EWH3 #588- The Forest Glen Trail

 

Hares: PutItOut, BrokeBackMama, CoXXXonDemand, Just Joe, and Just Anne

 

Virgins: Lost that sheet in ensuing debauchery, but I do recall a virgin who stated that she was “extremely single.”  Probably better to have not lost her name…

 

Visitors: See above.

 

Ononon: Quarry House Tavern

 

 

 

Due to poor planning and the awesome traffic in the DMV, I showed up with Wax On, Whacks Off at a more depressing than usual Forest Glen Metro stop, as a great big group of wankers had already hit the trail.  Though not there, I can imagine it was something like this – PutItOut double and triple checking the trail map despite the fact that he has hared this same trail multiple times (the memory may be going…), hashers commenting on their epic treks out there (the start was 200 meters outside of the beltway), virgins looking around nervously for the Washington monument or any other sign that they weren’t about to get led into the woods for the world’s largest recreation of a certain scene from Deliverance.  You know, the one with the banjoes…perverts.

 

Relying on WoWo’s excellent ability to shortcut, we wound up at the first beer check before the runners.  There were cans of beer and champagne lying around, with a few 4loko mixed in.  This may have been the first time 4loko was in Maryland, but hopefully not the last.  It’s a movement and it’s spreading.  The second leg took us through some fun, quick trail running, where it was great to have a headlamp.  Read: When PIO says bring a headlamp, BRING A HEADLAMP.  The second beer check was held along some abandoned railroad lines (I assume they were abandoned, but maybe all of MD looks like that when you’re that far out).  After more trail running, blowing past some confused diners out for a nice meal, knocking over civilians (We’ll get to that later), and going up wrong parking garages, we ended in an alley off Georgia Avenue in Silver Spring.  They didn’t say A-Z for nothing, kids.

 

We drank, sang songs, and tried our best to say offensive things without offending people:

Violations

 

Just Mary , who came to the hash sporting dreads and multiple piercings, has obviously made a lot of poor decisions in her life, except for sleeping with Mannipple Lickter.  In due time.

 

The Hares only brought 2 cans of 4loko.  Didn’t they know that when you go to 7-11 you always have to buy a whole case?

 

Twinkle Twinkle Little Cock decided that complaining about dry and itchy skin to a girl was a good way to get her attention- and give her a heads up that he has Chlamydia.

 

Sphincter Shy sent an email to his workers from his hash account.  Just because it is sphincter.shy does not make professional.

 

Cutting Class was so sweaty (How sweaty was he?) that he was the sweatiest Columbian outside of a customs line.

 

PutItOut informed this scribe that he had been “Oreo-d,” you know, when someone throws an Oreo in your beer and you have to chug it and eat the Oreo.  But there was no Oreo at the bottom.  Blasphemy. 

 

Clappy Birthday showed up to the hash dressed like a reject from a Mad Max Movie.

 

Hungry Hungry Homo complained that he cannot fit a whole Whopper into his hand.  If he struggles with that much meat, then how does he get through his many lonely nights?

 

Uh-Oh! A Squirty Ho was overheard saying that he was afraid of dark holes- well no shit, how else do you explain the V-card??

 

Just Ian was worried that we were violating personal property on trail.  Obviously this concern shows that he has never been laid.

 

C.L.I.T. was worried that the trail was going to ruin her pedicure.  Little did she know that some guys were lined up to ruin her bikini wax.

 

I Manual Cunt was congratulated on being back at the hash.  Now he can annoy us in person as much as he does on Digby’s!

 

Just Amy fell into the sewer water, so this was a heads-up to any guy lucky (?) enough to take her home- MAKE SURE SHE SHOWERS.

 

Wank Like an Egyptian had the night’s most desperate game when he logically concluded that since taxis pick up women, he should just stand in the taxi line to pick up women.

 

Gaystation wanted to win all three legs so badly that he knocked over a poor old woman trying to get up some stairs.

 

Just Rebecca bit Vienna Sausage’s hand a couple of hashes ago.  She should know that when we say sausage, we’re not referring to his fingers.

 

Violations from the Crowd

 

Come on, you guys remember what happened, don’t you?  Two rounds of violaters being brought in the circle because of crickets?  Shape up!  Though Manniple Lichter was appropriately violated for knocking over all of the orange food and Oreos.

 

And then it was time for that thing we call a NAMING!

 

Just Mike went to American University.  He was 20 when he lost his virginity (yikes!).  His favorite Disney character to masturbate to is the one from the mermaid movie.  You know, the Little Mermaid.  His most embarrassing sexual moment was when he was drunk and having sex with his girlfriend, Mile High Snub.  Wait, there’s more. 

 

When he was done he want to go take his condom off (their condom?) but could not find it.  Using his power skills of deduction, he decided to look in the only place imaginable- her vagina.  This was really our focus on the naming, and some possible names were:

 

Power Bottom

Small Wonder

Splash!

Little Mermade Me Cum

Under the Semen

 

After much deliberation and voting, it was decided that Just Mike now be referred to as Under the Semen!

 

The hash finished up beer and went on for more beer over at the QHT in the form of PBR tall boys.  Oh, and about those tater tots….

 

 

Yours truly,

Whiskey Business

EWH3 Scribe