EWH3 #550 – Grafitti Hash, Dupont Circle
Hares: Monday Sticky Monday, Underground Railroad, Wax On Whacks Off, Tit-ka-boob
Brew Crew: Clappy Birthday, Wank Like An Egyptian
Virgins: Just: Pam, Jonathan, Kent, Tim, Danielle, and Josh
Visitors: Daffy Dick (Killeen, TX H3), LOAF (Akron H3), Just Stefan (Singapore H3), Hoover Daaaaaaamn (formerly of WH4)
Analversaries: 69 hashes—Peace O’Chum, Presidential Nasty; 169—Kandy Panties
Ononon: The Front Page
For the annual grafitti hash, the white t-shirt-clad pack met up in Dupont Circle and, armed with Sharpies, started writing all over each other. There were all kinds of brilliant gems. My favorite piece of grafitti seen on someone else was a naked, spread-eagled hermaphrodite on the back of Buttfuck Norris’ shirt. Seriously, it had boobs and a cock. My favorite piece of grafitti seen on me was, “You must be this tall [with a line drawn] to ride this ride.” Can’t Find Pussy in a Haystack started opening circle. Now, I’m happy for Haystack, and I’mma let him finish, but Poop Weiner was the best GM of all time. OF ALL TIME!
We ran through the streets and alleys of the Dupont Circle area, and into Adams Morgan. The pack must’ve arrived at the beer check at Marie Reed early: We beat Plan B there and had to wait for our beer. And wait. And wait. And write on each other some more while we waited. Finally, it arrived, and we put our markers down and mugs up for some glorious, glorious beer.
After beer check, the pack headed south, along U Street and then into the gayest part of Dupont. EWH3 being the gayest hash ever, we were all right at home. Not long after that, we found the on-in, in an alley, and drank beer and wrote on each other some more. Cock-a-Doodle-do-Me, guest starring as RA, found two very tall, very ripped Justs to serve as beer bitches, and called us all to circle up. It all went normally, until, during the analversaries, Peace O’Chum took off her pants to put on her boxers and showed us all her bike shorts, emblazoned with a man’s junk. It’s almost like there’s a running theme here, and it’s not grafitti.
- Ring Toss Salad showed up at the hash with a creamy, white substance around his mouth. He claims it was toothpaste, but we all know different.
- Cum Dumpling shaved his scrotum and glued the hair from his balls to the top of his head.
- Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Cock decided he wasn’t gay enough, so he went and got a miniature poodle puppy.
- Fuck’s Up, Doc? worked on her masters’ degree in art on everyone’s shirts.
- Buttfuck Norris had a very detailed drawing of Lady Gaga on the back of his shirt.
- Just Barnaby dressed up just like his daddy.
- Red Eye Vagina and Two Lips in the Bush stayed away from the hash for years, but they both showed up to this one, just in time to have a love-fest with each other.
- Just Victor did a double take when asked if anyone wants sausage.
- Cock-a-Doodle-Do-Me pulled a Topher and paid the hash cash by check.
- Duck Job showed up wearing a track suit last seen on the first season of The Sopranos.
- Cum of a Preacher’s Hand and Ankles Away didn’t have sex on trail, for once. They just held hands. Cum of a Preacher’s Hand must be on the rag.
- Ring Toss Salad left his sports bra at home.
- An Inconvenient Poop lost her virgin. Not her virginity, her virgin. And she didn’t even properly deflower him!
- Tit-Ka-Boob forgot to lay walkers’ trail up to beer check. She had chalk, but didn’t know what to do with a long, thick stick in her hand.
- Team Tastes Like Bad Decisions is running a 193-mile relay. If that doesn’t taste like a bad decision, I don’t know what does. And since whoever isn’t running at the time will be crowded into a van, it’ll smell like bad decisions too!
- Silly Gay Virus tried to sing a song about “Johnny the Retard.” Is that Donnie’s cousin?
Violations from the Crowd:
- Peace O’Chum did her best Lady Gaga impression when she changed into her boxers.
- Tits for Tots can’t take it while running.
- The Beer Bitches—Chicken Phucker just wanted to violate them, and he’s a heterosexual, married man!
- Cockwork Orange was complaining about white cream in her eye.
- Cum and Knock on My Back Door keeps hitting on Just Barnaby.
- Twinkle, Twinkle Little Cock loaned Just Barnaby to Cum and Knock on My Back Door and is now $50 richer. Poor Just Barnaby is a little sore.
- Winn Dick-Me got indignant about roast beef. There were a bunch of other food-related innuendos too.
- Tits for Tots got dressed up an extra large condom that was ribbed for her pleasure.
- Please Step Away from the Whores lost all the walkers. Doesn’t he usually just auto-hash anyway?
After shotgunning a few beers, we had a NAMING!
Just Victor went to University of Massachusetts-Boston, majored in sociology, and now works for REI. He tried to convince Hooooooal! to climb the climbing wall there when she went to buy shoes, just so he could look up her skirt. The first time he had sex, his now-wife ripped his foreskin. Apparently, he has a really long foreskin, which he’s used as a pickup line. His mom once walked in on him while he was getting a blow job. Just Victor has had sex on a balcony in Mexico on his honeymoon, and in a men’s room in Nantucket. Someone walked in on that too, and the girl involved had to jump out a window. Just Victor has also punched a girl. Punching ladies, making them jump out windows—wow, this guy’s a real keeper! Just Victor is originally from Colombia. As in the Latin American country where they make cocaine, not Columbia, SC, where they make rednecks. Finally, he dated his English teacher when he was 16.
Shitty naming suggestions were:
- Merry Bris-mas
- More to the Point
- Barely Covered Wagon
- Say Hello to my Little Friend
- Pop-Up Escobar
- Here’s a Tip
- Skin to Win
- The First Fuck is the Bleedest
- Stall Tactic
- Turtleneck Section
- Former Skin
- Inglorious Ass Turd
- Cutting Class
The pack was struggling, but ultimately, once the teacher story was told, there was no question. Henceforth and forevermore, throughout the world of hashing (except Great Falls—fuck them!), Just Victor will be known as Cutting Class.
We finished the beer from Plan B, went to the on-on-on, and tried to get laid.
Tits for Tots