EWH3 #586The 6 Pigs can’t find Hungry Hungry Homos eating Veggies inside Haystack Trail, Ballston

Hares: Eat your Vegetables, Can’t Find Pussy in a Haystack, 6 Pigs in a Blanket, Hungry Hungry Homo, and a mystery hare?

Misc: Dog-friendly, and absolutely no need to bring a headlamp, dry clothes, or swimmies…oh wait…

Virgins: Were there*

Visitors: Were there*

Ononon: Caribbean Breeze/First Down/Warm Shower

*Come on, I’m a bit rusty at this!

 

It was a Thursday, so of course I was happy.  I mean, it’s the hash right?  Could anything bad happen?  Even not-getting-laid can still be a good hash- trust me, I know from personal experience.  Each week.  So I grabbed my bags, logged out of Weather.com, and headed over to Ballston, where dreams come true.

The pack circled in a courtyard just across the street from the Ballston metro and took off to the Custis Trail.  It was a pretty straight straightaway, which was nice of the hares, since I’m sure everyone in the hash is training for a 10k.  Thanks guys! 

But there had to be some other reason for this trail, which we of course came to eventually- a tunnel!  After a couple hundred yards (I think- does anyone know?  Bueller?) it began to sound like a gigantic toilet began to continually flush over our heads.  And then the water began to rise.  So look, I’m not going to belabor the point- it sucked, people were and still may be mad, but you have to admit, how freaked out must the people on that street have been when 60-some people came flooding (PUN!) out of the manholes?  Anyway…

The pack had a beer/buddy check and then it was another straightaway to that other Ballston parking garage that is not Washington and Lee High School.  So far as I know, everyone survived DisasterHashFloodofDoom ’10.

 

 

Violations

 

Mannipple Lickter admitted that he has never been punched in the face before, so the hash being full of drunk assholes should be a good place to get that taken care of.

 

Eat Your Vegetables told another hasher beforehand that “you’re going to hate this trail.”  No sh*t!

 

Twinkle Twinkle Little Cock made a detour on trail to ChippenFails’ rugby friends’ house where he “left his bag.”

 

Cock Strikes 12 and his wife wore “Just” and “Married” shirts.  There really wasn’t much there, I was just annoyed that I had to face the fact that I am a drunk asshole who may be lonely his entire life.  Awkward…

 

CoXXX on Demand came out of the manhole looking like he was in a mudbath, confirming that he is a metrosexual.

 

SWAB had to actually stop and think when I asked him if he had fingered a dead hooker.

 

We all felt like sewer rats after that tunnel, but Cum Dumpling was the only one to fully embrace the look. 

 

Just Collin stated that that was the longest tunnel he’s ever been, then immediately mentioned to Tits for Tots that he had seen her naked, making me wonder what he meant when he said tunnel…

 

After sitting on Haystack-ass stained ice, 6 Pigs in a Blanket managed to have the most undesirable vagina at the hash.

 

Butt Fuck Norris and My Little Pony had essential technology on trail and were rewarded with beer!

 

 

Violations from the Crowd

 

Happened, but it was loud (HASH HUSH!) and my pen ran dry….

 

 

And then it was time for that thing we call a NAMING!

 

Just Collin went to the George Washington University where he studied foreign policy.  He now continues to work with the University, clinging onto the dream and hitting on underclasswomen.  Just Collin’s favorite Disney movie was the Lion King because he wants to have sex with Nola.  Yes, that’s Disney beastiality if you were wondering.  Just Collin said his most embarrassing sexual experience was a bout of premature ejaculation, followed by a boner walk across a party to the bathroom.  He was then reminded of the time that he went down on a girl his freshman year who proceeded to shoot her own load at his mouth.  At least both stories have a common theme.  Oh yea, and he’s still a virgin (sorry buddy).

 

 

Fun Naming Suggestions:

 

  • Chester Cupperbutt
  • Sprayed and Neutered
  • Ohno
  • Lickedy Spigot’s Series of Unfortunate Events

 

and

 

  • Uhoh! A Squirty Hoe!

 

After much deliberation and yelling, it was decided that Just Collin would become Uhoh! A Squirty Hoe!  Now about that V-card….

 

 

We sang, drank, and tried to hit on young professionals at the bar.

 

And I’m back to doing my job!

 

Whiskey Business

EWH3 Scribe