When: September 10, 2015

Where: Van Ness (Red line)

Hares: Unobtainum, The Lying, the Bitch, and the Whoredrobe, 3-Piece Sextional, Head Injury, Areola 51, and Vladimir Fruitin

On After: Guapo’s

Another week and EWH3 is yet another step closer to just opening up our own wedding chapel. As we celebrate Unobtainium’s upcoming nuptials, we took some time to populate the potpourri table of wedding guests that is always the last to use the buffet line.

  • The groom’s friend from summer camp who still has a crush on him and is still a virgin — Just Rochelle
  • The bride’s friend from summer camp who is a big slut — Gigi the blow up doll
  • An anatomically-correct sheep — Lady Baa Baa
  • The distance cousin who is a karaoke superstar — Rubber Legs
  • The co-worker whose much more outgoing date spent the whole reception on the dance floor (and elsewhere) with another person — Bloody Nibs
  • The functioning alcoholic who needs to get a life — Dial F

And of course there was a motley crew who just stayed at the bar the whole time, telling stories, like that one time …

  • Just Jim took time on trail to audition for EWH3’s new musical theater troupe: Jizz Hands
  • 3-Piece Sextional wore a wrist brace and had knee bruises because she did everything butt the night before
  • Maybe It’s Gay-Belline watched tit checks from creepily behind a bush
  • All Flash No Drive got rug burn from a back pack produced by a REI Chinese knockoff: RPI.

But at the EWH3 Wedding Express, we have a different kind of solemn occasion where someone gets a new name and a piece of jewelry.

Meet Just Carroll. He loves being a dude: from hooking up with squirters, benching 245 lbs. and doing parkour, and jerking off to an wide array of porn (including chicks with dicks). It’s a long way from the guy who is crushing Asian genital stereotypes but still lost his virginity in about 30 seconds. For these reasons and a few more: please welcome, I’m Big in Japan.

On — Don’t Throw Bouquets at Me — On,

Mambo # Hives