EWH3 #591- A Red River Runs Dry- Hashlor Party!!! Trail (Takoma Park)

 

Hares: A Red River Runs Through It, Cumdumpling, Coxxx on Demand, Brokeback Mama

 

Virgins: Just Danny, Richard, Jackson, Brian, Emily, Willis, Brian, Chabon, Sherellb, Owen

 

Visitors:             Loose Change (Hillbilly Hash)

                        Mother May I (Estranged EWH3; Homeless)

 

Ononon: Roscoes Pizzeria

 

 

The pack circled up on a nice grassy knoll outside of the Takoma Park metro stop.  A Red River Runs Through It had deemed the hash his best way to spend his last night of freedom.  His fiancé, on the other hand, was not present since she went with the traditional sweaty-guy-rubbing-his-junk-everywhere type of party.  Wait a second…

 

There were plenty of dogs present (I mean the ones with fur on 4 legs and for once am not being chauvinistic…come on, it’s the summer at EWH3!).  This was great because Have Fun Storming the Asshole’s pup used her doggie-senses to warn us of the sh!tty trail ahead by, you guessed it, actually taking a sh!t in the middle of the start circle.  We thought it was funny at the time.  If only we knew…

 

The pack merrily (yes, merrily) ran through the beautiful streets of Takoma, MD before coming to a beer stop in an alley.  Kudos to brew crew, whose spectacular parking job made a really enjoyable bottleneck around Plan B, creating two different beer checks.  You got that, virgins…two separate areas to be awkwardly hit on.  After drinking we ran some more- hit some false trails, trekked up and down some hills, and then finally came to the end where we were welcomed by Wax On Whacks Off and an 18 pack of Vienna Sausage cans.  Can anyone say “processed-meat-juice-shot?!”

 

 

Violations

 

Put it Out was in Europe where he said he’d had the best hotdog in his life in Vienna, but he didn’t have to travel all the way across the world to go down on some Vienna Sausage.

 

Speaking of Vienna Sausage, when most people say they’re bringing an 18-pack they mean beer.  Wax On Whacks Off, on the other hand, went with processed meat.

 

Sphincter Shy was paired in a wedding party with a 15 year-old girl.  We don’t know what he was doing exactly, but apparently his dad had to remind him that she was only 15.

 

Mother May I just came back from OBGYN school where she admitted to “spending a year putting fingers up butts.”

 

I’ll Push Back and I’ll Packa enhanced their homosexual image by wearing matching Christmas-themed shirts to the hash.

 

PoPo Disco was overheard telling General’s Farm Animal that she “only wanted the mustache.”

 

All MisManagement was violated for having a 42-message long e-mail chain on the correct spelling of bukkake.

 

The Hares were violated since even a dog recognized that it was literally a sh!tty trail. 

 

Wank Like an Egyptian showed up to a hash dressed like an Egyptian Charlie Brown.

 

Chic’n Fuck’er looked like Lance just out of chemo.

 

Just ______ showed up wearing new shoes to the hash.  Use your imagination as to what happened next.

 

Blows a Tranny announced that he needs to get away from Bush. 

 

 

Violations from the Crowd

 

Roll Over Bitch is having a tough time adjusting to girls swallowing (probably because he’s used to the other gender…)

 

At one point, Vienna Sausage departed from his usual lumbering pace on trail to an all-out sprint.  The logical conclusion?  Hiding Jews ahead.

 

A Red River Runs Through It decided to spend his last night of freedom hanging out with a bunch of sweaty guys- funny because Colleen, his fiancé, was doing the same thing.

 

 

There was, of course, a special event before the usual special event: MisManagement deemed it only appropriate that, since A Red River Runs Through It was committing to only one vagina for the rest of his life, we must bukkake him.  Or boobcocky?  We didn’t know, but a lot of beer was shot in his face nonetheless.  And then we got back on track to….a NAMING!

 

Just Melissa is an accountant.  She was a Seminole at Florida State before coming to DC.  The meanest thing that she ever did was run over a kid on her bike back in the day.  Once, in Atlanta she got drunk off of a latte drink with Jager and then fell over.  She lost her V-Card at 18, and has had a certain substance shot in her eye on multiple occasions.  She lives with lesbian lovers and is notorious for taking unsuspecting hashers back to her place, where she expects much but gives little in return.  She was once in a Fuji Film commercial as a little girl.  Seeing as we are EWH3, guess which part of her many stories we chose to run with…

 

Names:            The Goggles!  They Do Nothing!

                        Fuji Filth

                        E Pluribus Sploogum

                        My Eye Captain!

                        Gator Bait

                        Catcher in the Eye

 

After little deliberation (I mean, it was dragging on) the hash decided that henceforth and forever more, Just Melissa would be referred to as, you guessed it, Catcher in the Eye!

 

The beer was cold, the pizza was good, and everybody was happy.

 

 

See you tomorrow,

Whiskey Business