May 21, 2015. 7:00 pm

Ladies and gentlemen of the class of 2015, if I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would not be it. It’s graduation week at EWH3! Final exams have been graded and the report cards are in, so it’s time to reflect.

  • Geography 201: Foggy Bottom
  • Freshman 15: Just Nina, Just Gina, Just Sarah, Just Richard, Just Zachary, Just Oliver
  • Global Studies: Gumma Probably Spew, Mustache Sally, Lil Side Kick, Works for Sax
  • Postgraduate Fellowship: Front Page

Way, way, way in the back of the yearbook, we find our hares:

Yearbook 1Screen Shot 2015-05-23 at 12.52.40 PM

And as we go on, we remember all the times we had together. Including VIOLATIONS!!

  • Introduction to Revisionist History: Professor Poop Dick brought Just Nina and Just Gina, but forgot the Santa Maria.
  • Urology: Mellow Foreskin Cheese and The Lyin’ The Bitch and The Whoredrobe take the same amount of time to pee. It seems Whoredrobe also has a bad prostate.
  • Aging Studies: Tuck Tuck Deuce forgot to ask who made the virgins cum, a clear sign of senioritis.
  • Meteorology: Because he’s responsible for the weather, Kindergarten Cock justified “Sometimes it’s hard to get big when it’s cold outside.”
  • Human Anatomy: Twinkle Twinkle Little Cock described tonight’s flour color as “buff,” fondly reminiscing about a time when he could be described the same way, and finally
  • Social Media 101: Rear Protein Injection’s Tinder profile picture also features The Jew With The Dragon Tattoo, making him “The Dude with the Jew with the Dragon Tattoo.”

And finally, what would a graduation be without a notable speaker? Or, at least in this case, just a loud bro subject to a NAMING!!

Just Alex is a Masshole who studied “Political Philosophy” and now–when not buying the world a coke off his dick– lobbies for the good guys. He’s done a bunch of douchey stuff in the past, including vindictively sleeping with his girlfriend’s two best friends, and some douchey stuff in the present, since Just Alex bragged about having sex in his office that very morning. He had the hickey on his, um, neck, to prove it. A bunch of names were suggested including Douches Wild, Pubix Cube, Orifice Space, and the Wolf of Wall Skeet, but because he is a not-so-good Jewish boy who’s certainly never made good Jewish girl cum, Just Alex shall henceforth be known as The Failing Wall!

On- Never change -On
Red, White, and Poo