EWH3 #617: The USMC Birthday Trail, Rosslyn Metro

 

Hares: My Little Pony, Rambutt, Bugs, Ass Ogre

 

Virgins: Were there

 

Visitors: Lick Stick

 

OnOnOn: Jenny’s Asian Fusion

 

 

Note to self: attempting to recall information from Thursday on a Sunday, having drank multiple cans of Four Loko over a period of four nights is incredibly difficult and slightly depressing.  ANYWAY…

 

The pack circled up in a parking lot by the Iowa Jima memorial.  That was cool and all, but threw a wrench in my night early on, as a war broke out in my mind as to whether or not it was OK to pee anywhere close by.  So I chose my pants instead.  Kidding…

 

The pack took off on a nice tear down to the GW parkway (or whatever road that is), and up over Memorial Bridge.  The straightaway did wonders to accommodate the varying running speeds of the EWH3 pack, expertly keeping us together.  Yay!  More sarcasm!  We then ran to the Lincoln, past numerous tour groups (little kids!) and onto the Tidal Basin where either the pack became 2,006% dumber or the hares decided that flour is a premium and did not want to lay any of it (I suspect the latter).

 

After milling around for a bit and wondering whether or not Bow Chic-a Bow Bow had gotten himself hit by a car (seriously, where’d you go?!), we finally came to the beer check by the DC-side base of Memorial Bridge.  Obviously, it was myself and my fellow lost hashers who were the dumb ones, as there were plenty of other runners milling around.  Whoops.

 

After drinking some beer and collecting a bunch of awesome violations from the pack (er…) we headed off and from there it was basically a nice little road race.  As we got closer to Hains Point there was My Little Pony prepping a shot check.  Upon closer inspection, it looked like some fruit punch, V8 concoction.  On closer inspection (i.e. it being put in my mouth) it basically tasted like Frank’s Red Hot and butt.  You’d think that, since I like both it’d be great, but mixed together?  Eh, not so good (I kid, I kid- Frank’s is gross!).

 

We finished under 395, drank beer, and did not do karate for Cum On Prancer’s sake.

 

Violations

 

Tits for Tots was violated for being from Michigan, where Four Loko was just banned.  Thanks for ruining my life.

 

Uh Oh! A Squirty Hoe was at his first hash since coming back from Yemen, which is great for the War on Terror, as there’s one less virgin for a suicide bomber’s paradise.

 

Coxxx on Demand had a super racist shirt.  Congrats on the Marine Corps Marathon, now drink.

 

The Hares were violated for thinking the flour is expensive.  It isn’t guys, so use it!

1 If By Man, 2 If By She was violated for not knowing the international hand gesture for “Suck It!”

 

Big Bang was violated for seeking relationship advice from a 23-year-old-binge-drinking-cant-hold-a-relationship-to-save-his-life-asshole: yours truly.

 

Just Autumn had a double violation- first, for having hippy parents who decided to name her Autumn.  Second, for trying to pay for the hash in dollar coins.

Just Ryan was overheard telling Mr. Mi-Gag-Me to “stop shivering, you’re getting me aroused.”  I guess you have to take it where you can get it.

 

Twinkle Twinkle Little Cock did a Century (100 mile) bike ride on his day off for Veteran’s Day instead of what normal people do: sit around hungover and watch porn.

 

Just Chris wore a shirt that said HIV negative on it, which is usually a given but when you’re him you really need to make sure people know.

 

Just Keith took 5 bites to eat 1 potato chip- Ladies, be advised, he takes his time when it comes to eating things.

 

Compost Pile, our resident snuggle-bunny/panda, picked up the speed hardcore when he was around the kiddy tour groups.

 

I Manual Cunt showed his true Mexican roots when he was jumping over fences around the mall.

 

Violations from the Crowd

 

Everyone who went to Kandy Panties’ wedding- suck it!

 

SWAB and Just Matt’s racism missed my eye.

 

Uh Oh! A Squirty Hoe is apparently a one-pump-chump.

 

The Gay Robots (Just Peter/Just Chris) were heard talking about cardio dancing.

 

Cock Your Suck I Will walked.  Enough said.

 

Twinkle Twinkle Little Cock was too busy breaking all the rulez (wearing a leather jacket)!

 

I Manual Cunt came too late for the Halloween Hash, as he was dressed like an hourglass.

 

…and then it was time for a weekly, er, I mean special occasion: a naming!

 

The Gay Robots, or Just Peter and Just Chris, were brought into the circle for a dual naming.  Nothing I can write will do this naming justice, as it was one of the funnier things I have witnessed at the hash.  Just imagine two young men with an abundance of ignorant stories between them, talking like robots.  For a long time.  There was poop in pants, eHarmony, gay music, etc etc, but most of the names centered around robots and gay things.

Some Names….

 

Siegfried and Roy

Tweedle Pee and Tweedle Cum

Fred Ass-stare and Pop-her-azzi

Captain Cock and Splooge

Homo Arigato and Mr. Robutto

 

Well, when that last one was said, it was pretty much done for.  So now, throughout the world of hashing (except Great Falls, F* them!), Just Peter and Just Chris will be known as Homo Arigato and Mr. Robutto.  Ladies, fight amongst yourselves for who got which.

 

We sang, we drank, we took shots with the waitresses at Jenny’s.

 

You guys make me giggle,

Whiskey Business

EWH3 Scribe