Hash Trash: EWH3 #594
EWH3 #594 – I-Did-A-Dawg, Capitol South
Hares: Cum Dumpling, CoXXX on Demand, Shamrock Your Cock, Silver Spooge, Saskatchewsnatch
Brew Crew: Brokeback Mama, Return to Ender
Virgins: Just Ed, Abby, Alex, Matt, Erica, and James
Visitors: Anchor Spanker (New Orleans H3)
It’s that time of year again, time for the 5th(?) Anal I-Did-a-Dawg, in which wankers form teams, dress in costumes, and push one team member in a “sled” on trail. Out of the 100ish wankers to show up to the pack, there were only 3 teams: Wizard of Paws (the hares, and if you can’t guess what their theme is, you need more help than I can possibly give you), Slick ‘n’ Slide (a big chunk of mismanagement, dressed like the BP oil spill), and Arizona (complete with dudes in ponchos and one guy in Super Trooper shorts, but lacking a “sled”). Unlike every other hash, there wasn’t an actual trail that was marked: instead, the hares would tell the pack to go to a certain intersection, and everyone would run there and wait until the hares, slowed by their need to push a team member in a “sled,” caught up. And wow, let me tell you, the hash is so much easier and more fun when, rather than running, you’re being pushed in a wheelchair that’s tilted back onto its rear wheels. Whee! Though I can’t help but wonder how many tourists and other muggles thought that I was an actual handicapped person, being cruelly tortured by my teammates. After running to a few different corners around the Hill, the pack ended up in an alley for beer check, and miraculously, I could walk again!
The second half ran the same way as the first, with the pack waiting for the hares to give directions to the next corner. This time around, though, the hares had broken their “sled,” leaving only Team Slick ‘n’ Slide with a vehicle. The team took me for a nice, short (too short) ride to end circle in Garfield Park, where I regained the ability to walk to the beer once again.
- Tony Panda wore brand new drinking vessels.
- Silver Spooge, while holding the tornado that was attached to Team Wizard of Paws’ cart, said, “It’s sucking me!” That’s the most action he’s gotten all year.
- Motor Mouth and Put It Out tried and failed to pick up female kickball players–a difficult feat, since those girls are even easier than harriettes!
- Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Cock made a gas chamber joke to Vienna Sausage. Too soon!
- Just Brian had phone sex on trail. Wait, no, he was just looking up directions to the next stop. And the directions he got were wrong.
- The hares, because this was the first trail where it was ok to just follow the pack.
- Clappy Birthday is moving to the other Washington, to be with the girl who gave him the clap.
- Cock-a-Doodle-Do-Me said that I’m Lick James, Bitch! should join Team Slick ‘n’ Slide because, like the oil slick, he’s shiny and black.
Violations from the Crowd:
- Team Slick ‘n’ Slide dressed as the BP oil spill, even though there was a visitor from NOLA. Too soon!
- Tits for Tots got walked in on while changing–she was pantsless–and immediately fell down with her legs up in the air.
- 6 Pigs in a Blanket was heard saying, “It’s usually filled with fags.” We can only assume she was talking about her vagina.
- Cum Dumpling busted out of his dress despite not actually having boobs.
- PIO stole Moby’s, oops, I mean RPI’s, hat.
- Choke ’em if you Got ’em and Me Chub You Long Time returned from Afghanistan. Welcome back, boys!
- John 3:69 likes them short and sweet.
- Tits for Tots needed help squeezing poles.
- PIO was wearing dog ears on trail, and the older you get, the more they sag.
- A Salt My Ass was complaining about how he’s getting fat–he could always re-enlist in the Marines and then he’d get skinny like Choke ‘Em and Me Chub You Long Time.
- I’m Lick James, Bitch! brought a bag so big that you could fit a small child inside it.
Then it was time for a very regular occasion, a NAMING!
Just Tom is from Minnesota, so, naturally, he likes big women. He attended St. Louis University, the mascot of which is the Millikin, which is some magical creature that looks like the love child of an elf and the Buddha, and majored in political science and international studies. He now works for Head Start and as a barista and is vegetarian, so his belly is all from beer. Just Tom lost his virginity when he ws 16, to a 17-year-old, in a seedy Wisconsin hotel. He once called a girl by his ex-girlfriend’s name during sex. Oops. Just Tom can’t decide whether he prefers The Lion King or Aladdin, but he does like turkeys, cowgirl sex, and amateur porn (though he hasn’t made any–his roommate, SWAB, on the other hand…). Just Tom is apparently romantic with dudes. Bromantic? He likes to take a shot of Black Velvet for luck and then go crazy before giong out. When he was little, Just Tom once called his grandfather a bitch. Confused much? Or is Assflac his grandfather? Finally, Just Tom once took a girl home from the hash, but all he got was a hand job that was so bad, he ended up with injuries.
Nominations that didn’t suck were:
- Keebler MILF
- 16 Coming on 17
- I Can’t Believe It’s Not Syphilis!
- Von Clap Family
- Compost Pile
- E.L. Fudge
- Red Line to Sore Cock
Henceforth and forevermore, throughout the world of hashing (except Great Falls, fuck them!), Just Tom will be known as Compost Pile. After a rousing chorus of “Is Everybody Happy,” we all went to the bar, sang karaoke, and tried to get laid.
Screw running, I’d rather ride at all the hashes from now on,
Tits for Tots