February 26, 2015. 7:00 pm

Directions: Circle the most correct answer.

  1. Minnesota Avenue:
    1. Was the location of this week’s trail
    2. Provided opportunity for urban shiggy
    3. Somehow still offered interaction with strippers
    4. Exists, apparently
  2. Penis Fly Trap, Dial F, Sorest Rump, Roll Over Bitch, and Colliteral Damage were:
    1. The hares
    2. The hairs
    3. Mostly too drunk to read maps
    4. Approximately 1/4 of the whole pack
  3. Having zero virgins at Minnesota Avenue in February was:
    1. Shocking
    2. Astonishing
    3. Bewildering
    4. Quick, someone get me a thesaurus…
  4. Welcome Homo was our:
    1. Visitor
    2. Superhero in bright yellow tights
    3. Sacrificial lamb through shiggy
    4. Only evidence to date of literacy among Carolina Trash
  5. DC Eagle:
    1. Hosted our on-after
    2. Is a gay biker bar
    3. Provided shelter from the authorities
    4. Gave us free beer!! (!!!)
  6. The weather:
    1. Was a balmy 33 degrees
    2. Holy shit, it was above freezing!
    3. Actually allowed for distinguishing the male and female forms under fewer layers
    4. Removed that element of surprise, though…

A small but fearless pack ventured east of the river to explore territory formerly known only to Lewis and Clark. Following turkeys, eagles, and only a little bit of blood, we were rewarded with refreshments next to a power station and an abandoned version of Pee Wee’s playhouse. Angry strippers threatened to ruin our merriment, but Just Dwayne, the awesome manager of DC Eagle took us in and gave us free beer. Really, free beer! We’re on a hot streak, folks! Kindergarten Cock circled the troops indoors for a surprisingly rambunctious circle, and I accidentally dressed like Spock, which was technically too soon to be considered too soon. Violations!

  • Dr. Toolittle kindly offered to eat my cheese. Lucky for her, I’m on antibiotics so there’s plenty of cheese to go around!
  • Speaking of cheese, Whoregon Trail was concerned with a general lack of cream cheese in her life, but didn’t want to tell her significant other for fear of “waking up to a surprise.” I don’t want to find out what a bagel and a schmear means in her house.
  • Geriatric Mandering admitted she could “find redeeming qualities in Hitler.” She is clearly an avid supporter of the arts.
  • The hares were violated for leaving so little flour that the pack had to follow their footsteps in the snow. There were never points at which there was only one set of footprints, though, because Jesus can’t go hashing.
  • Colitteral Damage emerged from the woods after emptying her bladder and announced she was the new version of the princess and the pee, and finally
  • A homeless gentleman asked Roll Over Bitch to stop hitting on Dr. Toolittle, and hence became the first person ever impressed by R. O. B’s game.

And although we finally had conditions appropriate for a naming, we had no justs. We settled for hanging out with Just Dwayne and our free beverages. Come back to us, justs! We miss puns. I mean, you. We miss you.

On- Totally kidding about that yeast infection- On

–Red, White, and Poo