EWH3 #620

EWH3 #620: Find the Four Loko!, Bethesda Metro


Hares: I Manual Cunt, Swing Cycle, Unobtanium, Someone Else (Karate!)


Virgins: Just Sam, Don, Victoria, Chris, and Lauren


Visitors: Negative


OnOnOn: Union Jack’s



A little over a year ago on a chilly October night, I was sitting in the Haunted Mansion debating what type of degenerative porn to look at.  I heard a knock on my door and, penis not in hand, told whoever it was to enter.  In came Poop Deville, grasping a giant bag from 7-11.


“[Nerd name], check these out” he said, as he pulled out a 24 ounce red, camofloge can.  “It has energy in it!”


“OMG,” I replied, grasping that beautiful can, “OMG for realsies.”  Note: this is how we really talk.


Yes, that day I drank my first Four Loko.  I personally like to think of it as the day I hopped onto a beautiful, highly caffeinated terrible/awesome/pukey black-out magic carpet ride from AwesomeTown.


And now, here we are, hashing AND commemorating that beautiful beverage.  RIP Four Loko.  RIP.


The trail circled up at Barnes and Noble in order to highlight the general illiteracy of our hash.  People were supposed to come dressed up as Four Loko, but I think everyone just came ready to DRINK Four Loko, which I am cool with.  We started off on trail, running here and there searching for hidden cans of Four Loko.  Now, I usually complain that running trail at Wednesday is like following a raging alcoholic with no spatial sense or foresight, but this time there was an excuse: Four Loko.  So hares, just say you were drunk, please.


We found Wa-Mel Loko in an alley.  The trail came to beer check at “that school,” where we immediately began to realize how cold it was.  We then ran out to a drainage ditch/tunnel fest.  Wankers did not want to get their feet wet and the general mood was that of discontent, until Monday Sticky Monday brought us back to reality, firmly stating “It’s a Hash.  Get over it.”  And into the tunnel we went, happily running along until we realized that the hares had basically took as out and back to the beer check.  Kudos.


After a nice 5k we stopped in one of Bethesda’s many illustrious parking garages.  Yay!




Pee On Your Colada went home for Thanksgiving and had some morning fun on Turkey Day.  Unfortunately her victim left some “gravy” behind her ear, which her dog found and licked off.


Normally I’m cool with Four Loko on trail, but now that it’s banned, the idea of hiding precious QuatroCrazy with the possibility that it may not be found is deeply disturbing, so the hares were brought in.


Monday Sticky Monday was claiming that he couldn’t go out that weekend because he was building a shed.  After a few months of marriage, we all know that just meant he was building his own masturbation palace. 


On second thought, it was probably Underground Railroad’s masturbation palace.


Just Brad wanted to shotgun a Four Loko last weekend but didn’t want his girlfriend, Ms. Mi-Gag-Me to know about it.  Unfortunately he’s 1/30th Asian and was instantly in hives after doing so.


In standard form, 6 Pigs in a Blanket was complaining about pricks hitting her in the face on trail.   I think she was running next to R.O.B.


Return to Ender was overheard saying “Don’t worry, it’s not that deep and I’m not even wet.”  Once again, running next to R.O.B.


The Hares were violated because you know you’ve messed up when Bad Dog is an FRB at some point.


Cum On Prancer was brought into the circle for organizing a beer half-marathon that consisted of mostly guys, Four Loko, Christmas songs, and a hot tub- basically a perfect recipe for Cock Soup.  Then the circle started chanting Cock Soup.  So, tired of his former name, Cum On Prancer immediately jumped into circle, tore off his shirt, and henceforth and throughout the world of hashing (except Great Falls, f*ck them!), Cum On Prancer will be known as Cock Soup.


Cock Soup Cock Soup Cock Soup Cock Soup Cock Soup Cock Soup Cock Soup Cock Soup Cock Soup Cock Soup Cock Soup Cock Soup Cock Soup Cock Soup Cock Soup Cock Soup Cock Soup Cock Soup Cock Soup Cock Soup Cock Soup Cock Soup Cock Soup Cock Soup Cock Soup Cock Soup Cock Soup Cock Soup Cock Soup Cock Soup Cock Soup Cock Soup Cock Soup!


Violations From Crowd


Just Brad is the worst brother because his sister, who he brought, is barely 21 and already her knees are blown out.


Pee On Your Coloda had a twenty-something birthday and celebrating like she was 19: puking in a toilet.


Floral Sex “can’t stand it when it’s long, so everyone else have at it.”



And then we had a naming.  Just Brad is from Bethesda and was educated at the prestigious George Washington University.  Hm, thinking of the hashers who have come out of that institution, you’d think they’re training us to be assholes.  He does some sort of scientific research that allows him to be aggressively hung over on Fridays.  He likes Mulan.  The last time he shit his pants was his freshman year in high school, when he was running and was one block from home and let it go in a park decorated as Candy Cane Forest (or something like that).  He once slapped his sister and then tried to pee on her after she saved him from police in the Dominican Republic (note: he would not tell us why he was shirtless and almost arrested).  He has pooped in or around his girlfriend.  I think.





Two Holes and Counting

Hawaii Guy Blow

Opportunity Cocks


Hometown Zero

Santa’s Little Pooper

Poops & Ladders

Saved By the Smell

Yule Log


And we went with Yule Log.  Hooray!


Always On Time

-Whiskey Business