EWH3 #621: Woodley Park/Zoo/Adams Morgan
Hares: Rear Protein Injection, Miss Me Gag Me, Yule Log, 1 if by Man, 2 if by She
Virgins: Just Amy, Brendan, Julia, Cecilia, Saul.
Visitors: None were stupid enough to come out in the cold.
Analversaries: 1690–Tits for Tots; 200–Pint of Guinness Stout
OnOnOn: The Blaguard
Welcome to my last hash trash ever! This is the part where I would write about trail, but, unfortunately, I was too sick to run, so SUCK IT.
Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Cock has reached new heights of gayness: his phone’s autocorrect replaces certain words with “Gaga.”
3-2-1 F*ck-Off just got out of the hospital, and I know he’s been hard up, but almost dying in order to get a sympathy f*ck may just be a bridge too far.
Whiskey Business and Hungry Hungry Homo didn’t feel safe running through the terrifying environs of Adams Morgan with a group of 50 people, so they both wore extremely bright neon yellow jackets. Srsly, I needed sunglasses just to look at these things.
Put It Out apparently thought the on-on-on was a Japanese gay bar, judging by his Hello Kitty headlamp.
Wreath Around masturbated so hard, he broke his arm doing it.
Chip ‘n’ Fails said, “I feel like a f*cked vagina, and not in a good way.” How is that ever not good?
Snatch Shot ruined the cock soup.
Slumcock Anywhere used walkers’ trail to run his errands.
Chip ‘n’ Fails was using his cell phone during beer check, to set up a disappointment call for later.
Big Bang, despite being a physicist, forgot that you can’t actually vomit out of a closed screen window.
Violations from the Crowd
Y’all, it was way too cold to write any of them down.
And then it was time for a very regular occasion: a NAMING!
Just Laurie is our incumming OreHo. She studied chemistry at University of Colorado-Boulder, whose mascot is the buffalo, and was very proud to inform us that she graduated with honors. Just Laurie also used to be a chef, so put that together with her major, and she could probably make meth. Once, she was at the beach with a dude, and was so enthusiastic about getting it on with him that she stripped all her clothes off on her way back to the car and left them on the beach, then left sandy footprints on the car window. Just Laurie would like to have children someday. She loses things a lot, and she’s kind of a nerd. By kind of, I mean really: At this point, she almost got into an intense Star Wars vs. Star Trek debate with some other wankers, and I threatened to stop writing and leave for the on-on-on, because it was cold, and dude. Just. NO.
Naming suggestions (that didn’t suck) were:
Bun in the Oven
Cum in the Oven
America’s Twat Chef
From Here to Maternity
Jabba the Cunt
Everyone loves Star Wars, even me, so we named Just Laurie Jabba the Cunt.
After that, we went to the bar, drank more beer, and tried to get laid or lose our voices in the attempt.
That’s the news, and I am outta here,
Tits for Tots
EWH3 Scribe Emeritus