EWH3 1000th Trail Weekend: A story in three acts.
Themes, Motifs & Symbols
- Beer & Chalk
- Hash Marks
- Bawdy Songs
When: April 6, 2017
Where: Farragut North
Leading Characters (Hares): Wait Wait Don’t Fuck Me; GeriatricMandering; La Gingeracha; Atari 6900; Nobody Puts Gayby in a Corner
Supporting Characters (Visitors): There were a few, but my notebook got wet
Developing Characters (Virgins): See above. There were a lot though, and Greatest Ho on Earth brought her mom
On-After: Gypsy Sally Vinyl Lounge
Congratulations to Wait Wait Don’t Fuck Me for alpha-ing his first trail, though with such a chipper theme as “World War I”, I look forward to his next trail about SIDS.
Key Plot Points
- Atari 6900 reminded everyone at start that wars are all about planning and logistics. And then he promptly lost his propane tank. This scribe thought it would be funny to deliver it to him at BC, but decided running through DC with IED would have to wait for the War on Terror Trail.
- The Greatest Ho on Earth brought her mother to trail to prove that she had friends and was cool. Now she’s more worried than ever.
- Whoregon Trail forgot to wear a sports bra. What about all your talk of supporting the troops?
- Urine Grande Trouble told a story about asking his older sister who the tall lesbian was in her prom photo. It was him. Puberty can really change a lady… into a dude. Congrats on your transition.
- FukuShemale was overheard saying to “never outsource a hand job”, which is great advice. Another good tip to make a hand job better: use your mouth.
- Wait Wait Don’t Fuck Me ran the entire wet trail in leather loafers. That’s a sure fire way to get trench-foot.
- To celebrate his 369th run, Twinkle Twinkle Little Cock made a whole mess of chili for everyone, which was a little rude. Just because he wasn’t going to be having sex later, doesn’t mean everyone else shouldn’t.
- The hares didn’t use flour on trail to teach the pack about rationing, and there were no checks because Czechoslovakia wasn’t formed until the interwar period. (See! History can be fun. This is some 100% edutainment right here.)
After all the chili was consumed, and we all struggled to make jokes that were about World War I and not about World War II (seriously, all the good stuff is WWII), we had a very solemn occasion. A Naming!
Just Kevin spends his days fighting international money laundering and climaxing in other people’s hats. One time he sustained an injury to the face from “a vagina at a high rate of speed.” Ever the gentlemen, he finished. There were a lot of really good options which won’t be shared here in hopes that they can be used later. But because he once had sex with a goat, and was a very religious altar boy, we will now and forevermore be known as Cathlick My Baaaalls.
When: April 7, 2017
Where: Navy Yard
Writers for the second season after the Writer/Creator had to go to rehab (Hares): Maybe It’s Gaybelline, Mouthfull of Clams, yada yada
Reality show stars who cameo in unglamorous minor characters (Visitors): Point of Entry, Killer Queef
On-After: Willie’s Brew & Que
Much like the second movie in a trilogy, 1002 coasted. EWH3 fulfilled their Full Moon requirement by hosting a Friday night trail. The theme for the evening was incredibly creative: Beer. Seriously, best theme of the year. Be sure to vote for it when AGM comes around.
Overall it was windy and chilly. Special thanks to Mouthful of Clams for helping an injured hasher to the ER. We really appreciate you using your nurse fetish for good.
Key Plot Points
- Schrodinger’s Cock regaled the pack with a story of watching his mother put her hand in a horse’s ass. Oh wait, he meant vagina. It turns out he hasn’t been playing “Wrong Hole” all this time.
- Strange Ground Chuck had to pee. So did. On the sidewalk. At an intersection. On the Women and Child Services Building. Goddamn man, have some subtlety.
We had some laughs and chuckles. Afterwards we had a very solemn occasion. A Naming!
Just Fredrick hails from the exotic, frigid Great White North. For once, not Montana but Sweden! He sure does talk a lot about internet nerd things and pretty much lives on Reddit where he loves to read up on animated pornography that emphasizes consensual sex. There truly is a place on the internet for everyone. Because he learned to speak English from “Clarissa Explains It All”, the pack ably shoehorned as many sex puns as possible into that title so he will now be known as Clitarissa Sexplains My Balls.
