When: Thursday, April 4, 2019

Where:  L’Enfant Plaza Metro (LITERALLY EVERY COLOR BUT RED)

Hares:  Mourning Wood, Mistress Cycle, Uno, Dos, Tres, LIFTOFF!, and Fizzy, I think?

Virgins:  Just Sean, Just Johnny

Visitor:  my notes say “Pink Shirt? Seattle?”

On-After:  Tiki TNT

Busted before I could read any violations?: absolutely

Violations that never were:

  • Just Ahren is getting violated for thinking that taking a single apple off the snack table is gonna undo all the damage he did to his body last weekend at WIE.
  • Mourning Wood skipped WIE to scout, imported his sister all the way from Hawaii to co-hare, and the best trail he could come up with was a run around the tidal basin during peak blossom?!  Real innovative stuff there, bud.
  • The hares came up with this trail theme so they could remind everyone how long it’s been since they had cherries to pop.  We get it.  You fuck.
  • Twinkle Twinkle Little Cock wouldn’t shut up on trail about how many hash babies he has.  We get it.  You fuck.
  • Also Twinkle for running down the Wharf loudly telling the story about a lady on a house boat yelling at the hash for making too much noise and dragging us on Reddit, and making a big deal about how he responded responsibly and politely with a classy gentleman’s riposte, the retelling of which apparently necessitated him yelling FUCK in front of a bunch of children.
  • Poon-apple Juice needed a buddy to go to the bathroom at start.  Yeah girl, we all know you don’t take your pants off without at least one other person present.
  • And finally, a violation for all the try-hards who went out and bought Hawaiian shirts specifically for this trail.  And THAT WAS ME AND I STILL WANT MY GODDAMN NATURDAY DOWN DOWN.

Stage direction:

Exit, pursued by an angry marina proprietor. 

On – I have been DENIED! – on,

Stain Gretzky