When: Thursday, February 13th, 2020

Where: Pentagon City Metro (Blue/Yellow Line)

Hares: Tik Tok It’s Dick o’Clock, #SquadHoles, Close Encounters of the Turk Kind, and Ready Player None

Virgins: Just David, Just Ronnie, Just Sammy, and Just Josh

Visitors and Long Time No See-ums: Lickthiologist, Princess Jizzman, Moremen, Mooseknuckles, Around the World in 80 Lays, Tuneless, Bulletproof Boobs, and two others who said their names too fast both times, Drunken someone and Turkey something.

On After: Freddie’s

On February 14th, 270 A.D., a Roman priest was executed. This led to the cultural appropriation of a pagan fertility festival that we now associate with Hallmark and Trojan. Thank you St. Valentine!

This week’s trail was great for lovers, singles, and basically anyone who likes getting deeeeeep inside some holes. The trail winded through the maze-like Crystal City underground and other Tunnels of Love in the area.

However, no trail is complete without hashers doing dumb things. Here’s a recap of those shenanigans:

Individual Violations:

  • Quid Pro Blow and Just Kirsten were wearing red on top but green on bottom. This means their hearts are taken, but their asses are community property!
  • Cocktease Falcon for not once, not twice, but THREE times pulling a Just Kirsten and walking in front of a moving vehicle at start.
  • NSA was overheard complaining about shiggy when we ran through an area with some mud and small puddles. Just because this is the stoplight trail doesn’t mean we can’t go off-roading. He needs to shave his head if he wants to be Mr. Clean.
  • Mooseknuckles and MoreMen are visiting us from Beijing. China thinks they weaponized a virus to send to the US with these two. In reality, they just returned with the same STDs we gave them before they left!
  • Tuneless and Bulletproof Boobs are visiting us from Lagos, Nigeria. These Nigerian scammers have come on Valentines Day, not to steal our money, but to steal our hearts. Jokes on you though, my heart’s been dead for years.
  • The Walkers almost lost Rail Mary and Cheech and Dong in Lush when they went into the mall. Look, it’s a soap store, not a self-description!
  • Around the World in 80 Lays and MoreMen, who haven’t been here in so long, they were told on after was at the usual place but couldn’t find the hole to get to the wet place.
  • Atari 6900 encouraged Stain Gretzky to not go down further…
  • COMMENDATION: Stain Gretzky for being better at going down the second time…

Group Violations:

  • All the runners who took the elevator. Tuck is the only one who gets away with.
  • All people who walked through the shot check.
  • Just Josh and all the men wearing blue: Even though this was a stoplight trail, thank you letting us know about your relationship status: blue balls!
  • COMMENDATION: The Hares, for designing this trail just like Valentine’s Days throughout our lives! Starting with the first Valentine’s Day date in Middle school where mom has to drop you off at the mall; that awkward one where he has to plow down the mud path; to the inevitable breakdown and breakup at Costco; finally ending up miserable and alone shooting heroin by the train tracks!

On-#DicksOutForVD-On