Hash Trash: EWH3 #715: The Crystal Sh*tty ZombieTrail of 2012 (AKA the Gay-Robot Death March 2.0)

Where: Crystal City Metro (Yellow/Blue Line)

When: 6:45 PM, Thursday, June 7th, 2012. Pack away at 7:15ish-ish-ish

Hares: Homo Arigato, Mr. Rubutt-o, SWAB, Blow White, Turdette Syndrome, Whiskey Business, Just Julia, and … others.  There were somewhere around 20 of them.

On on on: Tortoise and the Hare – ha, just kidding!  It was really Freddies!!

We circled up in a rather lovely park, one which Tragic refers to as “the marriage park.”  Does anyone else wonder about the brain patterns on that kid?  (heart!!)

Virgins, virgins EVERYWHERE! – we welcomed Just Kevin, Colleen, Maria, Jane, Eddie, Teddy, Daniellse, Matt, John, Patima, Erin, Edward, and Albert

Our visitor is really a transplant, named Caca Sutra.

Trail was long, windy, hilly, with 9 checks of thumbnail sized beverages.  Which some of us missed because we TOTALLY CAUGHT THE HARES.  And they were not happy about it.  But, running on hare can be fun, and frankly after three of the thumbnail sized beverages, this Scribe was ready to just run it in to BN.  The second half of trail was just a big ho-ax.  Straight out and back.  Fun for brew crew though – of which I approve.  Oh and also the bladder o’ beverage someone held for us on the way back in.  The hash that sucks the same teet, gets the same disease!  Oh.  Wait.  That’s bad, right?

Closing circle was, as mentioned (pay attention wankers) in the same spot as BC.  We harassed (ICED!) the hares, toasted the virgins, all under the watchful eye of our RA Twinkle.  Jubilee gave out some glorious prizes to the people who need to get a life because clearly they hash too much, and then there were


  • Cock Soup was violated for running so fast that he needs suspenders to keep his jorts on (no seriously.  that guy kicks ass).
  • Shamrock (hash mommy!) and 2 Fuck Me and Beyond were violating for bringing a car b*mb (that’s for the fed creepers) to trail – also known as their dogs Guiness and Bailey’s Irish Cream
  • Panda and Possession of Swollen Goods were violated for drinking piss out of a cup they took from the garbage.  Possibly because Uno and DADS had PSG’s vessel!
  • Honey Nut Queerios was violated for complaining about his old-man knees.  Guess he gave too many blow jobs –
  • SPEAKING OF BLOW JOBS – Blow White was violated for blowing her boyfriend (Just Sky??) right before circle.  Next to circle.  Behind a dumpster.  (Everyone go back and read 5/10 – related!!)
  • SWAB drew a tit check at his thumbnail-drink check, and STILL couldn’t get flashed.  By all reports it didn’t look anything like a tit however, which may be both the source and result of his problem.
  • Uno and DADS were both violated for agreeing to marry another hasher – each other, to be precise.
  • Bad Dog was so late to BC, it was already end circle
  • I’m Gonna Geek You Sucker was violated for naming his thighs (and I’m quoting) “The Thighs of Justice”
  • There were a TON of new shoes violations – including Honey Nut Queerios, Just Amber, Sex Cries and Video Tape, Connect Whore, Magnum Begone, and Just Maria.  One of the Justs was cranky about it.  But I don’t remember which one.  Next time, just drink your beer.

At that point we turned to violations from the crowd, proceeded to drink ALL THE DELIGHTFUL SODAS and finally managed to get to the glorious….


Just Marc was named this fine evening.  Just Marc likes Asian girls, eating during sex and giving it in the ass.   He ate a shitty dumpling.  Seriously.  Also loves his closet so much that he hands out surveys about it.  He had some great options – Shitty Shitty Dumpling, Poo Poo Platter, Sweet and Sour Poke, and Pad Guy – HOWEVER – for now and always, Just Marc shall be known as HELLO SHITTY (although, there is some debate about how to pronounce it) – and is now my hash-bro, as he was named by Shamrock.

On-I love Freddies-on,

Colliteral Damage

EWH3 Scribe