When: 6:45 PM Thursday September 4, 2014.
Where: Foggy Bottom Metro.
Hares: Twinkle Twinkle Little Cock, Dial F, The Gourd the Bad and the Slutty, Whiskey Bizness and 1 if by Man 2 if by She, Tweedle Cum
Miscellaneous: Lots of Twinkle juice, which causes both bad decisions and massive diarrhea. Uh, or so I’m told.
On On On: Rhino Bar
Virgins: Just Jen, Just Wes, Just Adam, Just Patrick, Just Beth, Just Allison, Just Victoria, Just Aubyn, Just James
Visitors: Noxzema Is Bad (homeless), Overdue Goo (Agana H3, Guam)
And, what you’ve all been waiting for… VIOLATIONS!!!
Upon entering one of the multiple shot check locations on trail, Muppet Rapies exclaimed, “I don’t want to go in the frat house. I spent most of my undergrad in frat houses.” Yikes.
Aunt Vagina’s Maple Syrup posted a photo of her pre-pubescent self where she is blowing on a banana pretending to be a “snake charmer.” It’s good to know that times haven’t changed.
(Aunt Vagina, I think you should relay some of your banana blowing snake charming skillz to Harry. That looks rough.)
Speaking of bad Harry Potter jokes, All Flash No Drive decided to do her best Dobby impression and wore only a pillowcase to trail. So naturally I threw a dirty sock at her.
Twinkle Twinkle Little Cock was violated for leaving Thor off of the hare list. Just because Thor is a woman now doesn’t mean we don’t count!
Just Beth was violated for running into a homeless man, bowling him over, and shattering his only possession. Congrats you’re a horrible person.
Cum Dumpling was violated for looking at my outfit and exclaiming, “that’s racist! Oh man, glad there’s not a black person around.” It’s the hash. There’s almost never black people around.
While on trail, I kept trying to get Magic Johnson’s attention by calling his name. After a while, I gave up and instead shouted, “hey fat kid!” To which he responded, “Oh hey!” And then did this:
Dial F for Faggot was violated for saying that, compared to dicks, “vagina just doesn’t roll off my tongue the same way.”
Lastly, Just Rachel was violated for standing right in front of the Gandhi statue, looking at it, and saying, “who’s Gandhi?”
And then we had an unprecedented event: BACK TO BACK NAMINGS! First off, we had Just Lisa. Just Lisa works at NIH in neuro-imaging, went to Princeton, and loves to run away during sex. She has a history of turning men gay, masturbating in elevators, and giving terrible blow jobs to tiny Asian men. Her most noteworthy story was her most embarrassing: she once had a man pretend to be a sloth and “rape” her. “Rape” is in quotations because I’m almost positive sloths cannot rape anything, they move too slow (you’d definitely see him comin’!). Some names were suggested, the best of which were Slow Poke, Slothy Seconds, and Slow Means Slow. The hash voted (and boy was it close!) but we settled on Slothy Seconds!
Secondly, we had Just Michelle. Just Michelle works for the post office, reads vampire softcore porn novels, and loves puzzles. The meanest thing she’s ever done to someone was when she unknowingly slept with a friend’s husband for a whole year without realizing it. Michelle was a wellspring of sexual fantasy: she’s been in a poly relationship with two men (DP CENTRAL), has dated a woman (FISTING CENTRAL), and has engaged in multiple orgies, the largest of which contained 16 people! After we all got over the shock of her incredible sex life, some names were thrown out: Return to Senders Wife, Interview with a Stamp-ire, and The Porny Express. The hash voted, and henceforth and forevermore, Just Michelle will be known as Return to Senders Wife!
On- gang bangs and fang wangs- on,