EWH3# 798: The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Hash (Bringing Mutant Back) Trail!
When: 6:45 PM Thursday November 21, 2013. Pack away at 7:15!
Where: Bethesda Metro (Red Line). Follow marks to the start!
Hares: PlanetOfTheRapes, PutItOut, TuckTuckDeuce, JustAndrew and Miss Me Gag Me
Miscellaneous Crap: Live A to A’ trail through the hills and dales of wild Bethesda MD.
Weather: A tid nipply
On On On: Union Jack
The masses began slowly gathering around the same Bat Time in the same Bat Place… wait, wrong comic. Above the sewers of Bethesda, various green and wannabe green mutants and radioactive waste rejects assembled for a sad, yet entertaining evening of vigilante shenanigans. The cold ensured Plan-B’s cupeth overfloweth with hasher junk as Hungry, Hungry Homo warmed up the crowd and introduced the virgin sacrifices of the evening: Justs – Ian, Karen, Davis, Jamie, Awais, Mike, Amber, Natasha, Will, Jaclyn, Michelle, Rachel, and Ashley. After a brief moment of excitement when Cum Dumpling thought he heard shots fired and selflessly threw himself (along with half a dozen other hashers) upon Hungry, we welcomed the visitors: Puking Cougar and Forget Me Not and a transplant: Anal Blouse. Then Miss Me Gag Me, championing the rights of female ninja turtles everywhere, led the pack in a song and dance about pushing buttons in a sewer. Then the pack got off…er, took off.
The mutant hares led the pack all around the dangerous city streets of Bethesda, ultimately re-joining the group with Plan-B in the parking lot of what appeared to be an elementary school, but was later revealed to be a community center. After a few refreshments and several failed attempts at Kung Foo Fisting, the pack was off again. In the end, the heroic mutant hares shared their favorite turtle food (pizza!) with the rest of the pack only to be slightly outdone by the Ore-ho who showered the pack with mountains of Girl Scout cookies on the food table.
Hell’s Anal debuted as the stunt RA for the evening and circled up the PACK. She started off by violating the hares PlanetOfTheRapes, PutItOut, TuckTuckDeuce, JustAndrew and Miss Me Gag Me for being the only mutant ninja turtle hares to lay a trail without a single jog through a sewer. She then reintroduced the virgins and the visitors. The Jubilee, Bless Me Father for I Have Rimmed had a few things surprises for the people that cum to hash way too much, particularly Roll Over, Bitch who celebrated his 300th run. Jew with a dragon tattoo, Batter Up, Wiener Shitzel, U Ass Ass Ow, Fail Her Poon, and Muppet Rapies received their necklaces for Cuming 17 times. Wankers!!!
Then it was time for Violations!!!
–Eat Your Vegetables and another guy wearing the exact same neon orange shoes, were violated for just that.
–4 Whores and 7 Rears Ago and Cum Dumpling were flogged for wearing racist paraphernalia.
–Rape and Spillage noticed he was being an asshole to traffic and “didn’t know why”.
–Dildo Shaggins was caught wearing socks as mittens, mittens as panties, and condoms for socks (foot fetish maybe??).
– Glitty Clitty Gang Bang, possibly for the first time EVER, found herself at a loss of what to do with a group of young, impressionable virgins.
–Pinnochi-Ho was caught trying to lead the pack in the wrong direction, out of spite for the fact that there was never a Ginger Ninja Turtle.
–Just Chelsea showed dedication to the hash, by not only solving a very special check on trail, but showering the FRBs with dollar bills as she did it. It was politely pointed out the she apparently had no idea how the male species worked.
–Just Will was overheard saying creepy things to another female hasher, whilst attempting to cut his own cargo pants off, to reveal his new Kanye West brand leather jogging pants underneath.
–Forget Me Not was attempting to throw his best line down to some young female hashers on trail, only to actually throw himself down on the pavement instead.
– Just Ian betrayed his diet and Father Atkins by raping an entire table of Girl Scout… Cookies at end circle.
– Not So Gay decided that it was a good idea to lather himself in coconut oil and hit the tanning beds right before the hash.
– Rape and Spillage realized he had encountered a potential victim (Infidellatio) who could actually outrun him.
– Planet of the Rapes laid down potentially the best pickup line at the hash, soliciting fellatio from a female hasher, in the guise of a snake bite to the penis. Ultimately he confessed to a failed attempt at getting busy with a bitey reptile.
Hell’s Anal then led the auspicious naming of Just Allen, who is now known as Pee Willy, and then proceeded to make sure that everyone was in fact, happy. The pack then proceeded to Union Jack for a fairly impressive Turtle Power Hour.
On- Cowabunga!!! –On
EWH3 Stunt Scribe