EWH3 #604– Franconia/Springfield Metro Trail

Hares: Double Ohh Positive, Eat Your Vegetables, Purple Peter Eater, and Please Step Away from the Whores

Virgins: Just Walt, Josh, Sarah, Ariel

Visitors: Saigon Sally (Jolly Roger H3)

OnOnOn: Lucky’s Sports Theater & Grill

 

Sources tell me that it was set to be a beautiful, clear and dry evening last Thursday.  Then Double Ohh Positive and Eat Your Vegetables were cleared to hare, and the weather turned to shit- rainy, rainy shit- which is weird, because usually those two have a lot of difficulty getting things wet.  Ba-dum, ching!

The pack met up in the parking garage outside of the metro.  Despite the weather and being all the way out in Bumblefcuk, VA we had a relatively good showing, proving that at the core, EWH3 does have more than fair-weather, summer/intern-loving hashers.  After waiting around for any stragglers, the pack was off, hares in tow, to follow a mostly washed-away trail.  Don’t worry, we really didn’t want to see any hash marks- it’s more fun to run around clueless…

I’d tell you how the beer check went, but I was lost on trail with Wax On Whacks Off and Just Josh while you wankers were drinking nice beer.  Sorry Just Josh, a virgin should know better than to follow/trust the likes of us.  I’d tell you how the shot check was, but apparently that was just for the walkers.  Side-note, if you’d like to set up a trail to punish the runners (and why would you ever want to do that?  We’re super duper nice and fun!), lay it creatively and well.  It’s all good, though- I still love you guys!

 

 

Violations

The Hares were brought into a circle for a “choose-your-own-violation.”  Or, I was feeling lazy and thought I’d give the pack a chance to heckle them.

Cum on Prancer couldn’t remember the girl that he picked up on Saturday night, but could remember the inappropriate place her finger went,

 

Wax On Whacks Off is obviously passing on his traits to his dog, as it was licking another’s ass all circle. 

 

Just Josh was caught mucking up his new shoes before the run.  How’d that mud taste mixed with beer, buddy?

 

Have Fun Storming the Asshole showed up in costume as the Asian Princess Leia.

 

Cutting Class kept offering me an Oreo by saying, “Come on, unlock the magic.”  Well, now we know his rape line.

 

Table Dancing Queen was the only one who’s OnOn shorts were shorter than his running shorts.

 

Just Melissa, who was brought by Swing Cycle, was overheard saying, “We did get hot after a while,” which is interesting if you know the story behind Swing Cycle’s naming.  Fellas, if you don’t- ask her to tell you, or better yet, show you.

 

Gaystation said that he did not feel like violating Just Kristen that night, so I decided to be the nice guy and come in to take up his slack.

 

Rear Protein Injection was so mad about having to help bring in lost hashers that the vein popped out on his forehead- only for him, that vein extends all the way back his head.

 

Just Eliza enjoys and even prefers being called a cunt.  So, you know, easy dirty-talk.

 

 

Violations from the Crowd

 

Little Red Ride Me Good was violated for opting not to hare that night- I’d say this was more something to be proud of.

 

Twinkle Twinkle Little Cock was violated for (and here I cannot read my handwriting and don’t remember what my drunk ass was thinking so I’m just going to type what I have) boner dog fight.

 

Assault My Ass apparently thought he was getting laid (once again, chicken scratch).

 

Just Ariel had the same name and hair color as the Little Mermaid, as well as the fishy smell down there.

 

And then, of course, it was time for a very special occasion…a NAMING!

 

Just Eliza is from Rockport, Massachusetts.  She goes to THE George Washington University, where she is majoring in Middle Eastern studies (good luck with that one).  She could not decide on only one favorite farm animal, so she went for an Old McDonald Threesome- the horse and donkey.  The meanest thing she ever did was (sorta) try to rape someone.  She once hooked-up with her neighbor, then high-fived him post sex.  Oh, and she goes through the GW crew team like herpes at the WH4 camping trip.

 

Names That Didn’t Suck:

 

Neighborhood 5 and Dime

Cockport

Do the Crew

Cox-In

Crew Haul

A Perfect Splooge

Blow Blow Blow Your Boat

Gordon’s Fish Dicks

Crew’d Oil

 

After much solemn deliberation, it was decided that Just Eliza would henceforth and forever more be known as Blow Blow Blow Your Boat!

 

We drank, sang, and went to a sports bar.

 

–Whiskey Business

EWH3 Scribe