EWH3 #835: The 6th Annual Jorts Association of Arlington Trail!

 

When: Thursday June 19, 2014

Where: Pentagon City Metro (Blue/Yellow Line)

Hares: Whiskey Business, Just Julia, Just Holly, P.E. Cummings, Just Jon, AND THE WHOLE GANG!

Miscellaneous Crap: So much chafing. And ass. So. Much. Ass.

Weather: Humid, like swimming in the air.

 On on on: Freddie’s Beach Bar! What we thought we looked like:

What we actually looked like:

 

Virgins: We had some. Too bad none of them made it home alive….

 

Visitors: We had some. Too bad none of them made it home alive….

 

Now for the real reason you’re here….

Violations!!!!!!!!!!!


Right in the middle of trail, Vaginal Countdown flopped down, on her back, spread her legs and exclaimed “man down!” Worth noting: that is not an exclamation but a command.

 

 

Virgin Queen was spotted on trail wearing a pair of jorts I lent him over two years ago. When I said I wanted him in my pants that is not what I meant.


Little Thunder Clap has been stress eating a lot lately. Apparently when he stepped on his scale last night it just said “over.” There go those free drinks at Freddie’s…

(LTC at McDonald’s after trail)

R,O,B! decided not to wear jorts to trail. Apparently he didn’t want to get his good clothes dirty.

(R,O,B! at Freddie’s after trail)

Twinkle Twinkle Little Cock was violated for exclaiming (while running by Costco) that his package is “economy size.” Save it for Freddie’s!

(Twinkle at Freddie’s after trail)


In The Gravy lived up to his hash name when he sharted on trail. And then proceeded to get spit on in circle during “Old McHasher.” Dude…


A violation/commendation for Just Tom: while I was waiting for beer, I heard him exclaim, “oh my god, that’s the second person that has squirted on me tonight!” Now that’s a good night!

 

Pubris was seen shaking her vagina to quote “air it out.” Uh….


Twinkle was bragging on Facebook about the fact that he ate Jamaican beef patties Wednesday night. Does 1 if by man 2 if by she know that you’re cheating on her with motor mouth?




And then we had an extra solemn occasion… a DOUBLE naming!

Just Julia and Just Holly are work wives; both are DCPS teachers, have exceptionally boring virginity stories, and have relatively useless Bachelor’s degrees. Just Holly hails from Altuna, Pennslyvania (ALLLLLL TUNA, ALLLLL THE TIME), loves granny panties, sharting over the phone during conference calls, and once slashed someone’s tires as a “dare” . Just Julia is from Raleigh, NC, almost got shanked by an octogenarian in a bar for drinking while “pregnant,” and once got invited to breakfast by a boy’s mom, mid-blowsie. Some names were thrown out– Granny Slammies and Munch and Brunch, Down Down and Tuna Town– but what really sealed the deal was when Just Julia admitted that she peed in front of her entire class in France and kept on teaching. I’m not up on my standards, but that’s gotta be the definition of exceptional teaching (emphasis on the exceptional part). A name, a holy name was thrown out: Tweedle Pee and Tweedle Cum, and the crowd went wild. Just Julia peed her pants, Just Holly sharted, they both had to don new jorts, and hence forth and forevermore….

We came. We jortsed. We spent three hours in McDonald’s playing “prostitute or homeless person?”

On-Pink Flamingos are the new Pink Elephants-on,

Mr. hEd