It’s time to flashback to those days of yore. Bust out those letter jackets, JNCOs, wrestling uniforms, or other memorabilia. You know you want to wear it outside the house.

When: 6:45 PM Thursday March 21, 2019. Pack away at 7:15!

Where: McPherson Square – Vermont Ave. Exit – follow marks to start!

Hares: GeriatricMandering; Mambo # Hives, Pinocchi-Ho; Split Her Bare; Special Red; and Cheech and DongW

Miscellaneous Crap: Trail is A to B. Trail is a scenic pavement pounder. Dog and stroller friendly. It should be a nice night. Pack smartly and bring a headlamp & mug! Be smart, have fun.

Trail Lengths
Runners: Close to 5 miles
Walkers: Slightly more than 2 miles

Last trains out of McPherson Square:
Blue line to Franconia-Springfield 11:28 PM
Blue Line to Largo Town Center 11:27 PM
Orange Line to New Carrollton 11:20 PM
Orange Line to Vienna/Fairfax-GMU 11:36 PM
Silver Line to Wiehle-Reston East 11:21 PM
Red Line to Glenmont 11:36 PM
Red Line Shady Grove 11:36 PM

On After: Capitol City Brewing Company, 11th St NW & H St NW

Specials: You’re special. <wink>

When: Thursday, March 14, 2019

Where:  Dupont Circle Metro (Red Line)

Hares:  Poon-apple Juice, Throbbin’ Hood, Mourning Wood, General Tso’s Dicken, Schrodinger’s Micropenis

Virgins:  Just Patrick, Just John, Just Elliot, Just Fernando, Just Catherine, Just Joaquin, Just Marissa, Just Julia

Visitor:  Virgin Mobile (Jolly Roger H3), Tits for Tots (Kampala, but formerly of EWH3!)

On-After:  Recessions

It was a gorgeous night in DC and the weather brought out so many fair-weather hashers the pack was positively engorged.  #SquadHoles said it was the biggest he’d ever seen.  Speaking of things I saw on trail…


  • Our wonderful virgins Just Marissa & Just Julia shared in opening circle that a “Historical Bar Dude” from 8 months ago made them cum.  Props to him for being able to make ladies cum 8 months after the fact, and also to them for being cold blooded bitches and not remembering the name of someone who made both of them cum.
  • The hares were violated for spending too much time watching American Pie and not planning trail.  They literally fucked up pi… on pi day… on a pi trail.  If I wanted to get fucked by a pie, I’d just wander around the bakery section of the Unsafeway.
  • Shout out to Texas Hold Him who responded to my complaint that the hares fucked up pi by four digits in by clarifying that to him it’s not fucking unless you’re *at least* four digits in.
  • Cum Peg Me got so deep into his exploration of Asian culture that he came out Mexican?  (It’s a visual joke, he was wearing a serape.)  Also, his several month vacation on the other side of the world wasn’t enough to scrub the DC all the way out of him because I caught him not once, not once, but three times networking for a job on trail.  If I have to hear the phrase “comms director” one more time…
  • SchroCo was busted for naming his dick Google – I literally caught the man shouting at his own crotch “Hey Google, what temperature is it outside?” but despite being skimpily dressed like a sad Dobby cosplay I still couldn’t find it.  Was anybody else feeling lucky?  However, SchroCo should clearly name his junk Uber.  Everybody gets a ride, even though it’s only 3.14 stars…
  • And finally, for all you illiterate philistines who didn’t appreciate my In The Night Kitchen joke about Throbbin’ Hood’s gaping bathrope and missing toque, read a goddamn book.
get it now??

No naming, but plenty of Wawa got stuffed in the ole pie hole if ya know what I mean…

On – 69 degrees in March!! – on,

Stain Gretzky

When: 6:45 PM Thursday, March 14th, 2019. Pack away at 7:15!

Where: Dupont Circle – at the center of the circle (get it…? circle..?)

Hares: Poon-apple Juice, Mourning Wood, Schrodinger’s Cock, Throbbin’ Hood, General Tso’s Dicken

Miscellaneous Crap: Trail is A to A’ or B (your choice), dog and stroller friendly, not Roman dictator friendly

How Far: Runners’ trail will be 3.14 miles – second half about twice as long as the first. Walkers’ trail is less than half of runners’. Yes, this is a math problem. 

Last trains out of Farragut North:

Glenmont  11:31 PM

Shady Grove 11:39 PM

Last trains out of Farragut West:

Franconia-Springfield 11:32 PM

Largo Town Center 11:23 PM

New Carrollton 11:16 PM

Vienna/Fairfax-GMU 11:40 PM

Wiehle-Reston East 11:25 PM

On After: Recession’s 

Specials: Karaoke. Duh.