EWH3 #573 – New Year’s Eve Anti-Resolution Hash, Clarendon
Hares: Chip ‘n’ Fails, Muff the Magic Dragon, St. Pauli Girl, Big Dig, Eat Your Vegetables
Brew Crew: Snap Crackle Poop, Incredible Edible Schmegg
Virgin: Just Tony
Visitors: Wreath Around, Blue Balls Pedophile (Crystal Coast, NC, H3), Fair Game, Gutter Balls.
Ononon: Hard Times
Happy New Year! Everyone bust out your party hats…. and put something shiny on your head. The pack met up right outside the Clarendon Metro, and tried to stay dry in the chilly rain. Not wanting to get all kinds of sweaty that early in the evening, I opted to walk. Walkers’ trail would have been short, except Veggies apparently didn’t know how to read a map. As it was, we ended up following part of the runners’ trail and got to first a shot check, with shots of hot spiked cider (yummmm) the relocated beer check (the cops were sitting and waiting for us at the original planned beer check location, in the parking garage over 395) in a parking lot in Ballston after the runners had already left.
After quickly downing a beer, we left for the long walk back to end circle at Chip ‘N’ Fails’ house, on the other side of the Clarendon Metro. Oh, who am I kidding? I autohashed; I had work to do before end circle started. Note to self, when in doubt, RUN.
- Silver Spooge inadvertentyrevealed a deep secret about himself when he said something about “my dad and her sister.” Spoogey has two mommies!!
- The hares, because they had to continue in the tradition of laying a horribly long trail around New Year’s.
- Please Step Away from the Whores couldn’t get anyone to follow him even with the promise of beer.
- Herpicles broke a parking garage barrier trying to hump it.
- Cum Dumpling wanted everyone to check out his tender rectum. Ehh, I think I’ll pass.
- Fair Game went running on Christmas Day. Not hashing, just running. That makes the Baby Jesus cry.
- Coin Operated said she needs a stick up the middle. I’m sure there are lots of harriers who’d be willing to help with that.
- Snatch to the Future complained about how wet she was, showing that her priorities are clearly out of whack.
- Pinocchi-ho contracted an STD in his earlobe, which bled all over his face.
- Tony Panda suggested that Pinocchi-ho go see “Twilight” and pick up some 10-year-olds by showing them his bloody ear wound.
- Just David lost his virgin but not his virginity.
- Chip ‘N’ Fails didn’t take advantage of Just David’s lost virgin.
- Bobbin’ for Butt Plugs said that he’s not nearly as picky as Chip ‘N’ Fails. He then went on to say something about how it’s not gay if you’re on top, even if htey push back. I don’t know, I’m still wrapping my mind around someone calling Chip ‘N’ Fails picky.
- Herpicles said that everyone looks the same in the dark, proving that he is even less picky than Bobbin’ For Butt Plugs. Well, he did try to shag a parking garage barrier.
- Private Snowball exhibited chivalry on trail. That’s unacceptable hash behavior.
Violations from the Crowd:
- Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Cock called his hat a helmet, because he was getting nostalgic for his old days of riding the short bus.
- Fuxedo somehow got Shamrock Your Cock’s tongue stuck to his face.
- Just Tony missed his turn and tried to make an announcement during violations. Virgins should be seen and not heard.
- Tits for Tots is technologically challenged.
Then it was time for a very regular occasion, a NAMING! Actually, it being New Year’s Eve, I suppose that made it special.
Just David is a government contractor who works with Chip ‘N’ Fails and dates Muff the Magic Dragon. She says he’s very good at eating pussy. Just David attended Nebraska State University; I think the mascot is the Cornholer. His favorite Disney movie is Fantasia. What’s he smoking, and can I have some? When he was 17, he was getting a blow job in a parking garage around Christmas time, and a family with kids was parked in the adjacent car. The parents got out of their car, knocked on Just David’s window, and asked them to stop. He once took a girlfriend on a ski trip, and even though she contracted high-altitude pulmonary edema, he left her to go skiing. Just David also plays soccer, and his skills on the pitch are such that his teammates nicknamed him “Pixie.”
Naming suggestions (that didn’t suck) were:
- Donald Suck
- Girl, Interrupted
- Feliz Nobby Job
- Walt Jizz-me
- Pixie Dicks
In the spirit of the holiday season, the pack decided to call Just David Feliz Nobby Job. He even gets his own song now:
Feliz Nobby Job!
Feliz Nobby Job!
Feliz Nobby Job!
Feliz Nobby Job!
I wanna wish you a Merry Christmas, I wanna wish you a Merry Christmas, I wanna wish you a Merry Christmas, from the bottom of my balls!
After that, some of the the pack went to the bar, some went to New Year’s Eve parties, and all drank more, welcomed the new year, kissed a bunch of people at midnight, and tried to get laid.
Tits for Tots