August 27, 2015. 7:00 pm.
*Spelled as advertised. I reports it as I sees it, folks.
It seams everyone’s been pairing off lately. Taking their mom’s advice, jorts are really putting themselves out there. Will this dating profile work? Only one way to find out; let’s let ‘er rip!
- Hares: Whiskey Business; BlowsATranny; St. Paulie’s Girl; Yessir, Yes She’s Fat; The Gourd, The Bad, and the Slutty; Tuck Tuck Deuce
- Virgins: Just Noah, Just Sam, Just Jimmy, Just Johan, Just Sarah, Just Daniel, Just Chris, Just Sloan
- Visitors: Mine My Manko, The Other White Meat, Portapussy, Quick Closing, Sperm Whale
- On-After: FREDDIE’S (!!!)
I’ll cut right to the chafe—
The hares displayed zero creativity this week and Rear Protein Injection conducted circle. While no crimes of fashion were committed, there were of course…
- Toolittle had a broken fly, but she practiced safe jortsing when she found a dirty rubber (band) to seal up her open hole.
- Anals in the Outfield swung for the MILF crowd when he cropdusted a stroller, but unfortunately the mom caught a pretty strong whiff.
- Similarly, Just Jon was running by a pretty girl and loudly lamented that he’d been trying to fart for 30 minutes but his pants were too tight.
- Just Ken showed off a sweet bandaid from a tetanus booster. He was trying to nail but I guess he was pretty rusty.
- Twinkle Twinkle Little Cock boasted of a sword made of a pool noodle. I’m not sure which is more embarrassing, that he’s that limp or that this story is about LARPing, and finally
- Penis Fly Trap had the solution for Geriatric Mandering’s goopy camera. PFT advised a little rubbing alcohol, based on her experience un-sticking keyboards from excessive masturbation.
And if that wasn’t enough excitement, we welcomed another hasher to our den…im. There was a NAMING!
Just Lawrence is an electrical engineer from Connecticut who designs algorithms that are out of this world! While not having sex with a hot woman who feared his hormonal releases, he busied himself in college by watching Jurassic Park every. single. weekend. For four years. He once maliciously replaced soda with milk, and this badass spirit earned him sex at the #1 strip club in the Northeast. A bunch dinosaur-themed names were suggested including Fapasaurus, Stega-sore-ass, and Jur-ass-ic Pork, but because most of his sexual encounters seemed to come with a recommendation and reviews by previous users, henceforth Just Lawrence shall be known as Craigsfist!
And with that, the pack ran off and became reacquainted with our old buddy Freddie! We sang to our little hearts’ content and spanked the living shit out of Twinkle because he had the nerve (endings) to declare it was his birthday. ‘Twas A very merry unbirthday, indeed.
On- Jorts Illustrated Skinsuit Edition -On
Red, White, and Poo