January 7, 2016. 7:00 pm
Playoff football and a sort-of playoff system to determine a slightly-more-legitimate national champion! It’s the most wonderful time of the year! But if sports aren’t your thing, fear not! You can always take a lesson from these girls and spend the whole game taking selfies with your phallic deserts:
If you’re an ASU sorority girl, your friendly scribe is here to coach you on what you missed:
- Home field advantage: Columbia Heights
- Offensive line: GeriatricMandering, Bumspringa, Head Injury, Maybe It’s Gaybelline, Deathly Swallows
- Out-of-place kickers: Anal Rose, Rotten Cherry, Animal
- Rookies: Just Tom, Just Eric, Just Lindsey, Just Jessica
- Post game press conference: Lou’s City bar
A bunch of sweaty men in spandex struggled to follow the game plan as the hares laid down the X’s and O’s. Referee Kindergarten Cock determined when to award first down downs. And of course, there were some PENALTIES:
- Offsides: Tosh.Homo fell out of bed the previous night.
- Encroachment: Number Two was in head-to-toe Washington Pigskins’ gear and his jersey declared he was going all in on RG3. Watch out, #2, that’s Kindergarten Cock’s territory.
- Illegal use of hands: La Gingeracha tested his company’s sexual harassment policies by bringing Just Tina, the woman in charge of enforcing them.
- (with)Holding: The hares promised two shot checks but only delivered one, and finally
- (lack of a) Block in the Back: Dial F announced he could no longer eat curry because it gives him the runs. Apparently when he eats Indian food, his diarrhea is naan-stop.
The clock wound down and there was no naming because there were already too many men on the field. So off we went to Lou’s with expectations of excessive celebration.
On- please stop saying “Sportsball” –On
Red, White, and Poo