(Sorry, no Clarissa gif, as she was a child!)
When: April 8, 2017
Where: The Faraway Forests of Maryland
People who speculate on upcoming plot points in online forums (Hares): Rosetta Bone, Poops I Did It Again, Mambo # Hives, Twinkle Twinkle Little Cock, Stain Gretzky, Have You Blown My Stapler?, Red White and Poo, Hercu-Please, Atari 6900
People who accidentally read the third book in a series first (Virgins): Just Ray, Just Becky, Just Corey
On-After: Lou’s City Bar
Finally, the main event. The thing we were all waiting for! PROM!
I think I speak on behalf of the kennel when I say it was the best prom ever. We didn’t even have to hide the beer, no one got “oops pregnant”, and Donna Martin still gets to graduate!
As a way to thank the organizers of the 1000 run for all their hard work, this scribe awarded them with the superlatives that their cowardly high school journalism teacher wouldn’t.
Most Likely to…
- Go To Homecoming Games as an Adult – Atari6900
- Future Lunch Lady – Mambo # Hives
- Get Touched by the Janitor – Have you Blown My Stapler?
- Eat Lunch Alone in the Library – Red White and Poo
- Go to Their Safety School – Stain Gretzky
- Date the Art Teacher – Poops I Did It Again
- Get to third Base on the Band Bus – Rosetta Bone
- Shock No One When They Come Out in College – Hercu-Please
No prom is without a King and Queen. While the cummerbund covering Tragic Carpet Ride’s junk was a clear winner for King, the race for Queen came down to a walk-off.
Congratulations to GeriatricMandering for really stomping that runway. She is not just any EWH3 Homecoming Queen, she was ~the~ EWH3 Homecoming Queen. She didn’t dance with just a cummerbund, that cummerbund was on FIRE (no it wasn’t, be safe around formal wear y’all.) And just so you know, Marjorie, and your children will someday know, was the night the lights went out in Georgia. (link to teach the children)
Key Plot Points
- Homo on the Range got off the bus and brushed his teeth with a Bud Light Lime. I’ve always though he looked like a down-market Ke$ha.
- Lichtyologist asked his humble scribe to grab a tube and make it straighter. Maybe she thinks my hash name is some ironic “Call the Fat Guy Slim” joke? Sorry honey, when I grab tubes, they certainly aren’t straight.
- No String Attached was dressed like Peewee Herman and Tragic Carpet Ride in a “teddy bear” onesie. For the record, the event organizers did confirm that our campsite was slightly over 1000 feet away from the adjacent playground.
- Coliteral Damage wore her “Runner Girl” shirt inside out, because we all know race-ism is on the inside.
After the scribes had their fun, and the pack had their eyes burned by the sight of Tragic’s, well, tragedy, there was a very special occasion. A naming!
Just Nelly joined us from Montana, because no one is Montana any more and she had FOMO. This was a special kind of naming because Just Nelly named herself when she told a story of a fun, innocent game she and her friends played at her high school prom. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome
But wait! There’s more! Another naming for Just Katie!
I don’t have notes from this naming because I buggered off to drink lots of beer and my comrade in arms, Wait Wait Don’t Fuck Me stepped in. So here is what I remember from the bus: Just Katie is from the DC area. She went to Harvard. She made sure to let Wait Wait know to not forget the “d” because she too underestimates that simple face. The man laid a WWI-themed trail, Just Katie, he probably knows how to spell the name of the college he didn’t get into. And apparently while at Hahvard (Is that right? I never know because it’s such a complicated word) she had a secret threesome on a stage during Dead Week. So please welcome, Midsemester Night’s Cream!
Confession: that’s a total guess, I’m working backward from her name. Other possibilities:
- she lost her virginity during a summer theater camp
- she last pooped her pants in her dorm room at Harrvarrddddd (Close? Sorry, I went to a state school!) after eating a bucket of Cool Whip
- the meanest thing she ever did was curse an actor on the Summer Solstice with donkey’s ears and lactose intolerance
On – Dont’ worry, I never forget the D – On
Texas Hold Him