EWH3 Hash Trash #990: The RED MESS RUN trail

When: February 16, 2017
Where: Cleveland Park (Red Line)
Hares: Mouthful of Clams, Geriatric Mandering, C42Oh, Moose Knuckles, Just Dan
Virgins: Just Kelly, Just Mark, Just Audrey, Just Katie – and we didn’t lose a single one, after that first one!
Visitors: No visitors this week. Must have scared them off 
On-After: Atomic Billiards
привет my good friends! This trash finds me deep inside the great Bear of the North, Cheech and Dong’s dad. Our trail was a timely combination of two of my favorite things: Russophobia and Valentine’s Day. But since we all may soon be marching under the sickle, I thought it would be fun idea to share some of my ideas of other Russi-fied American holidays:
  • Russian Super Bowl Sunday: Football is banned. Only hockey and gymnastics are allowed. The Office of Holiday Russification requires all channels to broadcast corrected versions of sports movies casting the Russians as the protagonists. An Ivan Drago statue in is placed in Philadelphia. Remember the Miracle on Ice? No one else does either. Might Ducks 2 remains unchanged, because the only people Russians hate more than Americans are the Icelandic.
  • Russian Easter: Non Russian-Orthodox Easter is banned. Everyone must eat bread that has a whole egg cooked in it. Children are asked to pray to “Our Leader” for candy to teach them God is dead.
  • Russian Cinco De Mayo: The Russians are confused why Americans commemorate a Mexican victory at the Battle of Puebla, when Mexico doesn’t. But Ivan at the Office of Holiday Russification isn’t to be deterred. Everyone wears sombreros and drinks vodka. Ivan receives a metal for outstanding service.
  • Russian Labor Day: Our Russian overlords in the Office of Holiday Russification probably think we are fucking with them by telling them that Americans actually have a day to celebrate organized labor. As a result, all Americans in the office are summarily exported to the US’ Siberia, Wisconsin. Much chagrin was had when the replacement Americans received from the Office of Replacement Americans confirmed this was true. No apologies were issued and the replacement Americans were killed so the story would not get out.
  • Russian Halloween: After standing for hours in a line to receive a Party-approved costume, many children were disappointed that their ill-fitting masks were all of American presidents and bankers. “I wanted to be a scary monster!” little Michel complained. “Young man” said Alekandrovich, Deputy Assistant Director of Costume Dispensation, “the true monster is capitalism.”
  • Russian Thanksgiving: “Molly’s Pilgrim” is banned and becomes a hot item on the Black Market. In lieu of a cornucopia of plenty, everyone fasts – not because of the failure of collective farming, just because. Haha! You are so dumb, thinking collective farms and centralized agricultural planning were terrible ideas.
  • Russian Festivus: Someone wrestles an actual goddamn bear. 
Violations have been reported to shadowy authorities:
  • Have you Blown my Stapler paid for his 27th run with a V-card. False advertising is a serious crime, Stapler. Not cool.
  • Cheech and Dong was violated for poor form in taking a jello shot. Someone needs to show her how to lick the rim better.
  • Hare Just Dan shared an unsolicted story about his gut health. No wonder it was just a shitty trail.
  • Dr. Too Little ran into a ditch and called up to the pack “Careful, it’s pretty loose and damp down here.” But what was the ditch like?
  • The hares were violated for having trail wind through creeks, up cliffs, and into slippery crevasses like we were EquiSearch. I thought it was “Red Alert”, not “Amber Alert.”
Everyone stuck around for the last cold night of the year to celebrate a solemn occasion: A naming!
Just Sean hails from distant Maryland suburbs. He’s leveraged his prestigious degree from Blue Hen University to become a paralegal’s paralegal and steals. His favorite swimming stroke and Mariah Carey album are the same: Butterfly. His least favorite swimming stroke and sex position are Breaststroke. He has a tendency for ghosting in the middle of sex, which will be recreated in David Blaine’s next TV special “David Blaine: Pooper’s Ghost.” But because he has a thing for “greek” and Disney’s Hercules, he will now be known as “Hercu-Please“
On – Moose and Squirrel?  – On
Texas Hold Him