Hash Trash: EWH3 #709: The Urban Cowboy’s Runnin’ from the Lawman trail

Where: Crystal City Metro/Crystal City Water Park (Yellow/Blue Lines)

When: 6:45 PM, Thursday, April 26, 2012. Pack away at 7:15ish or whenever the GM damn well pleases.

Hares: Red Vag of Courage, Gaystation, Six Fags, and London Bitches

On on on: Tortoise and the Hare  (except actually Freddie’s!!!)

We circled up in a rather lovely park, directly across from the pre-lube station.  Plan B was a ways away (and somewhat confused with another kidnapper-style white van).  I didn’t go over, but I hear that she was remarkably less stuffed than usual – good job wankers!  Oh, and we had a freakishly small crowd (apparently the 5-0 scared off last week’s plethora o’ virgins)

Speaking of virgins – we welcomed Just John, another John, Meredith, Lang, Phoebe and Drew.

Our visitor was Blow in Place from Okinawa

Trail was long, hilly and suburban.  Therefore, shitty.  There was one frosty cool drink check, in the woods (which, btw was preceded by a playground – the children on which asked us if we were running a marathon.  Naturally I said yes, because it’s best to lie to children).  And wouldn’t you know it, but the cops found us there too!  They were super nice though and did not follow us into the woods – we made nice and all was well.  Except for the POISON IVY.  Don’t we have some botany or woodsy types in our midst?  Show yourself!  (no, no – put your pants back on, that’s not what I meant).

After the one crisp and tasty beverage check,  trail continued – some back checks, lots of hills, but over all – no one got lost, so we made it!

Closing circle was in a parking lot we’ve used a number of times, under and near some railroad tracks – well and good off the beaten path!  We harassed the hares, toasted the virgins, and heard a long and funny joke from our visitor.  Something about anal rape and the enemy.  Jubilee gave out some glorious prizes to the people who need to get a life because clearly they hash too much, and then there were


  • Twinkle – after ALL THESE YEARS – wore a r*cist shirt.  Need I say more?
  • Just Austin from Austin was still wearing all the damn flair – yes, he likes to be violated.
  • Just Rob was wearing the most stunning mullet toupee I’ve ever seen – he was violated, but I like to think of it as more of a prize.
  • Bad Dog was FRB this evening and the first to stumble upon and attract the cops AGAIN.  Someone get that man a mask.  Or a ball-gag.  Or both.
  • Just Diana was violated for refusing to give us a performance – she does porn, and that is appropriate hash behavior.  We just want to see it, is all.
  • Uno Dos Tres was violated for Bobbitting DADS after she came back from the Red Tent weekend – apparently she likes no-dick now.  DADS was violated for allowing that to happen.
  • Haystack was violated for passing out at a strip club.  It may not have happened on trail – but SERIOUSLY.  Violation.
  • PIO decided to bikeshare trail – and apparently also did the same at WH4 earlier in the week.
  • DADS was violated for attempting to give Mellow Foreskin the worst blow job ever – so bad, in fact, that Mellow didn’t even notice it was happening!
  • Finally, Turkey Timer was violated for exposing her nephew  (Just Drew) to the hash.  In fairness, my uncle did the same – so, again – really more of a prize!!

At that point we turned to violations from the crowd, proceeded to drink ALL THE DELIGHTFUL SODAS and finally managed to get to the wonderful, magical ….


Just Will was named this evening, and well deserved as I’m told he’s hared a number of times –

The naming took a while, as Just Will apparently only had one good trip in his life, during which he borrowed a condom from Se[a]men for a lady boy while shitting his pants.  Or something like that.  Nominations were Mississippi Burning, Anger Twat, Secrete Cervix, Deep Thoughts by Deck Handy, Khamir Spooge, Dirty Sanchez, Dishonorable Discharge and Tuck Tuck Squid – HOWEVER – for now and always, Just Will shall be known as TUCK TUCK DEUCE – as he was so lovingly named by Twinkle, on his eleventy billionth try at naming!

On-I have  poison faaacking ivy-on,

Colliteral Damage

EWH3 Scribe