Hares: Chicken Fucker, Monday Sticky Monday, Beer Fairy, A-Salt My Ass and Peace O’Chum
Brew Crew: Silver Spooge and Wank Like An Egyptian
Virgins: Just Steph, James, Jess, Julie, Jeremy, Mike, Travis, Jamie, Mark and Juan
Visitors: No visitors were dumb enough to run this trail!
This week the hares had us venture over the Anacostia, through the ghetto and into eastern Maryland. We circled up on the top of the metro parking garage and commenced our normal opening activities. The trail featured surprisingly little ghetto and lots of shiggy. This included many forays through pricker bushes which everyone enjoyed. One of the more interesting pieces of terrain was a very large, abandoned parking lot in the middle of nothing. It was difficult to imagine what this parking lot used to serve as parking for.
Eventually we emerged from the wilderness into one of DC’s finer neighborhoods where all the best shopping (for illicit drugs) and (gang graffiti) and nightlife (Georgina’s, the singular bar in the whole neighborhood) can be found!
Now on to the details:
- A-Salt My Ass grabbed Cock Your Suck I Will from behind and picked her up during opening circle. I hope you all caught that because it’s probably the last time you’ll ever have the opportunity to witness ASMA picking up a girl.
- Bitch On Bitch On Bitch was overheard complaining “This thing made me itch.” Something you picked up at the hash made you itch…? No shit!
- Chicken Fucker (and the hares) laid yet another trail that made everyone bleed like a 12 year old girl getting finger banged for the first time.
- Hair Cuntery was complaining that the terrain encountered on trail wasn’t quite what was advertised on the trail news. If had known there was going to be so much shiggy he would have worn different shoes. If that’s not some r*cist bullshit I don’t know what is!
- Cum Dumplings batteries died on trail and he didn’t have any replacements. CD should always have extra batteries with him. We all know there is no way he’ll ever be able please a woman without a battery operated device.
- Fat Friends in Wet Places was carrying his cell phone on trail. I hate to be the one to break it to you dude, but she’s never going to call you back.
- Do Me Howser and Cum Dumpling were rubbing each others nipples at beer check. That’s some gay shit right there.
- Cum Cumpling and Do Me Howser couldn’t stop talking about queens on trail. Whether they were talking about history or their last date, is inconsequential, they deserved their down-downs.
- An Inconvenient Poop was 30 minutes late to the hash. You know the old saying: better late than pregnant!
- Just Carla was the victim of not just one but two drive-by pickup attempts on this ghetto trail. No word if any of the thugz actually got her number…
- It was Cute Lesbian In Training’s birthday. We usually don’t commemorate birthday’s at EWH3 but in this case we made an exception since it meant C.L.I.T. was finally old enough to get her learners permit.
- Dyke Tyson was complaining that she couldn’t get her tits out. I have three words for you: practice, practice,practice. Us harriers will be happy to observe and critique your technique.
- Tits for Tots was wearing a shirt that so torn up it made her look like the latest tiger attach victim at the ‘Ziegfried and Roy’ show.
- Finally the Hares were violated for not looking out for our brew crew. The chose an ending circle that was right in front of a sign reading: “No serving or consuming alcohol within 1000 feet. Violators will be prosecuted.”
Then we had a very special occasion… a NAMING! (It’s not like we do this EVERY week!)
This night Just Nikki was brought into the circle so that the crowd could give her a decent and respectable name worthy of the hash. During the interrogation phase of the ritual we learned the following about Just Nikki:
- She went to college at Salisbury University in Maryland home of the Seagulls.
- She supports her hashing habit bu working as a graphic designer at the Jewish Community Center… and yes she is a Hebe!
- Her favorite barnyard animal is the Cock
- Her favorite sexual position is Doggy Style and the most unusual place she’s had sex is an elementary school playground.
- In her opinion facials are good for your skin.
A few stories came out about Just Nikki. One time a boyfriend passed out while going down on her. She was also caught having sex with a dude who had a girlfriend (she was the mistress) by the guys mom.
Her most embarrassing sexual experience occurred in high school however. Her boyfriend decided to make her a romantic dinner for valentines day. His parents were out of the house and he set up candles and everything. After dinner things got hot and heavy and they went to his room to have sex. Unfortunately his parents and grandparents came home early that night. Even more unfortunately they ran into the house screaming, not because they knew Just Nikki and her guy were having sex, but because the dining room table was ON FIRE. Just Nikki and the boyfriend had to evacuate the house naked. Remember kids, put those candles out before you start playing a round of ‘hide the candle.’ Lesson learned!
The crowd come up with the following nominations for Just Nikki:
- Friction Burn
- Wake Up Little Floozie
- Stop Fuck and Roll
- Ambien Me Over
- Parent Trap
- It Burns It Burns
- Fire Down Under
- Come On Baby Light My Fire
Hmm most of these names followed a theme. In the end the crowd favorite was Backshaft in honor of the classic firefighting movie and some sort of phallus. That’s just how we roll. Goodbye Just Nikki, hello Backshaft may all your hashes be short and beer filled and all your drunken mistakes be disease free.
Then we went to the ononon, Georgina’s, got drunk and clumsily made passes at each other… some of them probably even worked. No sightings of former mayor Marion Barry this time. Boo!
Until next time…
Rear Protein Injection