Where: Smithsonian Metro (Blue, Orange and Silver lines)

Hares: Ginger Snatch, All Flash No Drive, Hungry Hungry Homo, Stain Gretzky, Strange Ground Chuck

On After: Molly Malone’s

With summer tourist season reaching its peak of freshness, your fellow hashers decided to stink up the place a bit with a tour of the National Mall and Capitol Hill.

While some of us are bonafide locals, others still have a way to go, including:

  • Our virgins — Justs Noah, Mike, Rob, Scott, Sonya and Will — who confused the Capitol for the White House.
  • Our transplant — Cums Early Cums Often — who kept asking where the stores on the Mall are.

And these guys who said or did stupider shit than saying their flight was out of Ronal Reagan airport or standing on the left side of an escalator:

  • Missed Her Bush — who was overhead on trail saying, “I always lead from behind, that’s what my boss tells me anyway.”
  • Head Shart — whose bruised ass shows that they share the same boss.
  • Pooples Mountain Majesty — shared an important protip to DC locals and tourists alike … while you can go commando on the Metro, you cannot go shirtless.
  • Tony Panda — discovered last week that sharks don’t like the taste of pandas
  • RPI — found out that you can indeed become born again, literally. He looked as slick and shiny and mucous-y as a new born babe
  • PSA — Unsurprisingly went to all 3 grateful dead shows last week. Didn’t know you could buy season tickets to a band.
  • You Sucked My Battledick — had a pathetic slap fight with PSA at beer check. Apparently it was over whether the Grateful Dead can ever musical chairs. They can’t. Because they never stop.
  • Aunt Vagina’s Maple Syrup — was caught on trail asking hash flash to take a picture of a red bush. So which gingers was dropping trou?

We also took some time to celebrate a very solemn occasion for Just Francisco; an actual Washingtonian who used to hose off hash marks from his driveway in Arlington as a kid. He is a geographer and DJ and professional frisbee player who likes talking out of his about his ass. He lost his virginity doggy style on a ski trip in Canada. A cleaning lady once saw him cleaning his hairy ass after sharting at work. He came on a girl’s chest on a baseball field during a school dance and still feels bad about it.

For these reasons and others we don’t want to think about — like the outcome of the anal sex napkin bet — please welcome, Anals in the Outfield.

Saying whatever to presidential motorcades,

Mambo # Hives