EWH3 #590- Cinco de Mustache Trail (Van Ness)

 

Hares: Hungry Hungry Homo, T!ts for Tots, Konichi Tw@t, Just Lauren, y possible Mystery Hare

 

Virgins: Just Tenley, John, Ian, Rob, Grahm, Dave, Nisha, Dan, Heather, Jessie, Denai (?), Stephanie, Chris, Peter, Fred, Matt, Jeff, Ryan, Elise, Mora, James, Bill, Rebecca, Shabon

 

Visitors: Wax On Whacks Off from Nigeria, not to be confused with our own WoWo..mainly because this one is a she.

 

Ononon: Guapos

 

 

The pack circled up at Van Ness with plenty of time to check out each others’ mustaches.  For those hashers that are facial hair challenged, there was also ample time to choose your favorite mustache fake-tattoo, Band-Aid, or take a marker to the face.  I’m not speaking from personal experience or anything…mine was totally real…

 

After a rousing rendition of Cinco de Mustache, the pack ran off and soon found itself in the woods.  Darting back and forth across the rocks along a tiny stream with over a hundred mustached people chugging along behind me, I couldn’t help but wonder if this is what it felt like crossing into Arizona these days (or out of, who wants to be in Arizona anyway?).  As the pack came out of the woods we were greeted by T!ts for Tots and a healthy amount of straight, high-class tequila shots.  I’m positive that it was Patron.  After the early shot-check the pack ran along for a bit more, lost trail here and there (but can you really lose something that was never laid?  Hmmm), and eventually came to the beer check in an alley behind some houses.  Rear Protein Injection soon began to sweat, and not because of the heat but because of our location, only to be reassured by the owners of said houses came out to oogle at us, and then drink with us. 

 

There was a second half, but at that point I was preoccupied with trying to plan my attack on the virgins (which, we found out later, 11/13 of the female virgins were single.  Note to self: high odds does not ensure success).  We ended by the electrical tower, drank, and enjoyed the brief company of a cop.

 

 

Violations

 

Blows a Tranny kept talking about pulling things out of his ass, only he wasn’t being figurative, he was being literal.

 

6 Pigs in a Blanket and Cock-a-Doodle-Do Me wore their Tough Mudder t-shirts because they wanted to prove that women can be tough.

 

On to a different, less funny and more serious type of racist, Just Jade was overheard saying “Kool-Aid check” when we ran by some folk.

 

The Hares took all the time in the world to draw the cute little mustaches on trail but forgot to actually take the time to lay a good trail.

 

I’ll Packa wanted to make out with T!ts for Tots’ mustache.  Not her, just her mustache.  This explains why he was seen leaving Apex last weekend.

 

Butt Fuck Norris learned that when you wear a race shirt to the hash, you’re a racist, but when you wear your Muay Thai boxing shorts, you’re just gay.

 

Just Keith, Rob, Andrew, and Eliza painted a huge target on their backs when they decided to simultaneously rock out in their GW cross-country uniforms and make it even more painful for us alumni to associate ourselves with that school.

 

All the virgins were violated since we could not figure out which hasher blew himself up to get all 72 of them there.

 

RU-469? attended a donkey-punch class.  And I thought there were some things in life that you can’t teach.

 

General’s Farm Animal offered tequila to virgins, stating “open your mouth and let it fall in.”  Just because you say it to them when they’re sober doesn’t make it less creepy when you try it again later.

 

Just Mike was overheard describing how “the first time was my fault but the other two were consensual.”  As long as you’re batting over 500 buddy…

 

Just Allison was commended for puking and rallying on trail

 

Rumpleforeskin brought 4 Justs and was subsequently bukkaked.  (NOTE TO SELF: when google-ing “bukkake” for spelling purposes, do not be shocked by what comes up)

 

 

Violations from the Crowd

 

Because of their mustaches, we could not tell PoPo Disco and Just Josh apart.

 

Don’t Ask was the closest thing we had to a Mexican for our Cinco de Mustache hash. 

 

6 Fags wore a fanny pack to the hash filled with candy because he was on a mission to get to 7 Fags.

 

Whiskey Business was can’t get any but just because he doesn’t grow chest hair doesn’t mean he can go after a priest.

 

 

And then, of course, we had a naming!

 

Just Sam, who looks like a more creepy version of Christopher Walken, went to West Point (Mule) for his undergraduate education and Providence (Friar) for his masters.  His favorite sexual position is doggystyle.  His dad once walked in on him and his girlfriend, who was on top, and stayed to watch.  He once chaperoned a dance and slept with one of his students’ date (clarifications: his student was a male and so the date was supposedly female; said students were in college already).  One time he had sex with a girl and then came on her friends’ face.  Oh, and he commands a battalion.  Wait, what?!?

 

Some names:

 

Lester the Molester

All Over My Face!

Permission to be Nasty, Sir!

2 Girls, 1 Nut

Double Tap

Bay of Pigs

 

RPI’s Bay of Pigs stole the show, and it was decided that Just Sam become Bay of Pigs.

 

We ran out of beer.  Guapos had good food.

 

 

 

Did anyone else find Betty White oddly attractive on SNL this week?

 

-Whiskey Business