August 1, 2015; Cedarville State Forest, Southern Maryland.
- Hares: Paulie’s Girl, Dr. Toolittle, Twinkle Twinkle Little Cock, Colliteral Damage, Penis Fly Trap
- Virgins: Um, so Make Love Not Warcraft brought four virgins, but I failed to write down their names. They were cool, but in my defense, they were not single.
- Visitors: Dances With Balls, Amelia AirShart, and some rando hasher from Smutty Crab who was camping nearby, found our marks in the woods, and followed them to our camp.
- On-After Activities: Trusty’s/ finding a friend to help check you for ticks…
100 trails older and none-the-wiser, EWH3 again got shiggy with it in the wilds of Southern Maryland!
And while a lot of noteworthy things happened in history between the years 800 and 900–gunpowder, Vikings, paper, and eunuchs (http://www.fsmitha.com/time/ce09.htm) (Note: more on eunuchs later), EWH3 has contributed absolutely nothing to the advancement of civilization since its 800th. In fact, I’m sure we’ve set it backwards.
But, before we launch into another century, let’s take a look back at some of the lowlights of the last 100 trails!
Ok, enough nostalgia. Let’s talk about number 9-0-0!
The trail was… um… let’s just say we can go ahead and reset the “Number of Trails without a Scribe Injury” counter to zero. Shiggy, horse shit, and hornets a-plenty. Did I mention the hornets? Yeah, the hares led us through at least three nests. I guess that’s what it takes to make old-timey hashers swell up these days.
After some minor cleaning up and some major Benadryl-ling, O-G EWH3 hasher Rear Protein Injection held court. We stuffed ourselves with fish and pork, and the oft’ absent songmeister Jew-cock-a composed a few special numbers for the occasion. They were, um, forgettable.
What will live on in history, though, are the records of VIOLATIONS!! (documented as well by Ms. Mambo # Hives)
- Haystack was painfully stung a dozen times, which is, coincidently, what sex with him is described as feeling like.
- Pooples Mountain Majesty arrived to Trusty’s by chauffer. His majesty, indeed!
- All Flash No Drive said of a snake on trail, “Meh, I’ve seen bigger.” And smaller, too, no doubt. Eh, RPI?
- Jew-cock-a feared Shetland Blow Me was a bear coming out of the woods. If he’s scared of hairy bears, Jew-cock-a should avoid mirrors.
- Dr. Toolittle was covered in a white substance including some that was caked in her ear. Now we know St. Paulie’s Girl was laying more than just trail…
- Dances with Balls showed that his special dance looks a lot like eating shit on trail.
- Forever Virgin wiped out a tit check so he could go faster, naturally disappointing the men. Skipping past the tits to go faster is also a good way to disappoint women.
- Ape that he is, Cum Dumpling asked The Lez Boat to groom his back hair, and
- The hares were violated for being like Oprah and giving away BEES!!!!!! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xAhuSDRIDHE
But, best of all, we had some very special NAMINGS!!!
Just Beer Van hails from Craigslist where s/he was among the least sketchy cash-up-front purchases. His most embarrassing moment explains my confusion in pronouns, because after some aggressive fondling by a teenager, his first fabulous pair of big, blue truck nutz were sadly removed. Following the neutering, Just Beer Van lived briefly as a female, post-op vansgender, until the street harassment proved too much and he reclaimed (and more properly secured) his balls. JBV’s first time was noteworthy, too, as he was prematurely tag-teamed into service by an injured Plan B. Lots of great names were suggested including Trans-emission, Van-sectomy, and the stately Martin Van BeerRun, but because he lost his nutz and they were resurrected, Just Beer Van shall henceforth be known as Scrotal Recall!
Dr. Toolittle wept with pride. And speaking of a parent’s tears…
After the pack of drunks departed and sang-shouted every conceivable, nauseating verse of “Jesus Can’t Go Hashing,” “Yogi Bear,” and “I Used to Work in Chicago,” there was another very special naming!!
(with thanks to Geriatric Mandering and All Flash No Drive for the assists…)
Just Maddie, ten-year-old D. A. U. G. H. T. E. R. of D. A. D. S. is more than just a ringer at Kubb. She’s an avid and advanced reader, preferring super downer books like Letters from Rifka about escaping the Russian Civil War, and a star of the stage (and likely soon the screen), after her lead roles in The Sound of Music and The Wizard of Oz. She has great taste in movies, too, including Lilo and Stitch and Inside Out. More than any of these, though, Just Maddie enjoys teasing her dad, because every single one of these things makes him cry. A few names were suggested including “I Make Daddy Cry,” and “Daddy Tissues,” but because she has a flair for the dramatic and a passion for the miserable and tearful, Just Maddie shall be known as Les Mis Junior!!
And, a little math tells me Les Mis Junior will be of age in time for EWH3’s 1300th run! Start planning now, St. Paulie’s Girl and Dr. Toolittle!
Someone please hand D. A. D. S. a tissue.
On- ward to four digits!! -On
Red, White, and Poo (et al.)