When: 6:45pm Thursday, July 12, 2018

Where: Fort Totten (Red & Green lines)

Hares: Cheech and Dong, GeriatricMandering, General Tso Dicken, A Midsemester’s Night Cream, and Tuck Tuck Deuce

Virgins: Justs Andy, Sam, Miranda, Justin, Christie, Josh, Kevin

Visitors: Jigglytits, Either Way

Oh, the poor hares stewing in bitter resentment for having the flicker of their birthday candles outshone by Christmas lights, menorah candles, Yule logs, pyromaniac uncles, New Year’s fireworks, and general consumerist holiday bullshit.

Every year. And every year, they wished on those underappreciated candles for a moment to feel special. Loved. Uplifted.

They got pack of unruly wankers sporting sweat-drenched holiday attire instead.


While we usually start off with experienced hasher antics, at least two Justs were brought into the circle for… feedback. Winning for favorite Virgin was Just Justin who brought us all sweets for the snack table. As an orally fixated group that enjoys taking candy from strangers, we let him know that we’d follow him to a windowless white van any night given Thursday. On the other hand, Just Alex needed to be reminded more than once that we point with our elbows. Repeated unwelcome fingering, my dude, we don’t put up with that; this isn’t a church.

Pooples Mountain Majesty regaled us with the tale of how he made some new friends on the rainbow police squad during his adventures at the DC Eagle. What nefarious crime was he the victim of? Someone grabbed his sac. On the plus side there’s video! This looks to be the beginning of a lucrative career in the CCTV porn niche, and we couldn’t be prouder.

Wait Wait Don’t Fuck Me got a little carried away with his safety equipment and was found with a condom on his shoe. On the one hand (foot?), gosh, when you work up to using those where they’re designed to go, it will blow your mind. On the other hand, I’m not here to kink-shame. Pro-tip: be real sure to spell your kink correctly when you search: it’s pOdophilia, mmkay?

We commended the transplant Jigglytits for attempting to scoop up some trail treasure while running through the streets of northeast. They started off their DC hashing career by being rejected by a stranger! Welcum to the family, JT!

Osama bin Hashing noted, while in a cemetery, that he’d had sex in one once. When asked if his partner was alive, he could not answer. Here’s a hint, buddy, if you need a Ouija board for your consent check, you have made several terrible life decisions and are likely to be eaten by a grue.

Throbbin Hood and Just Andy were caught drinking bizarre concoctions and improved on them by crossing the streams, trading fluids, and touching dicks. Well done, gentlemen!

Finally, the Hares were righteously violated for their traumatizing shot check. Bile-colored and tasting of mint and self-loathing. It induced flashbacks to that time after the intervention when the only thing you could find to drink was an unholy amalgamation of Scope mouthwash and NyQuil.


And after all of that, we had a Naming!

Just Brittany is from small town in Wisconsin, and Bipolar Bear made her cum. They worked the Hill together. Our intrepid lass has a degree in economics and then, for shits and giggles, law. During her youth, at the moment of first coital adventure, the gentleman in question bailed out last minute shouting, “Jesus won’t forgive me!” She can get quite rowdy in her sexual adventures, and has ended up with both strained ribs and bruises all over from being pinned to various surfaces. Lucky for her, she has a mom who is very kind and understanding and says things like, “Looks like you got fucked up against a wall like this! [action pose] And this! [action pose] And probably a little like that! [action pose]”
Just Brittany nearly swore off sex forever due to being scarred by dramatic maternal reenactment of her sex life, but she managed to allay those qualms with heavy drinking and hooking up with bartenders at their bars.

Due to the religious fervor in her early sexcapades and the motherly recognition of her sexual stigmata, she was anti-christened Rail Mary by the cheeky Midsemester Night’s Cream!

On-Happy birthday, fuck you – on,

Blow Me Closer, Tiny Dancer