When: Thursday March 15th, 2018. Pack away at 7:15!
Where: Metro Center – Freedom Plaza! – Red, Blue, Orange, & Silver Lines
Hares: Colliteral Damage, Deetz Nutz, Poops I did it Again, Cheech & Dong, Happy Poo Year, Maybe it’s Gaybelline, and L’Chymen
Virgins: Just Kyle, Just Rick
Visitors: Lola-palooza, Floppy Attachment
On After: Recessions
Gaining the Luck of the Irish is not as easy as it sounds. The Irish have a lengthy list of good luck charms and bad omens and it’s hard to keep them straight! We need all the help we can get around here, so here’s a list of superstitions and lucky charms you should maybe consider being more aware of.
- Four Leaf Clovers: The hares were marking trail with lots of stars, when they should have been using shamrocks!
- Lucky Rabbit’s Foot: Actually, “adhering strictly to early tradition, a person in search of luck should carry the foot of a hare.”
- If you trip and fall in a graveyard you will most likely die by the end of the year. (Good on Jack for beating this curse.)
- Knock On Wood: “To avoid tempting fate after an unfavorable comment, the best thing to do, per superstitions, is to quickly knock on wood for protection. The belief was originated from the Indians of North America … children would touch a tree to signify safety during a game of tag, thus sparking the knock on wood tradition.” I guess no one told Just Morgan. He tripped into a topiary instead. It’s ON wood, not IN wood.
- The End of a Rainbow: “In order to ensure no humans could take what they now considered their gold, the leprechauns reburied it in pots deep underground all over the island. When rainbows appear, they always end at a spot where some leprechaun’s pot of gold is buried.” Amerigo Vesploogie dressed as a bear. He wasn’t looking for a pot of gold. He wanted a pot of honey.
- Blarney Stone: “The legendary Blarney Stone at Ireland’s Blarney Castle attracts visitors who kiss the stone to get the gifts of good luck and eloquence.” I got something else you can kiss, right here..
- Lucky Number Seven: I didn’t have seven people in the circle so (insert your own violation here) for General Tso’s Dicken and The Hyperpoop.
Violations for the less lucky:
Eiffel Plow Her plowed his way through a crowd of school girls at the Vietnam War Memorial. Was France even in the Vietnam War?!
On trail, Throbbin’ Hood was outlining the variety he appreciates in dildos. Short & stocky, long & stockier, black & stocky – just stocky things in general. I guess it’s true that the heart wants what it doesn’t have.
General Tso’s Dicken got so excited at all this stock talk that she immediately had to stop at a hot dog stand to put a weiner in her mouth.
Afterwards, Wank Like an Egyptian grilled her for details for a solid three minutes. Wank, if you’re trying so hard to live vicariously through weiners, why not just talk to Throbbin’? (Or.. are you not into stocky dicks?)
Bonus Round! Tragic Carpet Ride
Tragic claims that when he was a young boy, he could lick his own dick. When pressed for a demonstration, Tragic blamed his changing body for the lack of performance. Ok, like we haven’t heard that one before.
Tragic took that childhood baggage and passed it onto an innocent bystander by yelling in a small child’s face “I have herpes in my ass!” Well, that’s a talk that’s happening earlier than his parents planned.
On trail, Tragic tried to direct traffic by yelling, “Wait! Stop!” Don’t you know? Once it starts cumming, you can’t stop it.
Finally, some of you may have noticed that Tragic’s vessel is in the likeness of Sully, from Monster’s Inc. If you haven’t seen the movie, Sully is actually quite like Tragic. They both spend their time trying to make little girls scream, but only succeed in making them laugh.
As luck would have it, the night was clear and the alley was windproof so we gathered close for a solemn occasion..
The Naming of Just Eric
Just Eric (not Allen) hails from Cleveland and was brought to our city in pursuit of a degree from American University. A former drama club director and high school newspaper editor, Just Eric landed a role as Carlos the Pool Boy’s side piece in Legally Blonde: the Musical. Carlos enjoyed rehearsing their make-out scene – his girlfriend was less appreciative. While studying abroad, Just Eric narrowly avoided deportation thanks to a smoking (literally) cougar named Mary. He wants to be the Fabulous Falcon, but also wants to fuck the Fabulous Falcon somehow? Boy, don’t you know that if you fuck someone with the same name, it’s just masturbation? (Disclaimer: this is the part where I got really confused) Just Eric’s dick might be bigger than Bill’s and he definitely owns Bitcoin. He likes it when the number of limbs in a sexual encounter equals either 0 (Nugget Porn?) or 9 (him + starfish). I heard him call Karl Marx “daddy” and immediately tuned out.
Despite her confusion, Poon-apple Juice seamlessly combined his desires to have cucumbers and muppets up his ass by naming him…
(Again, this raises more questions than it answers..)
Alas, we had made it through the ides of St Patrick relatively intact. We departed to remedy that at Recessions.
On – Erin Go Bra-less – On
Bonus Round – Part Two!
So, I’m a hot holy mess and never got around to sending you all…
The Naming of Just Nick
Just Nick, a ginger graduate of Virginia Tech, really likes shrimp and funerals. He once picked someone up at a wake and has stolen a non-zero sum of shellfish from another. If given $200, he would probably just eat it, much like stolen shrimp. He spends his days doing something law adjacent, but used to moonlight in life guarding, geriatric fishing, and pig slaughter. His first butt sex experience was also his worst. It’s been variably painful since. Just Nick keeps a Rolodex of all the dicks he’s met and was kind enough to outline some pretty interesting threesomes for us:
On – “Let’s go home and fuck” – On