EWH3 #611–Red Dress Run Pre-Pre-Lube Choose Your Own Adventure Trail: Eastern Market if you’re smart; Congress Heights if you’re a masochist
Hares: Ball-buster–Whiskey Business, Sphincter Shy, Gaystation, Low Pressure Front, Cum on Prancer; Regular–Put it Out, 6 Fags, Osama Bin Hashing, Safe Word, Just Braden
Brew Crew: Shamrock Your Cock, Cum Dumpling
Virgins: Just Mike, Dan, Tom, Dave, Sam, Mercer, and whoever was dumb enough to run their virgin hash on the ball-buster.
Visitors: Seriously, a ton. I remember Poop Weiner, Rotten Whore, Major Lying Bastard, Gritty Kitty, Takes It Up The Eh, Ear Shot (who’s really a transplant), and many more than I can keep track of.
Analversaries: 100–Low Pressure Front
Let me preface this by saying that this year, I was smart enough to not run the ball-buster trail. If you want to know about it, ask someone who was there. All I know is I heard it was long and hard, like I like my men but not my hash trails.
We met up outside the Eastern Market metro, introduced approximately 42,874 visitors and were off. Before we knew it, we saw “SN” in chalk on the sidewalk, and, among choruses of, “Wow, really? Already?” took a right turn that led up some stairs into a place EWH3 has never gone on trail before–a restaurant kitchen. Our hares had arranged for the pack to venture into Tunnicliff’s, walk through the kitchen and the bar, scare a bunch of Capitol Hill denizens, and take our tasty, delicious jello shots in the front before continuing on our merry way. The second shot came up really quickly too–sangria in pitchers in Lincoln Park. Having done two shots really quickly, we figured we’d reach beer check soon, but dammit, the hares were just teasing us. We ran down towards the Navy Yard and around Nationals Stadium, passing a few prime beer check locations along the way, before finally reaching Plan B, somewhere in Southwest.
The second half of trail was a mostly straight shot, sadly devoid of any actual straight shots. We ended up in a vacant lot on the Potomac and waited, and waited, and waited for the idiots who were getting their balls busted to roll on in.
Motormouth asked, “Do I sound black? Do my emails sound black?” You sound blacker than at least half of you looks.
Mannipple Lickter Tophered himself–he tried to shortcut by hopping a fence, and just ended up stuck in between 2 more fences.
Just Tom made Snoregasm carry his bag. And they say chivalry isn’t dead!
Six Fags injured himself on the walkers’ trail by “trying to be flamboyant.” I guess he’s going for 7 fags.
Zamboneme said, “Why can’t I find a guy who wants to fuck and then go away so I can hang out with my friends?” Girl, what hash have you been going to??
Just Chris tried to violate Just Peter for having a really big dick, so Just Chris had to drink for being jealous.
Dildo Shaggins and Brokeback Mama both had trouble swallowing, but Brokeback Mama kept going on and on about how it was too big, he choked and had to spit, and ended up with sticky stuff in his beard. But enough about his night at the gay beer, how were those jello shots?
WOWO wore jorts on trail, even though they’re out of season after Labor Day.
Motormouth ushered the pack through alleys in the ghetto, acting as EWH3’s ambassador to the black community, even though we all know he’s only black from the waist up.
Violations from the Crowd
Mannipple Lickter called Chip ‘n’ Fails gay, to which Chip ‘n’ Fails’ reply was, “Hey, if my odds are better playing for the other team…”
The Ball-buster hares tried to give everyone who ran their trail AIDS by making them get fucked in Anacostia.
And then it was time for a very regular occasion: a NAMING!
Just Dave attended college at Rochester, and law school (nooooo! stay away from the dark side!) at Ohio State (fuck it, there’s no luring him back, he’s pretty much Darth Vader) and now works for the Patent Office. He came down with Kenny-esque explosive diarrhea when he lost his virginity. Was there Mexican water in the girl’s vagina or something? Just Dave pretty much sexiled his roommate for the whole first semseter of his sophomore year of college, but now he has to resort to jacking off 6 or 7 times a day. He likes horses, Aladdin, and missionary position, and once had sex in a park. When Just Dave was a child, he got pantsed in the sandbox and was so embarrassed that he froze. While most male hashers worry about not getting laid, Just Dave was really worried about losing his guy friends when he bailed on plans one night. Isn’t that Bromantic?
Naming suggestions (that didn’t suck) were:
Cums ‘n’ Goes
Hurts She Squirts
Fuck Fuck Deuce
IBS: Inserts, Bangs, Shits
Everyone loves childhood games, so we named Just Dave Fuck Fuck Deuce.
After that, we went to the bar, sang karaoke, drank more beer, and tried to get laid.
I don’t wanna be friends,
Tits for Tots