EWH3 #582 – The Original Jackass Birthday Trail: An ode to Johnny Knoxville (and jorts)
Hares: Put It Out, WaxOnWhacksOff, Whiskey Business, PeeWee’s Little Adventure, Snatch to the Future
Where: Virginia Sq. / GMU
When: March 11, 2010
Brew Crew: Brokeback Mama and Cum Dumpling
Virgins: Just Amber, Just Mary, another Just Mary, Just Kate, Just Aaron, Just Lisa, Just Doug, Just Matt, Just Demi, Just Joe, Just Shelly
Visitor: Cherry Peddler (Japan)
Being one of the first warm weather hashes of the year, a significant number of mostly sex-depraved hashers descended upon the VA Sq. metro, looking for a run, and hopefully a piece of ass later on in the evening. Most got the first part. The second? Not so much. The walkers got neither. Weird.
With the EWH3 hareline truly receding (read: sign up to hare a trail, you lazy bastards!), two veteran hashers stepped in to save the day (PIO and WoWo) and they pulled in the only (piece of) asses they could get their hands on: the newly re-named Whiskey Business (the douchebag formerly known as Cum and Knock on My Back Door) and PeeWee’s Little Adventure. And just because they could, they decided to lay their trail wearing Jorts. The only thing more pathetic than that was the TRUE fact (hand to God) that Whiskey Business, in order to join the kewl kids wearing frayed and totally not gay jean shorts, bought his roommate Subway if he promised to bring WB his jorts to run in. Really, you’ll pay someone else $5 to run around North Arlington wearing jorts? How much would you pay someone to kick you in the balls? Abuse is abuse, that’s all I’m saying’…
Trail was interesting, where we looped around the metro a couple times. We also passed some interesting sites. One of the restaurants we passed on trail was aptly named “PIO.” And did anyone notice that every time we crossed Wilson Blvd., it was next to a Mexican joint? This was also appropriate, cause after passing the last one, the trail quickly turned into shit.
We circled up on the Ballston parking deck, and then the fun began. First and foremost, I would like to apologize for the absolute scathing violations that I meted out to some people. But it’s not my fault you all suck at life. Onto your violations:
· The Hares: With PIO and WoWo haring with Whiskey Business and PeeWee’s Little Adventure, the hash had a distinct “Fathers Take Their Sons to the Hash” feel to it.
· Big Dig was complaining that her pre-hash meal wasn’t enough to hold her over. Apparently St. Pauli’s Girl didn’t give her enough “throat yogurt” before the start.
· Roll over, Bitch! refused to cross the street with oncoming traffic, stating that, “I want to live.” Dude, you live alone with 2 cats, have no girlfriend, and play video games all day. What exactly do you have to live for?!
· Cock-A-Doodle-Do-Me stated earlier in the day that she wanted to dip little babies in maple syrup and eat them. Um, that’s just fucked up. Even for us.
· Sphincter Shy was overheard saying “it’s all over my chest and I can’t get it off.” He was apparently speaking about his ex-girlfriend.
· Just Sarah had on a nice set of pearl earrings. For a couple beers at the bar and a shot of 4 Loko, I can give you the necklace to match.
· PIO’s jorts were the best (if you can actually RANK jorts) with the perfect length, frays and holes in the leggings… AC Slater called. He wants his look back.
· Twinkle, Twinkle Little Cock is currently engaged in a “pussy finding” contest with his poofter dog, Jizzmo. Apparently, things are going so badly for TTLC that he had Jizzmo neutered. UPDATE: Jizzmo humped 3 legs Thursday. TTLC humped his right hand.
· Gaystation was wearing a 70s wife beater, 70s cargo shorts while sporting a 70s haircut and chin-strip facial hair. He looked like an episode of Welcome Back, Kotter on acid.
· At the beer check, which was 3 houses away from St. Pauli’s Girl’s house, Big Dig thought that it would be a good idea to go to his place, have a couple of SPG’s homemade beer and then drive to end circle. Who the hell do you think you are, Please Step Away from the Whores?
· It wasn’t even that hot out, but Sphincter Shy decided that he was going to run shirtless. With his gruff facial features and hairy chest, he looked just like Tom Selleck in Magmum PI, but without all that “cool, sexy, studly, every-girl-wants-to-bang-me” baggage.
· PIO conveniently ran trail past his own “PIO” restaurant, but neglected to run us by the “PIO Walk of Shame.”
· Pining over some girl, Whiskey Business told me that he was looking forward to a plate of all you can eat wings at the OnOnOn… unless said girl showed up, in which case she can have a plate full of his heart. Dude, we almost re-named something with a direct reference to syphilis. I think she’d be better off with a plate full of amoxicillin.
· I’ll Push Backa was seen in ending circle with a nifty little Ziploc bag of trail mix that he brought from home. That’s cute… did your mother pack your lunchbox that day, too?
· Vienna Sausage, immediately after leaving beer check, ran headfirst into one of those wooden gates that block exits to parking garages. Germans are stupid.
· Gaystation had a nice little dew rag hanging out of his back pocket on trail. He’s also been hanging around Dupont a lot lately. We know that the rag means… it hurts you to sit down lately, doesn’t it?
We then turned things around, completely mixed up your typical EWH3 circle, and ended with… well. We all know the drill.
Here’s what was discovered about Just Barney:
He was brought to the hash by Obeastiologist, and it was noted that this was the first time OB got anything or anyone at the hash to cum. He went to the University of Rochester for undergrad, and went to grad school at the University of Delaware. He presently works at the NIH as a psychologist. His favorite farm animal is the milk cow, because he claims that they have big teets. His favorite position is reverse cowgirl. He lost his virginity on the playground of the elementary school that he went to as a child (last week seems SO long ago). His most embarrassing sexual moment was when he was given a hand job (presumably by some dude) wearing a handful of rings. It was so painful that it destroyed most of his foreskin. Seriously dude? It’s ok to say, “No, stop, MY DICK IS BLEEDING PROFUSELY!!” Just Barney is married, and (how cute) they have identical tattoos. Except that they didn’t get them together. She had hers before they met, and Mr. Originality over here decided to show his dedication to her and her past by getting the same one. Ah, a permanent reminder of something you don’t understand because you weren’t there… He was truly embarrassed when he was at the airport going through security when his luggage started buzzing. The bags were flagged by security, but fear not, no bomb… it was just his wife’s vibrator. And finally, the meanest thing he ever did to someone was when he threw a meat cleaver at his younger brother.
K through a Fifth
And How Don’t I Make You Feel?
Sword of the Rings
Since none of those names made any goddamn sense, we went with the obvious: Homeland Insecurity. Welcome to the club, d-bag!!
We all then went to the OnOnOn, First Down. It was cool, cheap beers, kick-ass buffalo wings (or so I’m told, a certain someone forgot to order mine!!), and good times. I don’t know what the rest of you all did, but I went home and got laid.
Assflac, stunt-scribe and asshole-extraordinaire