When: Thursday, May 23, 2019

Where:  Georgia Ave / Petworth Metro (Yellow / Green Line)

Hares:  Scooter Cunte, Roll Over, Bitch!, Heaven’s Gape, Tragic Carpet Ride, Slut Machine, and Barebackin’ Pearls

Virgins:  Justs David, Hailey, and Lexy

Visitor:  Snap, Crackle, POOP! (he homeless) and Barebackin’ Pearls (yay transplant!)

On-After:  Midlands Beer Garden! and I actually went!  Can’t remember the last time I went to an on-after.  But seriously who TF thought it was a good idea to unleash hashers on a bar that is serving a 19.5% beer on tap.  This morning I was feeling a little rough (dot) gov

Violations High School Stereotypes

  • Fat kid: Stain Gretzky had to make a special request to the brew crew (thanks guys!) for napkins to clean Cheeto dust out of her fingerprints to unlock her phone and read her scribe notes.
  • Slutty cheerleader: Just Ben brought his own nipple tassels and was teaching everyone in the alley how to use them.  Fun fact: apparently different types of thrashing make them swing in opposite or the same direction.  See ya under the bleachers later!
  • Science nerd: Dial F was bragging to everyone on trail that his beehives were just around the corner.  His beehives are right over there!  His beehives are just ahead!  But honestly y’all, I shouldn’t have been surprised that when we got there, they were smaller than advertised.
  • Homoerotic jocks: Goldman Ballsachs bent over in the middle of trail to mark a check and Quid Pro Blow read the nearby SPEED HUMP sign as a direction to rail Goldman from behind at full speed.
  • Prom committee: the hares.  Trail was highly advertised, some people kinda dressed up, I drank some booze near a dumpster, it really wasn’t *that* bad, but it was over pretty quickly and I was left asking myself “was that it…?”
  • Running backpack kid: Just David.
  • The kids your mom definitely doesn’t want you to hang out with: the hares, who had us all drinking in public, playing in traffic, seriously contemplating climbing a rusty fence to break into a muggle’s yard, and doing the exact opposite of following instructions.

And we had a very solemn occasion for Just Ahren!!!  Just Ahren has been hashing since February and spends his days managing an inbound call center and telling people to push buttons over the phone.  He’s into acroyoga, tumbling, balancing, and “elbow stuff.”  His fetishes include hentai, social anxiety, and holding his bladder while going through security checkpoints.  He’s a slow cooker, both in terms of food and sex.  But because of his preference for internet porn over IRL stuff, henceforth and forevermore throughout the word of hashing, Just Ahren shall be known as VOIP (Vagina Optional, Internet Preferred).

On – On Wednesdays we wear tetanus – on,

Stain Gretzky