Where: Smithsonian Metro
When: March 21, 2013
Hares: Mursey F*ck, Wookin Pa Nub, One Hitter Quitter, Survival of the Spittest and Pulp Friction
It was beyond cold and there were no cherry blossoms in sight but a few brave hashers sporting their pink pride showed up to run and walk the heck out of this trail. A trio of virgins Just Patrick, Just Matt, and Just Robert came out. These boys must be from Alaska to start their hashing careers on such a freezing night! We watched a glorious sunset on the mall while we sang a song about Joe through chattering teeth and were off.
Humpty, Humpty Homo and Tumble Cry were our beverage captains for the night – thanks guys! Daisy Chain led a short and sweet circle that included violations:
- Planet of the Rapes and Pulp Friction wore racist attire to trail. They both know better but since the runs involved glow in the dark fun and underwear we almost forgive them!
- Mursey F*ck insisted on wearing his green St. Paddy’s Day sequin headband to trail. We know you just can’t let go of your favorite drinking holiday. It is okay man – you can take off your headband now.
- On trail Roof Rack shared that she is just so uncomfortable with the string. Trust me tampons are not that complicated!
- S&Mom was violated for tea-bagging that resulted in a damp headlamp. I’m just going to leave that one alone.
- Kindergarten Cock was invited into the circle for a very special violation for Hells Anal. Hells Anal blushes, giggles and pretty much turns bright pink when ladies grab their cherry blossoms in front of her. The Harrietts in circle were very all too happy to oblige.
- On trail Honeynut Queerios shared that he owns a device called Little John that allows him to urinate in his car on the way to work. Now we know who buys stuff from TV at 3:00 am in the morning. (We bet you have a Sham Wow and a super-sized snuggie at home too!)
- Refusing to apologize for the weather (wait isn’t it Daisy Chain’s fault) Don’t Ask Don’t Smell told everyone that it was warm in his *ss! (Was that an invitation?)
- Just Molly brought her own pig to hash (a snazzy pig hat) instead of finding a (male) pig at the hash.
- Blows a Tranny and Mr.hEd were late to trail because Tranny wanted to have sex first (acceptable hash behavior).
- Tragic Carpet Ride (we almost made it an entire hash without a Tragic violation) was violated for farting to keep the ladies warm (there are better ways to keep the ladies warm – so many better ways).
- One Hitter Quitter was violated for Wine Bukaki (all over his face).
To finish up the speed circle round we had (all together now kids) a naming! Just Lamar is from Florida, has a Ph.D., works in nanotechnology, and lost his virginity at 18. His worst BJ story involved a crying lady and he is into nude water polo. Once his college roommate walked in on him when he was busy tuning his fork (if you know what I mean). The campus police once pulled him over on his bike to see if he had stolen it (profiling?). We had some good naming options: Racial Pedal-philing, Slob-n-Sob, Tears for Queers and Blow Woman No Cry. However, we got a late entry from Dildo Shaggins so henceforth throughout the world of hashing (except those guys – F them!) Just Lamar will be known as Facial Profiling.
Everyone was happy as we skipped all the way to Remington’s for more beverages, awesome karaoke (Tragic charmed the pants off of the karaoke guy), extra olives, feats of strength and more.
Glitty Clitty Gang Bang