WHEN: Thursday, April 9th, 2020

WHERE: Your House

HARES: YOU!

VIRGINS: None

VISITORS: By the Power of Gayskull

Alright, buckle up, butternuts, it’s time for your (virtual) scribe report! It’s National Unicorn Day–no the REAL unicorns, not just bisexuals who are DTF with curious couples–and global pandemics aren’t going to keep us hashers from being fabulous! Check out the Google Photos Album to see how crazy we all got while social distancing before circling up via Zoom.

However, despite easy instructions on how to hare your own trail, some of you committed violations and were called out for it.

  • First up, we had to violate Pinnochi-Ho and Split Her Bare for abusing the elderly. I can’t believe they made Geriatric come to them for the alcohol delivery! And Pinnochi-Ho, I don’t even care about Split Her Bare’s innovative delivery mechanics, a true gentleman goes downstairs for a lady.
  • Next up, Edward Sissy Hands is being violated for not following theme taxonomy. In his picture, he’s got a beer for dragons, a stuffed gnome, and a human bard, but no unicorns. This isn’t a goddamn D&D campaign, this is HASHING, we have a reputation to uphold, you need to take this more seriously!
  • Up next, we have to violate Poon Tang Clan… for being a fucking RACIST!!! Don’t act like we don’t see that “I Run Disney” shirt, this is HASHING, we have a reputation to uphold, you need to take this less seriously!

Also, just because we’re doing all this virtually doesn’t mean we’re allowed to slack off on our regular duties. Like I said before, we have a reputation to uphold!

  • We have to violate Cocktease Falcon for not attending (even virtually) the hash that she was supposed to hare. I’d call her a cocktease but… we kinda already did that.
  • Throbbin Hood, don’t act like you’re getting out of a violation for wearing new shoes on trail. You’re going to pour beer in your own shoes for us, and we’re going to watch you like the camwhore you are!

Alright, let’s take a break from how awful you people are and make some commendations.

  • First up, we have to commend Head Injury for bringing us the new 2020 Pandemic Chic look! Don’t worry, no one else notices it’s the exact same as 2019’s Robbing a Liquor Store Panache!
  • We have to commend Ready Player None for that dystopian German Dungeon unicorn look, Poon Apple Juice for that KEY-LIGHTFUL unicorn onesie, as well as Headshart for that “I have daddy issues” look.
  • Speaking of good looking, we have to commend F.A.R.T. for that sick Corona unicorn head. That looks amazing! It’s certainly a more innovative and fun way to get brown-bagged by Jigglytits. At least now you have a face they want to sit on!

ON-“Why do I always have a dildo on my face?“-ON

Close Encounters of the Turd Kind