When: February 2, 2017
Where: Francis Scott Key Park (I guess near the Rossyln Metro.)
Hares: Put It Out, Poops I Did It Again, Yeast Infection, Just Sean, & Dildo Shaggins
Virgins: Just Brodie, Just Katherine, Just Katie, Just Michael, & Just Sam
Visitors: Chubby Chaser, & Lockjaw
On-After: Mr Smith’s
It was time for our annual Groundhogs Day trail, that special time of year where we all pretend to care about a place in Pennsylvania other than where they filmed Rocky. Did you know that Punxsutawney Phil’s home is called “Gobbler’s Knob?” No wonder I couldn’t call my bedroom that on Foursquare. (Side note: remember when Foursquare was a thing? Please do, otherwise that joke isn’t funny.) Legend has it that Phil is the same groundhog that has been giving meteorologists an excuse to get drunk and bone in a small town since the 1880s. He keeps his youthful glow by drinking a magical “Groundhog Punch” that makes him seven years younger. On Thursdays I also drink a magic punch and behave like I’m 7 years younger. Too bad it doesn’t extend to Friday mornings.
But enough about me and my crippling alcoholism. Let’s laugh at stuff people did on trail!
Violations
  • Strange Ground Chuck hared the first Ground Hogs Day trail 17 years ago! He’s been doing this so long that he has the movie on VHS.
  • Cum Brew Lay was named at this very trail two years ago. In the intervening years, he must have forgotten the rule against tech on trail, because he was playing Pokemon Go on an iPad! The whole hash joined in telling him to Pokemon Go fuck himself.
  • The hares were violated for having trail go up the Exorcist Stairs three times. By the end I lost my faith in God.
  • Maybe It’s Gaybelline solved a dude check by showing everyone his outie belly button. Even then it was smaller than expected.
  • The hares were violated for having trail go up the Exorcist Stairs three times. They must love that scene where the girl pukes.
  • Tuck Tuck Deuce was overheard complimenting trail while wearing a tutu. It’s always sad to see the effects of very late onset dementia.
  • The hares were violated for having trail go up the Exorcist Stairs three times. That’s a different kind of Devil’s threesome than we’re all used to.
Even though the night was cold and strippers were working someone over nearby, everyone stuck around for a very solemn occasion. A naming!
We all got to know Just Franklin a little better. Just Franklin pays for his beer by pretending to understand when his coworkers say things like: “Short orange futures!”, “I’m bullish on Microsoft!”, and “Here’s a coloring book Franklin, try to stay inside the lines.” The meanest thing he’s ever done was, you know, “basic child assault”. It was unclear how long ago he did this, so maybe don’t let him babysit. His favorite kind of porn is “teen”, mainly because he can spell it. Because of his search history and the fact that he lost his virginity in a Toy’R’Us parking lot, he will now and forevermore be known as Barbie Cream House.
On – Don’t tell me I’ve had enough punch! – On
Texas Hold Him