WHEN: April 2, 2020

WHERE: Your House

HARES: YOU!

VIRGINS: None

VISITORS: None

Buckle up, butternuts, it’s time for your (virtual) scribe report! It’s our first hash having a (virtual) circle during the COVID-19 outbreak/global pandemic and economic crisis/excuse to masturbate during work hours without consequence! April showers bring May flowers, and as a result we all get a little wet. Expect it was perfectly nice out, so being on theme was pointless. Check out the Google Photos Album to see how crazy we all got while social distancing before circling up via Zoom.

Lots of people did dumb stuff on trail and throughout the week of quarantine, and they got called out for it. It’s time for some good old fashioned VIOLATIONS!

  • Special Head Kid is being violated for checking in from A Monument to Jesus. Pleeeeeease… No amount of holy water showers will wash away your sins.
  • Blow Me Closer Tiny Dancer is being violated for checking in from the shower. We all know that even when your body is clean, your mind is dirty. In a similar vein…
  • Deep Anal Horizon is also being violated for checking in from the shower, as well as committing a serious fashion faux pas. Don’t you know you’re not supposed to wear a poncho AND carry an umbrella after St. Patrick’s Day? Besides, that’s not what we mean when we say “wear protection.”
  • Poon Apple Juice is being violated for hosting a hard seltzer-tasting March Madness-style tournament at her apartment instead of social distancing. Truly this is how Corona Hard Seltzer will infect us all…
  • Quantum Whizzics… We appreciate your precautions, but just because we’re in the middle of a global pandemic doesn’t mean we aren’t going to violate you for auto-hashing!
  • Close Encounters of the Turd Kind is being violated for being naked when the plumber arrived to unclog his bathroom sink. That’s NOT what he meant by snaking a drain!
  • Schrodinger’s Cock got violated for his man bun. We don’t care how long it’s been since you’ve had a haircut, you can’t fall to the Dark Side!

GROUP VIOLATIONS!

  • Everyone who hasn’t taken a shower in the past 24 hours!
  • Everyone who didn’t wear their hash necklace!
  • Everyone who has had liquor delivered to their house!
  • Everyone who lives with their significant other, because, and I quote: “y’all suck!”

It wasn’t all bad though, there were a few cummendations going around:

  • Collitoral Damage was cummended for giving everyone at the pre-lube Zoom a wonderful view of her ass
  • The GMs were cummended for being great captains of the Ark of EWH3 and making it seem like there’s only a little April shower, when in reality the entire world is being metaphorically flooded!

On-“How Does Zoom Work?”-On

Close Encounters of the Turd Kind