, China…
House of the Rising Sun- Survivor H3
Just Jake- Carolina Trash
OnOnOn: Trusty’s
Ok, I am going to keep this short because we don’t have the AC on in our house as I write this and I don’t want to get too worked up. The trail started at a park a few blocks away from Stadium Armory and, after the hares weighed down some FRBs (Presidential Nasty and Cock Soup included) with balls and chains we were off (as were the balls and chains- they did not stay on too long at all). We were immediately lost, ran through alleys, got lost, etc etc as the pack thinned and thinned. After a nice shot check by the Stadium, we cut through the graveyard and then to the beer check under the bridge by the train tracks. Apparently a lot of the pack had already been around these parts, so for some wankers, this was round 2. It was hot, and we drank.
We were then off again, wondering if we were going to end as far away as possible from the beer check and thereby the bar. We were pleasantly surprised that the pack just went on a little loop and back to the BC site (though some of us braver souls took a nice lap over the Anacostia train bridge and looped around the bridge). We drank, “hydrated,” and prepared ourselves for some…
…Violations!
London Britches had a tampon in his ear, helping with the theory that maybe it’s 6 Pigs who has the penis in the relationship.
Can’t Get Beaver was accused of hashing so much that he has become an Oompa Loompa, but we all know that Presidential Nasty is our resident (though out-of-town) Oompa Loompa.
The Hares were given a bondage tip from Presidential Nasty- all bondage items/chains/cuffs should be pink and furry, though he’d also accept leopard print.
Just Jamie and Just Chris brought their wallets with them on trail, just in case it got too ghetto for them and they wanted to hop on the bus and escape to NW.
1 If By Man, 2 If By She was mad about having to wear her beer last week, so we did it again.
Slutty Charms and Dildo Shaggins were practicing flash dance behind a pylon and were forced to display it within the circle.
And I cut it short because you all were loud!
And I couldn’t hear the violations from the crowd, so suck it!
But it was still time for a naming:
Just Julie went to Boston University where she majored in Latin American studies. She is an immigration paralegal, loves missionary position the best, and her favorite Disney movie is Mulan. When she was 15 she was hooking up with her boyfriend in the back of a pick-up after Thanksgiving. It was cold, and they still had their parkas on. When things were getting hot’n’heavy when she heard a voice say, “Young man, you get your hands off my daughter.” She looked up to find her whole family outside watching and she then swore off sex (because that’s how we handle situations).
Names:
Gobble Gobble
Porn-a-plenty
Never Never Slammed
Wishbone
And the pack settled on….oh shit! Not in my notes. We’ll get it updated after I harass her this week.
Despite my lackluster abilities as scribe, we had another naming coming up:
Just Beth is from BETHesda- get it?! She went to Boston College, who are the eagles, is a veterinarian, her favorite animals are dogs, she was once beaten by a prostitute on U Street, and had to break up with a boyfriend because his package was too large.
This information pretty much set us up for one of the easiest hash names, as Just Beth became Dr. Too-little.
We stormed Trustys and drank by a bus but we didn’t dance our faces off.
Hoping for a dance party this Thursday,
Whiskey Business
EWH3 Scribe
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