EWH3 #634

EWH3 #634: The Chinese New Years’ Eve Trail, Clarendon Metro


Hares:   Dildo Shaggins, Fuxedo, Everything Butt… and The Pimp of Sarajevo


Virgins:            Just Rachael, Paul, Able, Richard


Visitor: The Alamo, Over the Hump Hash


OnOnOn:             Hunan Number One!



The pack began to congregate right outside of the Clarendon Metro.  It’s the year of the rabbit, and just as usual, everyone was out looking for some tail.  Zing!


We circled up late after our GM Twinkle Twinkle Little Cock failed yet again  to get things moving on time (how dare he!) and were soon off into the terrifying depths of white, rich suburbia.  The pack ran into the back neighborhoods, looking to really rouse up some nervous fear amongst the proper families sitting down for a nice dinner, and after much looping and whatnot, circled behind the old ruins of the Royal Lee (tear) and up into the beautiful, sprawling backyard of yet another fancy Clarendon house (read: awkward dirt pit of despair behind yours’ truly’s brick box of a home).  After some beer and some Loko, we were off again, back into Clarendon, this time running through the Barnes&Noble/PotteryBarn/AppleStore Yuppie Haven, and into the parking garage for a nice, pleasantly warm circle, where there were plenty of…




When the Hares came to scout and stopped at my house they claimed that they didn’t really know when Chinese New Year is, making them the worst Asian-and-two-white-girls-pretending-to-be-Asians ever!


The Pack was warned that by milling around in Whiskey Business’ and Pee Wee’s Little Adventure’s backyard, that they were all at risk for chlamydia.


Twinkle Twinkle Little Cock biked 600+ miles in a bet to prove he had the bigger penis but forgot that in the process of doing so he would lose his balls.


PutItOut allowed the lighting to go out at the WH4 Holiday Party, not realizing that some of us would take that seriously and actually black out.


Manipple Lichter brought new shoes to the hash.  Duh.


Just Aaron thought that bringing a girl to the hash so that she’d say “Just Aaron made me cum” would help dispel certain, er, “rumors.”  Sorry buddy!


SnatchShot watered Plan B.


Big Bang was overheard saying “Well, it certainly looks like I’m going down.”  Poor, SnatchShot snatch!


Red Vag of Courage dropped her bag in Bolohead Rat’s urine.


Double Ohh Positive has a duck call app on his iPhone.  If you’re that much of a redneck, how do you have an iPhone?


Just Lisa had glitter all over her outfit, so it was like following Disco Barbie. 


Dungeons and Drag Queens was brought into the circle so that Just Lisa could see just who was following her.


Chippen Failz showed up in a nice car, but since everyone’s already seen his penis, driving a car loudly was not going to convince the ladies that he’s well-endowed.


Chippen Failz showed up sick, giving girls a polite reason to run away from him.



Violations from the Crowd


JAG Queen came out looking quite flamboyant.  Sweet tights!


Dial F for Faggot did something that in my handwriting looks like “bag of boosing college student.”  Not sure, but yay!


CockSoup fit into Dildo Shaggins’ jeans.


Underground Railroad was for some unknown, crazy reason, jealous of Chippen Failz.


Dungeons and Drag Queens had too much safety on trail.



And then, of course, we did that little thing called a naming!


Just Aaron was born and raised in Salt Lake City.  He went to Brigham Young University, and guess what, WAS a Mormon!  Keyword is was, because if you know Aaron, you know he’s always surrounded by a gaggle of harriettes and taking photos with them.  He only has one mom (shocking!), he’s into accounting (boring!), he works in Marriot Hotels (accommodating!), he loves Metallica (over-compensating!), lost his virginity at 26 (titillating!), and has had sex to the movie High Fidelity (John Cusack-ing!).  But seriously, all we really focused on was the Mormon thing.  So….


MorMAN for Me

Missionary Impossible

Latter Day Stains

Big Love


What a short, sweet naming!  Because henceforth and throughout the world of hashing, Just Aaron will be known as Latter Day Stains.


We sang, we drank, we celebrating the New Year of a much more ancient and richer culture than ours.


Has ANYONE ever had a bad time at Hunan Number One?

Whiskey Business

EWH3 Scribe