EWH3 TRASH #1068: The Choose Your Own Adventure Trail! – May 24th – Rosslyn Metro

When: 6:45 PM Thursday May 24th, 2018. Pack away at 7:15!
Where: Rosslyn Metro (Dark Star Park) – follow marks to start!
Hares: GeriatricMandering, Head Injury, Colliteral Damage, Quid Pro Blow, and Happy Poo Year
Virgins: Justs Jones, Kara, Blake, Camille, and Nick

It was a beautiful evening in to wander around Virginia and then come back safely to our hideout under the bridge like the trolls we are.

The pack chose a variety of adventures, from silly hats to onesies to “motherfucking science, bitches!”

Meanwhile, our fair city decided to put on a show of being DC af: end circle was accessorized by a hip hop video shoot, a charmingly fresh set of porta-potties, and some swanky old white folks clutching their pearls while leaving the yacht club. Oh DC. Never change.

Despite the lovely weather provided by our all-powerful RA Wait Wait Don’t Fuck Me, adventures on trail did include some notable shenanigans.


Backsnatch took Uno Dos Tres on a long cut that was far more perilous than what she’d signed up for. You can’t do that, dude. Hashers are gullible and will follow strange people into compromising situations. It’s practically our best quality.

Dressed cozily as the Cat in the Hat, Atari 6900 was absolutely the hottest pussy on trail. That hat did need to be stuffed and fluffed to stay up, but it lasted long enough that we were concerned he would hit the four hour mark and need to consult a physician.

The Hares vere admonished that a puke check was not discussed in chalk talk.

Perennial FRBs Free Little Willy and Sphincter Shy muffed a fishook check and managed to scatter and confuse the entire pack. Y’all if you’re gonna go around back, you need to use your words and let people know your plan to get behind them. Otherwise things might go fuckin awry.

It turns out that You Can’t Handle the Poop earns his hash cash modeling for Capital Bikeshare, as his wholesome and friendly visage was spotted beaming down at passers-by from their advertising campaign. It is disconcerting for the scribe to use the word “wholesome” and we are intending to send a sternly worded letter to address this affront to hash standards.

Overheard at the hash, Stain Gretsky would like it to be known that she is “into all things double stuffed.” Note: Stain was the sobe GM. This was not a drunken admission. Ladies and gentlefolk, our fearless leader.

Deetz Nuts, dressed in a magnificent unicorn outfit, was identified by a muggle who delighted their child by exclaiming, “Look honey, it’s a brony!” You were turned in by your fellow wanks. Friendship is tragic.

Tuck Tuck Deuce got the pack lost at every check, but shame on Free Little Willy, who was the one complaining… Willy, you know better than to follow him around. When an old man gets lost you call in a silver alert, you don’t assume he knows where he’s going.

And taking advantage of our adventurous theme, The Cumburglar shared a fantasy resulted in an open call to any ladies interested in having a scruffy dude eat McNuggets off their naked body. Because he is a gentleman, he will even buy the nuggets.

And to cap off this glorious evening, we had a Naming:

Just Becky was brought to our fair hash by Wank Like An Egyptian.

She’s from Colorado and knows things about architecture. Her sexual patronus is a dolphin, and she once vomited on an entire frat.  Her sexy Disney pantheon includes Aladdin, Gambit, and Han Solo. The dear lass has something of a high-drama relationship with cars, however. One of her more memorable sexual exploits was being caught fucking in a car by a curious Smokey Bear (that’s sneaky code for National Park Ranger). In a probably-not-sexual endeavor, she was also smashed flat by a car which… induced the kind of traumatic brain injury that leads to hanging around with Wank and coming to a hash of mentally unstable reprobates. Due to her cinematic breadth of vehicular experience, she was dubbed Fury Load by her proud papa, You Can’t Handle The Poop. Nobody let her drive Scrotal, mmmkay?

On – Witness Me! – On,

BMC Tiny Dancer