EWH3 #584 – Woodley Park/Zoo/Adams Morgan
Hares: Assflac, Wank Like an Egyptian, I’m Lick James, Bitch!, Uncle Tom’s Stabbin’
Brew Crew: Fucks Up, Doc?, Buttfuck Norris
Virgins: Just Zach, Mike, Marishka, Lisa, Sean, Beth, Alex, Joshua, Jamie, Nate, Paul, Allison, Margaret, and too many more to keep track of
Visitor: Hand Job (Guam H3), The Saint (Brooklyn H3)
Analversaries: 69 runs–Pittsburgh Kneeler; 300 runs–Put It Out
Ononon: Millie & Al’s
The pack circled up at the entrance to Rock Creek Park, and off we went. I don’t know about the rest of you, but I was expecting a long, rough slog. Just look at who the hares are–all FRB’s, so of course they’re gonna take us on a death march. It wasn’t as tough as I had feared, though there was a really steep downhill bit of shiggy where you basically had to hold onto a fence to climb down. It was like horizontal rappelling, which I’ll have to try in some other context. Trail may not have been a complete death march, but, rather, the hares set out to confuse us into exhaustion. We got back to the start, but there was no beer van in sight. We did see true trail arrows telling us to repeat going in the same direction, and checks marked as the second one at the same corner as the first. Obviously the hares didn’t get the memo that the hash is not nearly smart enough to follow those directions and would likely end up repeating the first half of trail all over again. Fortunately, most of the pack was able to read, and managed to reach the beer check at the Spanish steps in Dupont Circle.
This trail was about 5.5 miles long. At least 5 of those miles were in the first half: the second “half” was a straight shot into the on-in, at least to anyone who’s ever hashed in Adams Morgan. The actual trail? Who knows, it probably went in a lot of circles first.
- Shetland Blow Me has a new hairstyle that can only be describes as a “mullethawk,” or perhaps a “mohullet.” Both the punks and the rednecks from the 80s called, and they want their hair back.
- Assflac tried to pass up the herpes he got from fisting PIO as poison ivy. Nice try, kid.
- Chip ‘N’ Fails brought the biggest, butchest, most bearish virgin he could possibly find. Just like every other Thursday.
- Whisky Business missed trail because he was at his school’s talent show, teaching his students how to “express themselves.” Those kids are all gonna turn out gayer than Christmas.
- Cock-a-Doodle-do-Me said she didn’t want to get wet. Unlike every other Thursday.
- Can’t Find Pussy in a Haystack also can’t find a way to take his race chip off his shoe.
- Assflac brought the pack on one of his triathlon training runs without giving us bikes or floaties.
- Tangled Up in Poo is giving up. Whooooooores Closing! is settling. Congrats, kids!
- Slamda Slamda Slamda said she’d like to come once this spring. I’m sure there are lots of wankers who could help you with that.
- The hares were dressed like Playboy Bunny rejects… and PIO always makes fun of the GW kids for wearing jorts.
- Cum Dumpling claims that not only is he prettier than Sarah Jessica Parker (true story), he’s also better than her at faking an orgasm.
- Eats Street Meat and Chicken Phucker didn’t get enough on trail, so they ran off to have sex immediately after.
- Poop Weiner’s back in town! That’s ALWAYS acceptable hash behavior.
- Rear Protein Injection is the worst PhD ever: he admitted that he doesn’t know everything.
- Wank Like An Egyptian called dibs on violating himself, even though it’s always better when someone else does it for you.
Violations from the Crowd:
- Chicken Fukr said his cargo pants were PI repellent, despite the fact that we all know PIO’s attracted to anything that reminds him of ‘Nam.
- Blows a Tranny failed to live up to his name: he saw an actual tranny on trail and didn’t blow her (him?).
- RU-469 pretended not to be a hare, that’s how shitty the trail was.
- Just Liz complained about putting her hand in mud. She would’ve complained more if she’d known it wasn’t mud.
- Tits for Tots and RU-469 both went to Asia recently and came back looking strangely satiated. How do you say “MSG” in Swedish, anyway?
- Hungry Hungry Homo got some road head but didn’t come.
- That’s because Cocky didn’t follow through.
- Assflac showed up at the hash looking like he got raped by the Under Armour Fairy.
- Whisky Business needs Child Protective Services to take him away from PIO.
- Hungry Hungry Homo, Jason Mraz called, he wants his hat back.
- Wax On, Whacks Off was so lazy, he got virgins to carry his dog for him.
- Roll Over, Bitch! was complaining about circle, saying, “Back when I was songmeister…” Everyone get off his lawn!
- Whisky Business said there was too much beer in the down-down cups. Lightweight.
- I’m Lick James, Bitch! enthusiastically dug into the ice after Assflac sat on it, because he didn’t get enough STDs on trail.
- Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Cock has a problem with Pittsburgh Kneeler wearing lace underwear to the hash. You’re doing it wrong.
Then it was time for a very regular occasion, a NAMING!
Just Robin is from South Carolina and went to Savannah College of Art and Design. She is now an oil painter and art teacher to 1st and 3rd graders. When asked what her favorite sexual position is, she replied, “Depends,” AND her porn collection has a lot of golden showers involved. Make of that what you will, folks. Just Robin likes to watch porn with guys and then pee all over them, or maybe vice versa. The meanest thing she’s ever done was to beat a guy up with a shoe when she was 12. She lost her virginity when she was 16. Just Robin used to play rugby for a team called The Shamrocks, and she’s now a rugby official. She once passed out while having sex, and the guy finished all over her face. She spits, shaves into a landing strip, and likes the cock. Finally, Just Robin’s favorite Disney movie is The Jungle Book.
Naming suggestions (that didn’t suck) were:
- Urine Luck
- Georgia O’Queefe
- Out in Place On my Face
- The Mask
- Pay Less
- Finger Taint
- DSW: Double Squirting Whiz
- Baloo Me In The Face
Henceforth and forevermore, throughout the world of hashing (except Great Falls–fuck them!), Just Robin will be known as Baloo Me In The Face.
Is everybody happy? You bet your ass we are! We finished the beer, headed to Millie & Al’s, sang karaoke, and tried to get laid, even though those last two things are often mutually exclusive.
Don’t Stop Believin’,
Tits for Tots