EWH3 #589 – Urban Cowboy Trail, Minnesota Avenue
Hares: Gaystation, Red Vag of Courage, Six Pigs in a Blanket, Six Fags, Axl Blows
Brew Crew: JAG Queen, Saskatchewsnatch
Virgins: Just Alice, Clare, Marissa, Michael, Miranda, Sid, Natalie, Alex
Visitors: Chicken Pot Guy (New Orleans H3), Eat My Twat (Sir Walter Raleigh H3–transplant)
Analversaries: 100 runs–Double-Ohh Positive
The pack circled up in a field in the middle of the ghetto. The runners’ hares had given Axl Blows a speech to read, but since EWH3 has no attention span whatsoever, he ended up getting a “shots fired” in opening circle. Real smart idea for this neighborhood, kids. After that, we were off. Trail went on and on and on, and we eventually ended up in Anacostia Park. There was a turkey-eagle split right before the river. The turkeys crossed the river over an old, wooden bridge and then climbed around a fence to end up near RKF Stadium. While crossing the river, we saw a beaver–no, not that kind of beaver, get your minds out of the gutter, folks!–an actual beaver, swimming in the river. The eagles had to ford their way across the river and probably caught all kinds of diseases. Use condoms, kids! After that, the pack came back together, ran past the Stadium and through some neighborhoods until we came to the shot check, Sparks in the swanky back yard of a really nice house. There were two guys and a couple of little kids hanging out in the back, and when someone asked, we found out that that’s where Six Fags lives. That explains so much about his name! Once we had some much-needed energy and booze, we ran a few more blocks to a beer check in an alley.
That was already about 4.5 miles, kids! There was a second half for runners, including another beer check, and from what I heard, it was short. But after a surprise ball-buster the week before and a r*ce the previous Sunday, I was a lazy scribe and decided to walk the second half. We ended up in Garfield Park, where we were visited by a “stripper” on a motorcycle, who, fortunately, told us not to make him come back here again, and rode off into the sunset, leaving us to drink more beer.
- Axl Blows–we didn’t know Kid Rock was coming to the hash!
- Keyless Entry fell and hurt herself, so now instead of being a cuddle muffin, she’s a crumb cake.
- Six Fags came out on Facebook today: either we’re all really proud of him, or, after last week’s very special violation, he really should have learned to never leave his cell phone unattended around his friends.
- Chip ‘n’ Fails was confused: from the waist up, he was ready for the hash, but from the waist down, he was going scuba diving.
- Just Melody is pregnant, which means she is allowing Axl Blows to reproduce. He had to drink for 3.
- Cum Dumpling tried to run opening circle in the middle of the street, even though Wookin Pa Nub just got busted for that.
- The hares, because bitches set Axl Blows up!
- 6 Pigs in a Blanket said, “it’ll be too tight in there, but you can try.” That’s not what we’ve heard.
- Just Jade was carrying a fuel belt water bottle because her mouth gets dry. Dude, the guys at the hash won’t care, as long as other parts of you are wet.
- The hares loaded all the liquid in the rear.
- Just Kathy doubled over when she heard someone say, “look, a beaver!” Um, they weren’t looking at you.
- Six Fags left his virgin stranded. You don’t want to do that, they have so much to learn!
- Vienna Sausage won the award for desperate pickup line of the week by telling a harriette, “I’m a secretion agent.”
- Just Anne made a purse into a denim vest to go along with the theme tonight. You made it work, but it’s the hash, not Project Runway.
- Bitch on bitch on Bitch and Just Anne couldn’t open their throats enough to shotgun a beer, and refused to let Put it Out teach them how.
- I’ll Packa and General’s Farm Animal whipped out their flasks to compare sizes. I’ll Packa’s was bigger.
- And finally, Mile High Snub was heard saying, “That was refreshing and disgusting at the same time.” We’re not sure if she was referring to the Anacostia River, or to Under the Semen’s lovemaking the night before.
Violations from the Crowd:
- Just Jamie dressed like Debbie Does Dallas.
- Tits for Tots dressed according to theme in circle, even though no one else did.
- Whisky Business ran by the school he teaches at and didn’t get propositioned by any 12-year-olds.
- Uncle Tom’s Stabbin’ was on all fours and was still taller than Six Fags.
- Chip ‘n’ Fails really, really wanted to scribe, so he could have another excuse to creepily pick up dudes.
- I’m Lick James, Bitch! was disappointed that no one confused him with Mayor Fenty this week. He also didn’t understand what the neighborhood kids were saying. “Excuse me, stewardess, he doesn’t speak jive.”
- Whisky Business was heard yelling, “Prick check!” on trail. I know it’s small, but do you really need to tell us all when you’re making sure it’s still there?
- Put it Out, unlike Chip ‘n’ Fails, ran by four schools without trying to creepily pick up anyone.
- Cock-a-Doodle-Do-Me told everyone to bring extra towels, because it’s gonna be a mess.
Then it was time for a very regular occasion, a NAMING!
Just Anne went to Bryn Mawr, a women’s college, where she majored in cunning linguistics. While she was there, she got harassed by lesbians, lost her virginity (yes, to a man) just before graduation, had sex behind the admissions building, kissed her ex-boyfriend’s current girlfriend, had a threesome that she doesn’t remember, and danced around a May Pole, which may or may not be a euphemism. Just Anne is into older men and S&M, she likes to be tied up and bent over things. She was once strung up in a doorway with telephone wire. She studied in Jordan for a while, and smuggled goods back into the US. Just Anne doesn’t get embarrassed by anything, but she did walk in on her brother once, which was kind of awkward. She is now a teacher, and all her students know she’s a breeder. Just Anne also peed behind a dumpster after her first hash, but we all know that’s perfectly acceptable hash behavior. Finally, when Just Anne hooked up with a wanker who will not be named, she was so loud that afterwards, the wanker’s condo association made a rule against extremely loud sex in the building.
Nominations that didn’t suck were:
- Tongue Tied Up
- Denial Tone
- Cunning Linguist
- Wireless Family Plan
- Reach Out And Fuck Someone
- Safe Word
- Dumpster Diving
- Shoulda Cum Louder
The crowd really liked the S&M angle, so Just Anne was named Safe Word. Then, we all went to the bar, sang karaoke (and what the hell kind of gay karaoke bar has no Lady Gaga? It’d be acceptable at a straight bar, but Remington’s is far from straight), and tried to get laid.
Tits for Tots