Hares: Cum Dumpling, Low Press’her Front, Kandy Panties, Just Nikki and our very speshul mystery hare Poop Weiner
Brew Crew: Saskatchewsnatch and I Manual Cunt
Virgins: Just Caitlin, Amanda, Max, Todd, Brad, Ron, Andy, Rebeca, Rob, Katie, Brian and Peter
Visitors: Poop Weiner (SHHH), Fire Pants Alec and Just Anna
Analversaries: Silly Gay Virus (17)
OnOnOn: The Ugly Mug
We gathered outside of the Eastern Market Metro station during what had been a beautiful day. The hares were sent off, the virgins were educated about trail marks and we circled up for our normal opening shenanigans. We had a replacement RA this evening: Cock-a-Doodle-Do Me. She apparently has zero pull with the hash gods because as soon as we started opening circle the skies opened up and there was a downpour so heavy would have given Noah cause for alarm.
The pack was off on a “trail” that was completely washed away. Literally there was not a single mark to be found. This fact didn’t stop Hair Cuntery from continuously yelling “On-On” and leading the entire pack on a “trail” of his own devising. Where was the sweeper hair? Who the fuck knows? Following Hair Cuntery into unknown does not exactly fill you with a sense of confidence, but apparently there was a method to the madness, after about three miles of r*cism the pack did find the beer check. (That method being running around the neighborhood going through every plausible beer check location.)
By the time we got to beer check the rain had abated and it was actually possible to lay trail. The hares were off and the pack followed after consuming some tasty beverages. Maybe three quarters of a mile into the second half of trail the hares popped out of hiding and tried to pelt the FRBs, and the pack, with flour. Unfortunately they neglected to actually send anyone ahead of this ambush point to lay the rest of trail… so now the pack was actually in front of the hares… I have no idea how they thought this would work out well. I ended up walking the rest of trail because there wasn’t any point in running it.
We got to the end, which was the same location as the beer check. Another excellent choice of strategy by the hares… We had circle and proceeded to get rained on in spite of the fact that the skies over head were basically clear of clouds… Cocky, sacrifice your virginity already!!! Clearly the hash gods are not happy with you protecting it.
Now on to the details:
- Slumcock Anywhere was “working” from home and had decided to pass the time by having a beer and watching some inter-net porn, unfortunately his favorite porn site was down and he decided to do actual work instead.
- The Hares did down-downs for not anticipating the weather and laying their accordingly… Low Pressure Front is a meteorologist for Christ sakes! (FYI- a ‘meteorologist’ is someone who predicts the weather.)
- Do Me Howser bought the cow, having just married Tupperware. It was noted that Tupperware has been barely seen at the hash since snaring a man.
- Fucks Up Dock? Was complaining that she had a drippy snatch. She assured me that we had nothing to worry about as she was taking something for it…
- Just Nikki covered herself in orange flour. She drank for trying to impersonate an “orange” girl with a bad fake tan.
- Just Tara asked if we hashed during the winter. Next she’ll be asking if we hash during national holidays and natural disasters.
- The notorious FRBs Sphincter Shy and Cock Your Suck I Will were trying find trail even though the were AHEAD of the hares.
- The hares did down downs for their excellent “stragery” in sending no one ahead to actually lay trail when they decided to ambush the pack.
- Obeastiologist was talking about “fartlicking” on trail. Whether he was being a r*cist or just gross doesn’t matter. He deserved his down down.
- Roll Over Bitch! was violated for abusing his position as Harerazer by using the hareline to pimp out his resume.
- Eat Your Vegetables was commended for managing to appear popular during at least one hash.
- Canned Pussy, #2, Just Nick and Fuxedo all managed to show up to beer check completely dry. Something wasn’t kosher there!
- Hair Cuntery was violated for creating his own 5K in place of the first half of trail.
- ChippenFails had a flower growing out of his ass… apparently sperm is a good fertilizer.
Then we had a very special occasion… a NAMING! (It’s not like we do this EVERY week!)
Just Nick who had been thrown back the week before was brought into the circle for second shot at getting a name that didn’t suck. During round two of the interrogation we learned the following about Just Nick:
- Graduated from the Naval Academy and is a Navy pilot
- His squadron is the Bulldogs and his call sign is Stewie
- Lost his virginity at 18 in the living room of his girlfriends house
- The meanest thing he ever did to someone was drop a bomb on the wrong house.
- The meanest thing he ever did to an American was punch a girl in the stomach
- His favorite barnyard animal is a goat
- His favorite TV shows are CNN and Man vs. Wild
Edgar Allan Ho who has the (mis)fortune of sleeping with Just Nick these days had a story about the night they first met. It was after a hash and EAH and Just Nick met at the ononon. They left for metro together and while on metro they made a little and Just Nick tried to get EAH to go down on him, which she didn’t do. Before they needed to switch trains he tried to get her to come home with him, which she also refused to do. Of course a little later that night he called her claiming to have missed his train, and she picked him up and brought him home that night anyway. (Apparently EAH is pretty gullible…)
Armed with this information the crowd came up with the following names for Just Nick:
- Police Blowtality
- Rail Rider
- No Means Anal
- Last Train to Poleland
- Slobber on My Cock You Bitch
- Ass Wide Shut
- Ho She Chin Trail
None of these names quite had the cache of Whore Crimes however. Goodbye Just Nick, hello Whore Crimes.
Then we had a very special occasion (for realz)… a SECOND NAMING!
The crowds lust for namings not sated with Just Nick (err Whore Crimes) Just Judy was dragged into the circle. Just Judy went to American University whose mascot is the Bald Eagle. Her hobbies include hashing, hashing and hashing. (NO idea what Just Judy did with her time before discovering hashing.) She works as a restaurant hostess. (Philosophy major in college?) She grew up in Puerto Rico and went to an all girls catholic high school.
She lost her virginity in college and swallows after a blow job. She was a good catholic girl in high school so when she dated guys she would blow them instead of giving them sex. The strangest place she’s ever had sex was in a lifeguard house in Miami Beach. Her favorite sexual position in missionary. When asked about how many girls she has kissed Just Judy had a story about making out with a stripper in front of an ex-boyfriend. When asked about the first time she had anal sex, her response was: “It was a surprise.”
We learned a lot more about Just Judy but unfortunately my scribe notes get pretty esoteric at times. I sure wish I could remember what story the note ‘Long dark phallus – Flavor in my mouth’ referred too. I’m also pretty sure there was some sort of catholic school girl lesbian story… Oh well, not everything can be recorded for posterity.
Anyway, the following names were nominated for Just Judy:
- Double Stacked
- Dyke Watch
- Three Men and a Maybe
- What abouy Knob
- Coochie Grissel
- Shindlers Lisp
- Everything Butt
- Surprise Attack
- All Head No Bed
In the end due to her catholic upbringing and her subsequent attempts to make up for lost time Just Judy was named John 3:69.
Then we went to ononon, drank our faces off and tried to get laid. Was everybody happy? You bet your ass we were!
Until next time…
Rear Protein Injection