EWH3 #583 – Get Lucky on St Patrick’s Day, Mt Vernon Square/Convention Center
Hares: My Little Pony, And I’ll Push Back, Leggs Over Easy, Sphincter Shy
Brew Crew: Chicken Phucker, Homeland Insecurity
Virgins: Just Heather, Drew, Chris, Sarah, John, Alexis, Dani, and a whole hell of a lot more
Visitor: Just Mark (Honolulu H3), Just Leah (Kona Crab H3)
Analversaries: 17 runs–And I’ll Push Back, Forever Virgin, Trim Shady, If I Were a Stiff Man, Oops, I Blew Him AGain; 169 runs–CumSquat
Ononon: Kelly’s Irish Times
Top o’the mornin’ to ye! Erin go Bragh! After drinking our asses off on St Patrick’s Day, the pack donned their finest green running clothes and met up outside the convention center, to do it all again, with a run thrown in too. Much like most everyone’s day after St Patrick’s Day, I don’t remember all that much, because I was suffering from an epic case of jet lag, but here goes: Trail was shaped like a shamrock and featured the best urban shiggy DC has to offer. Before too long, we reached the first shot check and had shots of straight Jameson. Tastes like burning! We went around another leaf of the clover, passing an ice cream truck along the way. Some folks lingered at the ice cream truck a bit longer than necessary, but for once, I wasn’t one of them. After that, the pack reached the beer check on top of a parking deck.
After having the hair of the dog, we took off again. The second shot check was green jello shots, which, curiously, made me want to sing karaoke. A few shots later, we got to the on-in, in the same parking deck where we had beer check. We could’ve just stayed at beer check and kept drinking, but I guess the jello shots made the extra distance all worth it.
- 3-2-1 Fuck Off gave up on his vow of chastity and came back to EWH3.
- Put It Out tried to relive his youth by playing beer pong at a party the weekend before.
- Pittsburgh Kneeler was wearing a t-shirt that said, “This is what a Feminist Looks Like,” despite the fact that she wouldn’t know a feminist if one sat on her face.
- Whisky Business complained that his last bike ride tore out his asshole. How the hell does he ride a bike? Without a seat?
- Daffy Fuck brought a permission slip to come to the hash, signed by his wife. Someone’s pussy-whipped!
- Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Cock went through puberty while conducting circle.
- Mile High Snub said she was hoping for Asian Mix tonight. Now, I’ve had Asian Mix recently, and you really don’t want to go there.
- Oops, I Blew Him Again tried to recruit guys to join her kickball team by promising blow jobs, but not from herself.
- Fat Friends in Wet Places was a little too excited about that ice cream truck.
- Just Mike refused to take a jello shot on the grounds that it’s not vegetarian, even though a few nights beforehand, he had eaten chicken, which didn’t even contain any alcohol.
- The hares promised the walkers shots and didn’t deliver… teases.
- Just Brian asked before the hash, “Was I supposed to shave my balls for this?” Yes. Yes, you were. When in doubt, always manscape.
Violations from the Crowd:
- Tits for Tots complained about how Asian Mix made her sick. Now, Swedish meatballs, on the other hand….
- The hares laid a trail devoid of shiggy.
- A bunch of little girls saw I’m Lick James, Bitch! running by and started yelling, “Mayor Fenty! Mayor Fenty!” proving that even black people think they all look alike.
- Whisky Business’s dad is disappointed that he turned out to be so gay, to which he responded, “I wasn’t always this way; that didn’t happen until college.”
- Bow-Chick-a-Bow-Bow couldn’t find a urinal, so he peed on his tie.
- I Manual Cunt is a media slut; he was one of a panel of “beer experts” in the Washington Post.
- It’s Tony Panda’s birthday! Happy birthday, fuck you.
- Put It Out said, “OMG,” and “LOL” on trail: Just because you text like a 12-year-old doesn’t mean you have to talk like one.
- I Manual Cunt, the ’80s called and they want their Members’ Only jacket back.
- Nobody Puts Labia in the Corner got a new job on the Hill, where his duties will no doubt involve hanging out under desks and doing things with cigars.
- Tits for Tots tried to learn how to say “cougar” in Mandarin while she was on vacation, but learned to say it in Swedish instead.
Then the cops came, and we were just about to pack up, but by the luck of the Irish, they went away, so we had time for a very regular occasion, a NAMING!
Just Alex went to Johns Hopkins and does genetics research. Yup, another one. He loves the cock. No, really: his favorite farm animal is the rooster. The meanest thing he’s ever done was to throw a cell phone at another guy’s balls. He lost his virginity at the ripe old age of 22, to a 35-year-old cougar who was his best friend’s babysitter when they were kids. Just Alex prefers missionary position, so he’s boring in bed. He once got a blow job from a Swedish girl who used her teeth too much (I can assure you, Swedish guys don’t have such problems in bed), so he tried to teach her how to do it right. That just begs the question, how does he know the proper technique for sucking cock? Just Alex once had sex on a swingset in his apartment complex. He also once dated a Brazilian girl who wouldn’t go down on him because it was against the morals of her village. One night, though, she started to head in that direction, told him to roll over, and tossed his salad. Interesting morals, that village has.
Naming suggestions (that didn’t suck) were:
- Salad Shooter
- And then, she licked my ass
- Parting the River Stinks
- Tossed in Translation
- Don’t Tell Mom, the Babysitter Gives Head
- Adventures in Baby-shitting
- Tongue in Cheek
- Late in the Pink, Tongue in the Stink
It was a tough call, but in the end, we named Just Alex Late in the Pink, Tongue in the Stink. Shocking, no?
We finished the beer, headed to the Times, drank a lot of Guiness (or cheap cans of Miller Lite, but why?), and tried to get laid.
Luck o’the Irish to you,
Tits for Tots