EWH3 #873: The Hipster Beard Trail
February 19, 2015. 7:00 pm.
Location. noun
1: Woodley Park
Hares. noun (plural)
1: The wankers responsible for this atrocity. 2: Tuck Tuck Deuce, Mursey Fuck
Virgin. noun:
1: A man with awful friends. 2: Just Adam
Titty-Fucking Freezing. adjective:
1: The meteorological classification of this week’s weather. 2: The coldest EWH3 on record.*
On-After. noun:
1: The site of free shots from sympathetic barmaids. 2: Atomic Billiards
Summary. noun:
1: A brief statement of the most important facts for your pathetically short attention spans.
2: Did I mention it was unbelievably, fucking cold?
You know how every Thursday it’s like really, really cold, but then it somehow manages to get worse the next week? Yeah, me neither. Trail was short uphill climb to Cleveland Park where RPI swiftly conducted circle. Before I lost all feeling in my fingers, I wrote down some shit. Vi*o*la*tions!
- Vibrator. Nurse Penis Fly Trap’s remedy for my sinus infection. I don’t know if it worked, but oh, god, my face came so hard.
- Three-way. The brag from RPI that this evening marked the first time he’d made two women come at once. All Flash No Drive and Geriatric Mandering may have come, but it was remarkably short and generally unsatisfying.
- Couple-check. The unusual trail marking of initials inside a heart in front of S&MOM and Glitty Clitty Bang Bang’s abode. We didn’t exactly know what that meant, but we assumed it invited us to watch them have sex. We were disappointed.
- Flour. A powdery substance conspicuously absent from the hare’s trail, and
- Hipster Beards. The frosty facial hair sported by each hare and most of Brooklyn. If you find their beards unkempt, you should see their pubes.
There was no naming because it probably would have killed someone. We thawed out at Atomic Billiards, where our lovely barmaid awarded our tenacity stupidity with free shots!
On- Pole Dancer vortex- On
–Red, White, and Poo
*Yes, OK grandpa hash. Nobody wants to hear about your “but what about that one time in such and such place when it was zero degrees Kelvin?” This was the coldest EWH3 since we started recording temperatures. Simple, factual statement. If it makes you feel better, I’m sure you’re still stronger, tougher, and better looking than the rest of us.