‘Twas the night before WIE, when all through the burbs

Not a hasher was sober, they were tripping on curbs;

Chalk marks were thrown on the ground by the hares,

Bow Chic-a Bow Bow, Too Easy, Fish ‘n’ Tits, La Gingeracha were all there

The brew crew was nestled all snug in the van

Handing the beer out to us can by can.

And r*nners in their fleeces, and walkers in their caps

Stopped twice for a shot check, while making their laps.

Then once at end circle, there arose such a clatter,

I pulled out my notebook to record what was the matter.

Into the circle I flew like a flash,

To violate the wankers who messed up at the hash.

The moon on the breast of the virgins, so smiley:

Just Rachel, Just Krista, Just Julia, Just Miley

When what? Do my wondering eyes betray me?

A visitor by the name of Ice Ice Lay Me.

With a little old RA so bundled and bold

I knew in a moment she was to blame for the cold

More rapid than blowjobs, those down-downs they came,

As I called out the violators by name:

Now, Schrodinger’s Cock, who heard “Are you?”

And responded “We never even got off, boo hoo!”

On, What’s a Boner?, who came awfully late

Especially when his own hand was his date.

To the top of the hill! To the left of the wall!

Wait, this isn’t walker’s trail! Is it down the hall?

Leaning Tower of Please Ya, and PSA

Stitches Get Bitches led them the wrong way.

So, up to the hilltop the hashers the flew

As I called them for down downs, and Dr Too Little too!

And then, in a twinkling, I heard her just hum

Why? ‘Because of the cold’ her mouth was all numb.

As I drew in my horn, and was turning around

Into the circle Throbbin’ Hood came with a bound.

And his clothes were all tarnished, with what I don’t know

As he told us so proudly “I’m directing a show!

I’ll be dressed all in fur, from my neck to my ass,

Yes, this porn will slingshot me to the top of the class!”

And The Cumburglar did follow him in

As he recounted the dialogue to accompany this sin

His moans – how they echoed! Hear that popped cherry!

His quotes were reminiscent of that time he railed Mary!

Rumspringa told us a story about a dear “friend”

Who met a young woman at his night’s end

He tried and convinced her to join him for a while

But found himself locked out in sexile.

Some claim he rented a zipcar, but we know

It was probably just a borrowed El Camino.

Schrodinger’s Cock was back in front of this dame

For making quite an outlandish claim

He stated “the quicker you finish, the better!”

Not true at all – she needs to be wetter!

A wink of his eye and a flash of his light

Soon gave me to know I’d stay horny tonight.

We spoke not a name, but went straight to the bar

And filled all the hashers with beer from afar.

And laying our fingers on our phone’s unlock code

And calling an Uber, back home we rode.

We sprang to our beds, for one last restful night

And we were all out right quick, like a light.

But throughout DMV, ere we leave by car or truck:

“Happy WIIIIEEEEkend to all, and to all a good fuck!”