Thursday, the fourteenth of May, Two Thousand Fifteen,
Substantially after Seven o’clock in the evening
- Venue: U Street/Cardozo
- Bridal Party: Red Vag of Courage, I’m Tho Thor, Hungry Hungry Homo, Whiskey Business, Dr. Toolittle, and Daisy Chain
- Flower Girls and Ring Bearers: Just Tim, Just Bach, Just Andrea, Just Charles (X2), Just Bjorn, Just Dan, Just Erin, and Just Frank
- Guest Who Traveled Furthest: KY Jello, from somewhere in Connecticut
- Reception: Lyman’s Tavern/Red Derby
Love was in the air this week, as we celebrated the forthcoming nuptials of Bless Me Father For I have Rimmed and The Cunt for Red Socktober! A large crowd of friends and family processed around U St, Adams Morgan, and 16th St Heights in our finest attire on a beautiful evening, but as often happens in weddings, a few things didn’t go quite as planned. Their wedding will probably be better than their white dress for reasons including:
- Unlike Rear Protein Injection, their officiant will remember the order of the ceremony.
- Hungry Hungry Homo won’t thrust-dance in a banana hammock.
- The venue will hold more than ten guests.
- There will be no virgins.
In honor of the couple’s love of comedy and the retirement of David Letterman, I present:
The Top Ten Reasons to Marry a Harriette
10. You have two chances to call out the right name in bed.
9. She lets you wear her dresses.
8. Your first dance can be to “My Name is Jack.”
7. She’ll eagerly go down-down
6. $6 all-you-can-drink date nights.
5. No need to trim your downstairs because she loves shiggy.
4. She’ll make you a well-rounded dinner of Oreos and Doritos.
3. You know what she wants for analversaries: necklaces, boxers, stickers, and booze.
2. She celebrates analversaries.
1. A lifetime of love and happiness!
Amid the love and joy of the evening, there was still plenty of time for stupidity. Violations!!
- Penis Fly Trap dressed like Marilyn Monroe. Unfortunately, her seven-year itch is called Chlamydia.
- Tuck Tuck Deuce was excited to have his new kitchen done so he “doesn’t have to eat out all the time.” I guess he’d better find someone who likes it in the kitchen instead.
- Speaking of real estate, RPI boasted his apartment has access to the best strip club in DC. I guess that means those strippers are friendlier than the ones who showed up at beer check.
- We welcomed back Pulp Friction who is 1/3 of the way to being a lawyer, and 1/3 of the way to being an overpaid, useless member of society.
- Just Erin offered the advice of “Just swish it around in your mouth for a while and the taste will go away,” which I’d normally say was wedding night advice for Bless Me Father For I have Rimmed, but now that she’s getting married, she never has to do that again!
- And finally, when a woman is as late as the hash was this week, you’ve gotta marry her, eh Cunt for Red Socktober?
There was no naming due to a second encounter with the strippers, so we trudged up the hill in the dark and went off to the bar. Until we ran out of room. Then we went to another bar.
On- Save the strippers for the bachelor party -On,
Red, White, and Poo