EWH3 Hash Trash #947: The Arrested Development Trail!

When: May 19, 2016

Where:  Pentagon City Metro (Blue & Yellow Line)

Hares:  Quantum Whizics, Cum Locker, S&MOM, Glitty Clitty Gang Bang, and Just Lucille (I mean Leah)

Virgins:  Just Xavier, Just Erin, Just Marta, Just Stacy, Just Kelly, and Just Maudry

Visitors:  none, those dicks

On-After:  Freddie’s Beach Bar

Now the story of a wealthy kennel who lost everything, and the one scribe who had no choice but to keep them all together.  It’s Arrested Development.

It was a beautiful night in Pentagon City.  Underage tourists abounded as the pack ran around the mall, through sleepy residential neighborhoods, and along busy highways.  Circle was presided over by yours truly’s grandpappy, stunt RA Twinkle Twinkle Little Cock.  And mega props to our pilsner pushers for the evening, Brokeback Mama and Happy Poo Year.

There was no shortage of misbehavior on trail, and the pack gathered in the dusk to hear tales of each other’s shenanigans.  But mostly, they heard a really loud ass train going by for the longest 5 minutes of my life.  Not cool, bro.


  • Turn The Meat Around’s spanky pants practically made Diddle Her On The Roofie look like he was wearing full length trousers.
  • Dildo Shaggins was late to beer check because she was having a porta potty orgy. AINT NO PARTY LIKE A PORTA POTTY PARTY CUZ A PORTA POTTY PARTY POOP PLOPS.
  • Moose Knuckles and Maybe It’s Gaybelline wore jeggings and jorts, respectively, and had a never-nude nuts-showing contest. Seriously, I could see everything.
  • True to his name, The Failing Wall joined us for his first trail back in town since he left for grad school last fall. He took one look at Carney Carney Carney Carney Carney Chameleon and thought S&MOM had just been working out a lot.
  • Issues & Tissues nearly got run over on trail because her white and black zebra striped get up made her look like a crosswalk. She even got on the ground to demonstrate for us.
  • And finally, all of the hares had super awesome costumes, but one rose to the top of the heap. S&MOM’s never nude Tobias Funke received such rave reviews as “I can’t unsee that,” “I can only hope he stays never nude,” and “It’s kind of like if Moby were a walrus.”

And, FINALLY, after a lot of body shaming directed refreshingly at men, came a very solemn occasion – a NAMING!

Just Ian went to Southern Methodist University and got two degrees!  Then he got fired from his job at Blackboard and now gives blowjobs for a living.  Business is booming, hence the double knee braces.  The meanest thing he ever did was loogie in a bitch’s Cold Stone – GOTTA HAVE IT.  He has broken two beds and a chair having sex because his power is “in the ass.”  Suggestions included Bull In The Vagina Shop, Never Pull Out Couch, and Poops! I Did It Again, but none of those could withstand Just Ian’s powerful thrusting and erratic and questionable music taste.  Henceforth and forevermore throughout the world of hashing, Just Ian shall be known as Sha Na Na Na Na Knees Knees.

On – I’ve made a huge mistake – on,

Stain Gretzky