EWH3 #570: 10th Anal Trail before Christmas Hash – Thursday, December, 17, 2009

 

Start: Pentagon City!

 

Hares: CoXXX on Demand, PeeWee’s Little Adventure, PoPo Disco, Put It Out & Mystery Hare

 

Virginis: Just Sarah (who is NOT single), Just JP, and Just Erin

 

OnOnOn: Tortise & Hare (though most of us know that’s code-name for Freddie’s)

 

If you were a small child at Pentagon Row on Thursday evening, you were treated to far more Christmas thrills than mere ice-skating.  What’s that around the corner?  Could that be one of Santa’s elves?  My is he old!  And, look, a reindeer!  OMFG it’s Santa!  But then some other, naughtier types showed- scantily clad, saying things you only heard when you walked in on Mommy and Daddy “wrestling”- and then the booze came out, and then your parents were rushing you to the car…

Yes, it was the 10th Anal Trail before Christmas Hash, and my was it festive!  The pack gathered at the Pentagon Row to sign in, drink spiked hot chocolate, and rummage through a variety of Santa hats.  Because Put It Out was a hare, the trail of course ran in circles throughout the South Arlington area- up parking and down parking garages, through shops, past confused and amused people.  Because it was EWH3 and anything but a perfectly straight trail, we got lost multiple times.  What fun!

 

There was a hot cider shot check atop one parking garage, and a beer check in a lot by Costco.  There was also a scribe at both checks, so come on people, speak up!  From the check the trail looped down to the Crystal City Shops- a barren wasteland of consumer products- seriously, one of the saddest malls I’ve seen, and I was recently at Landmark.  We meandered through the underground (heh) and then dashed up 23rd, past the OnOnOn to a parking lot for the end circle.

 

Violations:

 

Put It Out was able to reconcile his Peter Pan fetish with the Christmas theme by way of his green tights.

 

Twinkle Twinkle Little Cock instructed a lady looking for a pink Santa hat to go see the horny guy- very helpful description- it’s EHW3 that’s like directing her to go find the white guy.

 

Big Bendover gave us this night’s round of “What Was He Talking About?” Overheard snippet of conversation “…it’s always better after a douche…”

 

Mayonnaise on the Pooper expressed how she is unemployed, having to plan someone else’s wedding, and looking to get drunk- HINT guys, this one’s desperate!

 

Cum Dumpling just had to go and give the runners a few minutes warning before sending them off from the beer check…

 

Just Andy enjoyed all the “ins & outs” of the trail- of course he was referring to the tunnels, because we all know he wasn’t getting any.

 

Cock-a-Doodle-Do Me, Mayonnaise on the Pooper, and Underground Railroad are so old (how old are they?!) that they were getting nostalgic about the GRE.

 

Pee Wee’s Little Adventure and Big Dig received that night’s inappropriate Christmas-themed pick-up line: Big Dig asked and Santa-suited Pee Wee if she could be Santa, to which he replied, “No, but Santa can be inside of you.”  Class, class, class.

 

Oops, I Blew Him Again has sworn off driving since every time she gets behind the wheel a naked penis winds up erect in her car.

 

Roll Over, Bitch! Was dying to change his pink Santa hat to a red one because it “matched his sweater better,” confirming his preoccupation with color coordination over getting laid (or possibly preparing for Freddie’s?)

 

ChippenFails was overheard saying “Oh man, assholes.  There’s nothing better than smelly assholes!” on trail- enough said.

 

Violations from the Crowd: happened, but this scribe’s hearing was impaired by alcohol.

 

And then there was a naming!  Or wait, an attempted naming!  Seriously, I am three for three with failed namings, from cops to throw backs.  So what happened this week?  Well, Just Nikki is from Remington, Washington.  She went to George Mason to major in biology.  She has never done anything mean in her life- hmmm.  She lost her virginity at age 16 while watching Steel Magnolias.  That’s correct, during Steel Magnolias she decided she wanted to lose it so made her then-boyfriend run 5 miles to go get a condom- he must be a hasher somewhere.  She once had a one-night-stand on a school trip, got drunk, and told her professor about it.  Wild!

 

Some suggestions:

 

P-P-P-Poker Face

Cherry Poppin’ Ten Miler

Remington Steel

Prefontaine Ejaculation

16 Love Handles

Fetus Bueller

Small Hands on Deck

Cream Me Up Scottie

Pursuing Her Cocktorate

Magnum Cum Loud

 

As you can see, we were really scraping the bottom of the barrel here, and so decided to throw Just Nikki back.  I appropriately told her to take this night to get very drunk, make some bad decisions, and have some better material for next time.  I wonder if she did…she sure didn’t take my hint and see me at the bar…

 

Of course the OnOnOn, both T&H and Freddie’s consisted of much karaoke, beer, appletinis, and ass-slapping.

 

-Cum & Knock On My Back Door